Thankful

Today was a trying day. I had barely slept when I finally felt tired enough to go to bed, my hips were excruciating and my pelvic pain shot down my thighs it was awful. I woke up early then headed out the door to spend time with some extended family. There is so much drama in my family, its been ongoing set of crap because of B and recently was weighing heavily on me. I only have one sibling and he just doesn't care to have me or my kid in his life. He is that way towards my parents now too but not as much as he is to me. I even tried to extend out an olive branch to a holiday get together, and I found out he straight up blocked me in every way possible.... it really feels like hate towards me at this point. How can you hate your sister so much that a invite and saying I still love you and miss you turn into what it is? I just cannot understand and my mom has tried to tell me that he she had a sibling do that she wouldn't even try anymore, its just hard for me because I literally did nothing so there is nothing I can fix, yet I feel the need to fix the situation. I was also told that he has so much going on that he probably just cant handle dealing with how he feels towards us/working it out with us. Again, I just cannot comprehend this due to I have been having chronic pain since I was 16 and had horrible things happen to me etc... yet I have never treated anyone like that family or not.

But.... the good news is I am thankful. I am very thankful I do have what good health I do. I am thankful I have a great kid and a wonderful husband. I am thankful for the family I do have and are worth being in my life. While things obviously aren't perfect I am a better person for knowing the things I do, and going through the things I have. I guess I am gearing up for thanksgiving because all I can think of is I am thankful.

Straight up

Do you ever find yourself asking "why?"... Why am I pushing myself? Why do I try to remain so positive for others when some of them don't do anything but remain negative? I'm taking it upon myself to be even more blatantly honest than I was before.... some people don't seem to understand things and it seems no one is willing to say things up front... I will be the jerk. This wont be my first time, I just cant handle stupidity anymore while I am in pain. For me to be honest with others(no matter how it makes me look) makes me more positive in the end and hopefully it'll help others to get their life on track too. I'm not going to be mean or put anyone down because that isn't my style, but I cannot tell a lie!

Still training and I feel like its making me feel better overall. Its still tough but I am starting to kind of love it. My husband even knows now not to tell me bad news before a workout because I freak out... but if he waits until after I'm like ok, whatever man, its all good! I feel like I am doing more things in life overall that I have done in years... sometimes its a little overwhelming though. I find myself getting frustrated while I am out and about smiling, happy, loving life and then my pain starts hitting me and I'm reminded of how it goes. I try to get home in time enough to keep the pain manageable. Days like today I didn't get home soon enough, but I was letting my kid enjoy a play date for a little bit longer. While I hate the pain, I loved seeing my kid play and enjoy her friend. I'm sure there will be plenty is times I will have to leave something early and LO will suffer too so why not take a little more pain once and a while so a kid can have some fun for once. So many kids never get the chance to stay a child for long, I want to try and keep mine for as long as I can.

Numb

I'm back to the old so familiar "feeling" of numbness. I have pain so I do feel that and have moments of sadness or happiness but overall I'm in this rut. Money is non-existent, I am exhausted and in pain but I am still doing my workout. I am training for the half and am still excited about that. But everything else with finances piling up or my health just keeps clouding all of my good thoughts. I now have a lump that I have to get checked out which I am having serious anxiety about. I don't want cancer or anything more health wise to happen to me or our family so its almost a guilt of having more health issues. Trying to focus on the positive by at least eating pretty healthy and just keep on training. I don't want to go into the under current again, I want to make it out on top for once! Oh how the things in life change from what you had wanted your life to be.

Training

So... I think I want to do a half-marathon. I want to be in shape SO badly. I am so scared of falling to wayside again as I have every time before due to pain or getting off schedule. I need to keep reminding myself I CAN do it! Today I started with my long walk with a little sprint in the middle. I'm going to put my mind to it and just do it!

Checkin in

Its been a while and I thought I might as well check in. Ive been trying to keep up with all of my blogger buddies and it seems like everyone is having a rough time right now. I'm thinking of you all and hoping things get better for all of us!

I have so much going on but not sure where to start so I think Ill just keep some of it to myself for the time being. Ive been sick with a yucky cold for a bit now and had to go to the urgency care clinic and they told me I had a sinus infection ear thing and also Bronchospams which I had never heard of before. Ive been on meds for almost a week now and they said I should be feeling better, low and behold I woke up with morning with sharp-ish pains in my back/front near where my lungs are. Been contacting my doctor all day and they supposedly couldn't get me in until tomorrow, so I left a message for the nurse to see if they want me to do an xray or what since all he can do is listen to my lungs. Now I'm waiting.... again. Hoping things get better with that stuff. It seems like one small illness like a cold turns into something much bigger. We've been TTC for a while now and the only thing besides the obvious(painful periods) is that you know there is a possibility of being pregnant yet you cant tell yet since every month is new things like taking meds for being sick is more complicated or getting xrays. It gives me such anxiety and then if this month is like every other month where I'm not pregnant, I will feel stupid for freaking out about having to take antibiotics to feel better. Its just a crazy cycle!

Some of my family recently decided that they were concerned about my "weight". Ive been left questioning my relationships with them. Some of them have never said anything negative about it  and those are the people who I think try to relate to me as much as they possibly can given that they haven't been through what I have. But the others... I'm looking at them like where the hell were you?! They've all been around me since I gained the weight(years ago from meds). It all happened very fast, it was like within a year I gained all of this weight and I wasn't sitting around eating donuts or anything, I was working a physical job at the time and working out.... I was an emotional mess due to the lupron. Still though, what gives them the right to sit there and criticize me when they never said anything to me or tried to help me in the past? These are the same people that I cannot talk to if they are jerks because they cannot handle it, but its ok to talk about me and all of my supposed "character flaws"IE sarcastic and fat... LOL. I like me. I will keep trying to lose weight but I am not going to torture myself since I have chronic pain. That's all there is to it.

Deep dark place

I am not in a good place. Most likely getting a hyst in the next couple of months after issues with wanting another child. No one seems to read this anyways so yeah, but thought Id say I may not post for a bit. Prayers for digging out of this hole are always welcome.

The simple things

I have a good life overall. My husband is good to me even though we fight from time to time like any normal couple. My child is healthy and usually happy with a tantrum here or there. Sometimes we forget those things that we take for granted. Like our sight, the ability to see the wonderful views of the ocean or a sunset things that calm my soul. Or our smell, I love the smell of fresh cut grass or when I am baking something wonderful. Hearing too, the sounds of music or our loved ones voice's. Just being able to move, breathe on our own, and laugh, such things that are typically overlooked.

I find it hard to appreciate the simple things sometimes because of how life is going. Sometimes I think I choose to be mad because I just forget the things that I am so blessed to have.

This year was supposed to be the start of something great. I have had a really bad luck kind of year though but maybe the great thing is me realizing all I need is the things I have now. While we are trying not to not get pregnant because I don't want to get my hopes up or for it to become mechanical like the first time, if it doesn't happen then I will know it wasn't meant to be. I've had skin cancer problems, totaled my car beginning of the year, family drama, found out M is having major surgery soon, and today... well today I got into a car accident for the 2nd time in a year. While I am so fucking pissed off for a couple reasons. I am so much more thankful that my child, my husband and I were not hurt. I don't know why a deer decided to jet out of the bushes from nowhere right at that second but it did. Maybe its time for a deeper reflection, maybe I didn't understand something after the first car accident this year. Is it a sign? Maybe or maybe not... but either way why sit here and be mad/sad for something that turned out ok in the end?

So I am going to take things one day at a time if I can possibly stand it. Which means, today I am thankful that my family and I are still breathing, still listening, still talking, still smelling the fresh cut grass! It could've been so much worse which is why I look at our situation like we have it made.

That feeling

Ah that oh-so-familiar feeling of alone. My old arch nemesis, comes back to haunt me again. Doesn't matter if I am in a room with people or I am by myself. It doesn't matter who I am talking to(typically), I feel like they don't want to get it. I even have endo sisters out there that I try to converse with and while some are very open to it, others make me feel like its a pity thing and then eventually stop talking to you altogether. Its a very unsettling feeling to have someone who supposedly has a life similar to yours in pain/issues and then have them up and decide you aren't worth speaking to. Its the same feeling of an old friend whether they had similar health issues or not... its a matter of you've been friends for a long time and then they just give you away. There are things I regret because I wasn't the perfect friend, no one is. Ive let friends go too as we grew apart but most of them just moved away and didn't stay in touch, and I didn't take that personally. When someone ends up in the same town as you though, you tend to take it personally. They don't have kids, or anything major because it was always the same things going on with them. I wonder how long my nemesis will be in the shadows lurking.

Inner peace, even if the outside looks crazy!

I am deciding that I am going to pretend I am calm and then eventually my body will think I am. Its not like I wont stand my ground if I need to, because I will. I just finally figured out what I wanted to say to some folks, and I said it, nicely. Didn't seem like they really understood where I was coming from or what I wanted from them but whatever. I said what I needed to and am going to leave it at that. I need to find my inner peace. I need to my happiness to shine. Even my mom said that to me today that her and my dad needed to get back to being happy(before all my brother BS). That's sad to me that they have let this get to them, and their actions combined into pleasing him and his actions(which is the chain of events) has also obviously effected me. I love his kids and I will do anything I can for them. But I cannot try and live my life around my brother or his kids. Because right now all they are is pawns, they aren't old enough to choose where they want to go play or who they want to see and I understand that and wont ever blame them for not seeing me. I try to see them as much as possible, and have them play my LO. But I cannot go on trying to figure this fucking rubix cube of a relationship out. I still plan on a being the fun aunt they can come to as they get older and talk about whatever with.

Gotta hit rock bottom before it gets better...

So started off this morning talking to my mom about my niece and nephews upcoming birthday party which we were invited to by my soon to be ex- SIL. Its a very nice gesture and she doesn't have to do it, and I will be going to it with hubbs and LO. My mom said she is going to ask my brother if/when he is doing a party for them, she wants to do it at her house to where the kids can run around and swim or something. She mentioned nothing about inviting us to this which kind of sucks, just because my brother cut me out of his life apparently I don't get to come to certain events and if I am offended I am being "oversensitive". Lovely. Then she proceeds to tell me that if I want to drop my LO off the night before then she can play with his kids at the party... so again basically I am not invited. How nice. I got off the phone calmly and was kind of irritated.

Then called my grandmother who is another state who typically gets all of this stuff and thinks my brother is a jackass too.... he doesn't talk to any of them in that state. We are talking and things are fine then she starts in on me again about going to one of those mommy groups. I said no as I have been for months. I say we take her to parks, and do lots of stuff for her/with her. Sorry that the people we meet at the park aren't hitting it off with us and giving us their number to get our kids together all the time! Then she ends up hanging up on me due to me saying no. I was telling her and have before about how I never know how I'm going to feel until the day of something and even then I can be at an event and have to leave because I get lots of pain..etc. She had told me to put that aside and do it for my kid.

It leaves me feeling raw. I feel like if I am not the crazy one in all the stuff that has gone on then they are all slowly driving me crazy. I went and took a shower and saw on the caller ID she called me back but didn't leave a message. I'm not ignoring her but I just cant handle anymore crap. Right now I'm dealing with endo issues, lupron detox recovery, messed up hormone levels, possible infertility and PCOS now. I feel like why am I even thinking about bringing another child into this fucking crazy family?! Makes me feel like a crappy mom. I have sacrificed my happiness and went to family events for my child's sake, so she could see her grandparents or her cousins even if I was not feeling good or wasn't really feeling welcomed or was verbally attacked. I did that for LO, because she loves seeing her grandma.

As hubby pointed out I need to start worrying about me. I can still do things for my kid but when it comes to family and overextending myself or putting myself into bad situations I just should not do it anymore. I must agree. I don't like feeling like this. My brother was never made to feel like he didn't matter or that he should just die... but I have. Yet no one sees that. All I can say is thank God for giving me my husband and LO otherwise I wouldn't go on with this.

I'm still a fighter

I hope you all like the profile changes I made, trying something a little more soothing for the soul.

Talked to one of my doctors today. He thinks I have PCOS now due to my weird hormone levels and things that have come up. I need to now go get a pelvic ultrasound...fun... I talked to him about wanting a child but scared since all of my lupron crap. He thinks I should try and just go for it considering I have endo and possibly PCOS, 2 of which are both big deals in fertility. He said if I keep on my progesterone I should be able to keep a pregnancy. Considering my LO is healthy then I shouldn't feel guilty or worry about having one with birth defects and whatnot. I'm still scared though. He also told me it IS ok to exercise, at first I was told it wasn't by someone else and was freaked out that I was harming my body more. So I gotta get my figurative boxing gloves back on and start kicking some ass. I want to lose some more weight and hopefully we can control the hormone situation enough to where that happens then I can consider having a child. I just wont bring a child into a situation where I don't feel a little healthier and where we don't have a better flow of income coming in. All I can do is pray and hope. Trying to think of inspirational quotes and things that will keep me going. After all in this kind of life ya gotta be a fighter or you wont make it out of here alive.

Cracks me up that there is a T-shirt out there like this

Things shouldve been different

I always felt like I would have my kids closer together in age. My brother and I are about 5 years apart and there were always constant reminders of it. Yet Ive felt like the older sibling for a while now due to his dumbass-ed-ness*. I obviously had to try to get pregnant when I was younger than expected because of my endo. My brother and I have kids around the same age because he accidentally got pregnant... twice. I love his kids. Its just like insult to injury that people don't even think about trying to get pregnant, they don't even want kids yet and they bitch about how they want to travel more etc, but they are the ones that it just clicks for. The way things are looking at I either wont be having another child at all or there are going to be possibly a bigger age gap than my brother and I. Which Id rather have a gap and a healthy child than not so that's ok. I just thought life would be different when it came to this stuff.

I dropped out of college due to pain. I did multiple jobs that I loved but I had to leave or they cut my hours way back because I was in pain. I got much more pain throughout the years and its gotten worse. But I NEVER thought my plans for finishing our family would be screwed up. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful for my LO, but I have a lot of guilt. My husband was an only child and had a rough upbringing. I had the one sibling but its so fucked up now it doesn't really matter that I do, hes cut me out.  LO loves kids so much. That's the main reason she wants to go to parks, the kids, not the toys. It kind of breaks my heart. I watch my brother's kids and how they have each other and it makes me feel guilty that my body is fucked up. I want good things for my LO so I want a sibling for her. If I cant ever have a kid I will adopt after saving up. I know its expensive.

Just things I never thought Id have to think about.

Some answers but still many questions

After playing phone tag with my doctor since last week, we finally got a chance to talk about my results. I asked if he had a patient who hadn't been on Lupron what would he typically suggest. He said some med that regulates the testosterone and a birth control pill WITH estrogen... which for me would never work considering with endo that is bad news. He also agreed more than just the couple were out of range, due to the "varied" markings from the blood lab they don't say if they are but they were. I'm glad I have concrete showings that my body is clearly messed up hormonally and now I can start looking at more things that are messed up. He told me that the things that are off usually cause or are the cause of ovarian dysfunction. I did some research and its pretty serious. While I am blessed that I was able to have my LO and I did so earlier in life due to fear of not being able to have a kid, I feel such guilt for having her after being on Lupron. I don't know what it has done to her considering I still struggle with what its done to her. I am hoping she was somehow unfazed by it. I am scared to even try for another child because of miscarriages and I don't want to pass anything unhealthy onto a innocent child. I'm detoxing as much crap as I can out of my system but that's all I can do. 

Today is a bad pain day since I have been out of my regimen. Hoping for good things and thankful that I have the people that I do in my life. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and have a pity party but when it comes down to it I love my family/friends who have been great enough to stay in my life. Those people that cant handle it or that try to make me feel bad for being me(whether its because I'm sick or because of my weight from being sick) they can go down another road in life. I am trying to keep looking forward and not back, nothing can be changed at this point but I can try to be proactive about it by researching.

The results are in

I was supposed to get results in from the lab I went to and got work done in. I hadn't seen anything so I called them. The guy said he sees my form that I signed to have results sent to me, but for some reason it didn't get sent. He gave me some of my results, I think some of them he skipped over or was talking too fast I don't know.

But later in the day I got my mail and my doctor had forwarded the results to me. Multiple of my hormones are off. One of the things that was off I researched trying to figure out what the heck that means, and I found stuff that it could mean you have adrenal tumors, adrenal cancer or adrenal hyperplasia. That freaked me out!!! I like to be informed because I feel like as patients we are our only advocates. For example Ive been going to GYN's for years saying that I felt very moody and like my hormones weren't right and they did basic things for me or made up some BS... but now being with one doctor and they routinely suggest a full panel, and look at all this crap! I'm talking to some women and I guess what happened is from being on one of the endo meds 4-5yrs ago, it messes up your whole system. Which is how I got fat, my "fibro" , and other issues. Basically at this point we are trying to reverse the effects as much as possible. I am so damn nervous I just don't even know what to do! I want to know what this means now....

What is normal?

I am on these hormones for some of my issues so in general I am overemotional and I know it. Today was a day that things kept going wrong.

I wanted to get my haircut on a Sunday, pretty much no places in my small town are open on Sunday.... then the places in the big city are open later in the afternoon. Had to wait for hubby to exercise so he could go into town with me. I had scheduled an appt and wasn't some walk in or anything, and ended up with an older gentleman. Ive never had a guy cut my hair especially one who could be my grandpa at a hair salon(not barber shop!) and he was NOT gay. He definitely had some old school methods and he was nice, but I felt like things didn't end up even. I felt so bad that he was old and all of that, I said a couple things to him for him to even it out but didn't complain to anyone. Then he just HAD to be the one to ring me up at the register(this was at mall salon inside a major store), then asked if I wanted to add anything on to my bill(meaning tip). I'm sorry but I had warm water that had went down my whole back/shirt when he washed my hair, but I didn't complain because it was an accident I'm sure. Then in general my hair stuff, plus he took double the time it would normally take someone. PLUS their prices randomly went up and we are still poor. So I had to say no to the tip... not to be mean or a cheapskate but because I don't have money and it wasn't that great of an experience and then I felt like a jackass.

Before we left the house I noticed that now we have bigger ants and was freaking out. Bugs in general gross me out but I'm so sick of dealing with it. I had to call around and get quotes for exterminators and of course it takes time for you to see a big difference which pisses me off because I am one of those people who want instant gratification. Plus the fact that we don't have money and here we go spending more kind of sucks.

Then we have my dad's fathers day dinner to go to and I was supposed to make a potato salad... but since I had ants I didn't even want to stand in my kitchen. So I bought one, and it was expensive and not as good as mine.

By the time I got into my parents drive way I was on full breakdown mode. Sobbing to where I couldn't breathe and finally telling my husband how I felt like a crazy person. Why am I so crazy?! Why do I feel like this?! Am I ever going to get fully better?! What is wrong with me? Everything is so off with me today that I felt like I needed to write it down. I need to re-group. Because after all what is "normal" anyways?

Trying to get positive

Despite everything going on, I am trying(Keyword:trying) to get a positive attitude going again. Ive been in pain each day pretty badly but I am still here, kicking ass and taking names! Its been really nice out this weekend so I tried to take advantage of that even if it was only for a little while.

I am becoming more and more appreciative of the friends(Internet or not!) who understand these illnesses. Who whether ill or not, are up front with me about anything that comes up! I really wish people that didn't want anything to do with me, would just stop talking to me altogether instead of me wondering if they are fazing me out or mad etc. I just don't have the time nor the energy to deal with people like that. I know everyone has their own battle and I am very supportive to each of my friends in their own battles but if they cannot even respond to me or act like they care, then fuck 'em.

Getting back on the gluten free train(toot toot!)! I am excited about it! This time I think Im going to focus on the sauces/spices more to where I don't have to worry if a noodle or something has what kind of flour in it. The meat and veg's will be my main sources of food, plus its low carb and I really really pray I lose some weight.

Currently my plan of attack is to lose some weight. Hopefully get well enough to get back on a semi-normal schedule of working out and then try to have a baby. When I have the baby I will get my partial hysterectomy. I have a feeling I have Adenomyosis the only thing that can cure that is a hysterectomy so why the heck not once I am done having kids?! Hoping hubbs work picks up enough to pay off our credit debt from his hours getting cut back(groceries,etc) then I would like to start trying. I need some kind of security that it'll actually be ok before bringing another LO into the picture... if I can even have kids at this point.

I am hopeful but not getting my hopes up if that makes sense.

Its all coming back to me now.... I think

I'm not sure what is going on with my body the last 4 weeks. Ive been in much more pelvic/stomach pain than usual. My husband pointed out to me how long Ive been back on birth control for.... its been about a month. So that tells me maybe my birth control for endo is doing this to me, even though Ive taken this specific one before and no problem. What is up with this?! I'm more stressed out because I am not knowing where to turn. There's a point where you start thinking, am I the ONLY person who believes I am sick or who realizes something is wrong here?! It drives me nuts. In the meantime before anyone figures anything out, Ive been totally attached to my heating pad. Now due to being in so much pain whether I eat gluten or not Ive let myself eat some things with gluten in it which I'm sure doesn't help, but its not a regular thing I'm doing.... its more of a I'm in so much pain anyways I cant sit there and stare at labels.

I found out my LO's insurance only covers 8 exams between 2yrs-13yrs for what they consider the standard yearly exam where they check to see if they are growing ok,etc. Um that is 11 yrs... that's not even a coverage of an exam a year. That's kind of messed up. I cant stand insurance stuff.

Then yesterday I had to call one of the places that billed me for the car accident visit to the ER. I told them my insurance that I see you know I have, is still processing it... usually after telling any place that they put a note in and wait for payment from insurance then send me the bill. This place sucked.... the chick said we are going to keep sending you a bill because as far as we are concerned its not paid and you signed something saying you are responsible! OK, first off I really think its messed up that someone came and got me to sign some random document when I came in on a board with a neck brace crying and all messed up.... I barely remember it, plus later not thanks for THEIR shitty doctors I found out I had a concussion. Next time I am refusing to sign anything in that condition.  Anyhow, the chick was continually rude to where I finally said fine if you keep harassing me with bills(since its only been 2 months since the accident and my insurance is trying to do it but they needed some stuff from the auto insurance first) then I am going to just throw them away. Fuck em. I just cant believe they can send you to collections whenever they want and mess up your credit or charge you with interest  just because they cannot wait for insurance.... it boggles my mind.

Lost.... no not like the show

This is kind of a progression of my last post. I am kind of disappointed which makes me feel lost. On top of the other crap, I was having bad intestinal pain that comes off as just stomach pains(bad ones) for the last 3 wks straight. I figured it was maybe some gluten I had eaten when my family was out, Ive been totally attached to my heating pad. Then yesterday I pooped blood. This isn't the first time ever this has happened. In the past doctors assumed its constipation (even if I say its not) or say maybe you have hemorrhoids(even without looking, plus I know what those feel like I had them post-child delivery). There really isn't any pain with it but it happened twice yesterday and once today. If it keeps happening I may have to go see the doc... yay.

I'm also upset because I feel like less than a person(hopefully that makes sense). I had talked to my dad about the whole "coming to the funeral" comment I talked about in my last post. He said he could see how I could see that or how for some people that may be true. He didn't say too much more about it, we got interrupted halfway into the discussion anyhow. But knowing I felt sad enough to even say that, makes me wonder why he doesn't care enough to call me and see if I am really ok, especially since the conversation never finished. I am learning to not expect anything from anyone, just because I hope for something isn't going to make it true. Plus I feel like to even hash it out with anyone isn't worth it anymore, I feel like a drama queen talking about anything in the past.

Just happened to have to jump up and answer the phone while typing this. It was hubb's co-worker saying they are only working one day next week. He suggested it was because one of the head guys was going to be out of town for vacation so it was probably due to that.... I was thinking must be nice. THEN his fucking co-worker has the nerve to say which I will be out town on vaca too so that works out great for me HAHAHAHA..... fuck you. His wife gets major money from disability to where if his hours get cut back it doesn't really matter. She has fibro too so I thought she would be all about research for a cure. But apparently when my hubbs went to work that day(May 12th) I asked if her husband had worn purple, he said the husband didn't even know it was awareness day.... I hate to judge but how the hell is your disease so bad yet you don't care enough to spread awareness so you can find a cure and get better??! I don't get people. We all hurt differently but even if I hurt less I would still spread the word for my chronic pain sista's out there. Seriously....

I feel like vomiting now....

When its bad its BAD

I have been having eye twitching on one eye for days now and had awoken to that yesterday. Then I realized that I was having one of those days where it feels like my leg is being ripped from my hip, which leaves me with no range of motion. I couldn't even lift my leg, I would either have to grab it up with my arm which had to be very slow because it was painful or Id have to have hubbs help me.

Hubbs was gone all morning for some test stuff he had to do, but that left me taking care of LO and trying to care for myself. It was rough. I was pretty depressed at that point, plus for going on 3 wks or so now my pelvic pain is non-stop, I am seriously becoming scared to go anywhere without my heating pad or without a plug-in for it. The thermacare ones are ok but don't cover my whole abdominal pain areas.

It was such a lovely day out and I wanted to at least feel better mentally, so we decided to go to this park/river/campsite area. Its always SO beautiful! We went there and we started looking for rocks along the rocky shore of the river, and hubb sees a rock he thinks will just bust open and throws it down..... and a little piece breaks off and hits me hard. I lost my mind at that moment and yelled at him, I was having such a hard time.  As I am sitting there by myself for a second I am thinking of how it couldn't get worse today, so I need to try and get positive. I said sorry to hubby. As we are sitting there on the shore, I try to take a picture of something and realize my screen looks all weird, then it starts giving me error messages. You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?! I tried for 5 minutes at first to fix it, hubbs wasn't really paying attention. Then I start bawling into my hand, trying to hide it from him. He tried to fix it too, but I don't know whats going on with it. Once things calmed down he asked if I was going to walk in the water a bit like I had said earlier... my response was no... if I go in I will drown myself with how this day is going. Then due to me walking weird because of my hip thing, my other leg's ankle(the bad one that I sprained 3x last year) gave out.... and I say.... best... day... ever.

I realized after my ankle thing that this beautiful purple butterfly had been following me around, and they are usually not around where this area is plus we went to all different areas and it was always this one certain butterfly. Now some people don't believe in this or haven't heard of this but I remember reading a while back that flocks of butterflies or ones lingering are a good omen of someone who died. It had immediately got me wondering, I thought in my head, if it follows me over to the next area we go then I will know.... sure enough. It even landed on me. While that was happening I felt a calmness that I hadn't had all day. Things like that are so wonderful that I wish it could happen more often, it makes me calm and feeling like I can handle all of this.

Obviously, since my camera didn't work I couldn't show the real one but you get the point

I talked to someone with chronic pain recently who made a comment to me that really got me thinking she said "it'd be easier for some people to come to our funerals than deal with us/support us like we are being in pain". I cant say its true about every person who I'm in contact with but for some I believe it rings true. For some, you go to a funeral say some words, mourn, but then you find peace with it and move on. For them, this would be easier than listening to how horrible this is, what a battle we all go through with this diseases, they would rarely think of me again. For others, I think it would be equally as hard, or harder. For my hubbs because there would be no daycare for LO is the first thing I think of(ha ha that's horrible isn't it?!) even though I know he would never truly recover because that is something you would be reminded of every time looking at your child. For my parents I believe it would be hard for some years I think but I think they would do ok eventually. Its hard to think about the fact that for some its easier if you weren't here at all, even if they don't admit it.

Even though what I was saying was serious, I could not resist!

Besides hubbs or my grandma or on very rare occasions my mom I don't talk about my pain, my struggles,etc.... I vent on here about it. I feel like this is the only place people really get it, I can relate and they can too. Even when no one comments to me, I know someone out there read it and is getting it. Plus there isn't judgement of what I should be doing or questions of why I'm not doing other things that I simply cannot do.

Catching up

For some reason since the last 2 weeks of running around, I cannot seem to beat this exhaustion. I went to bed early last night and am already up, not because I want to be but because my body wont let me. At first I felt like maybe I would be refreshed but now I am already falling back into exhausted.

A fibro friend of mine had been in this horrific flare for a while and she couldn't really talk on the phone so I would email her sometimes to ask her if she needed anything. Then one day it sounded like things got busy for her and she was running around crazy about the time I was. Ive called her now and she never called back. Kind of bums me out just because I always assume because we both have similar pain that we get each other. I'm not stupid though, if someone doesn't bother calling me back for a while or whatever I don't keep bugging them, I give them time to do whatever they want to do. I just hope things are ok for her.

My eye keeps twitching as of yesterday and I don't know why, its driving me nuts! When everyone was out here we had some things with gluten and since then Ive had the toughest time trying to get it out of my system. My pelvic pain has been horrible because of it. Sometimes I didn't realize what I was eating even had it in there.

I'm just going to keep praying for good things to happen for my hubby's job situation and for us as a family. That is all I can do at this point.

Some facts about unemployment and family

Even though its been a little while since my last post things have gotten worse. Ive mentioned a couple times that hubbs job is back and forth. They have him working so much we barely see each other for a couple months and then for months on end he is working maybe 2 days a week, not enough to live off of. Yet people tell us hes lucky to have a job.... people are misguided. Just because you have a job doesn't mean there is some steady stream of income, and due to this was the first job to come up in about a year after him being laid off there were not other options and still aren't many. Due to them never knowing which days during the week will for sure be work he cant even go get a part time job slinging burgers for the days he isn't working. At this point its becoming just as bad as being on unemployment. Another factoid Id love to share is that when people are on unemployment its NOT (I repeat NOT) taxpayers doctors, its money the worker them self has put into the system that they are getting back in this type of emergency, they aren't lowly scumbags who don't look for jobs or that are just eating up everyone else's tax dollars. I hate that misconception.... my hubby works his ass off and yet here we are again. I feel so bad for him.

I wish I wasn't in so much pain and I didn't have all these health problems. I have such guilt that even the thought of a job puts me into anxiety overload because I tried to work when he was laid off last year and I was seriously dead at the end of each day and in massive amounts of pain, plus taking more meds just to get through the day. I just don't know what to do, don't know who to turn to.... I'm just at a total loss. I wish one thing would just go right, my health or our finances or something.....we just need a break Dear Lord. Are you there? Its me....

The reason I haven't been online is because my family has been visiting, plus Ive been doing copious amounts of housework to where I could barely move. My grandparents came to stay at our house which I loved! I miss my home state and I miss them. I cried on my way home today not sure if I am for sure seeing them tomorrow before they leave. They give me the comfort I need to go on... just now I burst into tears just typing the word comfort because I have none now. My aunt and uncle and their kids came out too, it wasn't that great with them. My aunt(by marriage) was very judgemental/hypocritical even though her kids are far from perfect and I didn't judge, its not my problem or place to.... yet she judged all of us. I am still angry with my brother and having that anger is making me unhappy... I am the kind of person who needs peace with most situations even when its not my fault. I don't feel peace, I feel chaos and not in a fun and kooky kind of way.

I want to move back to my home state and just leave here away from the drama. Leave some of my problems behind and look forward to bigger things. I want to blossom but I also don't want to taint memories of my childhood with adult drama and I'm afraid that since my aunt and uncle are back in that state too, that Id still have a fair amount of BS to deal with.

I think its fair at this point to say I feel very alone and am planning on isolating myself. I know its not healthy, I know its not what I'm supposed to do but I will just write on here because I feel like this is the only place I can be totally honest whether its craziness or not.

Home sweet Home... if only it were that easy...

Failure is spelled with a capital F in my case

So after seeing different posts on some endo boards/blogs etc I am starting to feel like more and more of a Failure. Not like I am kind of not living up what I want but I am completely off base, how come I cant do more?

Everyone has moments of laziness but I seriously am not that lazy, I really do try so hard to make myself appear normal to everyone else, to give myself a normal life. Some people are running marathons and running successful businesses and just overachieving. I am very happy for them don't get me wrong but I do have jealously about it. I wish that were me. I have tried lots of times to exercise not to run a marathon but to lose weight and I end up so stiff I can barely move and just in so much pain, I don't get to have lots of pain meds or a good doc to lean on... believe me Ive tried to find one. I have ideas for businesses but I don't have the back round for it and we don't have any money due to hubbs layoff last year and his hours are so back and forth right now.

I want to change. I changed certain looks of myself, hair, nails, clothes, whatever but it doesn't add up the same for me. I want something more. I guess it doesn't even boil down to jealously, it boils down to wanting feel good. Each of us feels different levels of pain all over our body, we all handle it differently, we are all just different but we have the similarity of the disease the pain in general. Someone may have a bunch of endo or been dealing with fibro for years and they may be pain free but a person with barely any endo or only had fibro for a year may be barely able to function.

I just wish there was a basis for what all of us with a certain illness should be expecting. Its sucks to have friends or family think you're full of it because they see "cures" all over online or that certain people are able to do simple daily tasks or do more fun activities so why aren't you?

So even though I know everyone is different why do I feel like such a Failure?

Type A anyone?

I am feeling so run down, so sickly. My pain has been horrible the last week with all of the stuff Ive been doing. Its like when I am doing it I feel mostly good, loosened up, then once I am all done my muscles stiffen up really badly to where I cant or don't want to move. That's what happens when I workout too which I why I avoid it.

My nausea is out of control. I think its from taking the anti-nausea stuff earlier this week to where my body wants it again otherwise it gets out of control.

I wanted to go get a haircut because as I was doing my hair today I noticed that both sides don't have as many layers as I would've liked and one side seems to have even less than the other. I asked hubby if he was ok with that because he is sleeping and then I could go do it this morning if I could get in somewhere.... he said we have other things to do today.... I asked what, and he said he couldn't remember. The only thing I can think of is putting the actual plants into the garden today. Its just annoying. Ive fixed up everything around me and there is no way I can lose a bunch of weight before everyone comes out so I want to get a haircut to look better.

UGH. I cannot wait until everyone is just here I get so stressed out before if everything is perfect.

On the Incline

I am hoping I wont be in too much pain the rest of tonight or tomorrow. There has been SO much work to do! As I said before we cant get rid of these f-ing ants and so that has been a battle in itself and I am so thoroughly grossed out, we have a clean house but I feel so dirty... and not in a good way.

My parents called Thursday night and asked what we had planned for Friday and I said nothing much so they asked if we could come over and help down some trees. I agreed. It was mainly hubby and my dad doing the work but I was still exhausted just going over there. Since we were there Id thought Id throw it out there, I asked for help from them this weekend since we were going to start our garden and build our deck. I guess they had other plans which is fine but hubby and I just had to joke that if we would've been someone else that they probably would've dropped all their plans... maybe we should get a mask of that person and put it on when we want something?

We did it on our own though. I had a horrible nights sleep due to LO coming in and totally freaking us out.... I wont even go into it. I ended up getting up because I was so freaked out, it was 3am. Horrible. I dozed on/off for a while but hubby got to sleep. He went and got all the equipment we needed and then I came out and helped. I shoveled, raked, and gave orders! I felt very motivated by doing all of that but I just knew I was going to be in pain later. We took a break and came back to do the rest, so it was an all day thing. Finally got dark so we had to come in, still had things to do and ants to kill in the house.

Tomorrow hopefully we will be finishing up what we started and praying that I can move my body out of bed.... also that LO doesn't freak us out again. Its been a long weekend and my stress level is crazy right now. We are having multiple family members coming to visit in the next month and its going to be hectic to say the least but I am very excited. I'm wanting to stay on a steady incline of doing physical things without too much pain but that typically only lasts a week before I get rundown and feel like I'm being tortured so all I can do is pray.

FREAKING OUT!!!!!

I am totally freaking out right now. We got a bill from my car accident and its like $800+  so I called the hospital and asked them to bill my insurance because they clearly did not do that, they told me this bill was just sent before that... which is odd because at the top it lists who our insurance is. Then I am asking about if the physician fee is included in the ER visit and am told no, they are with a different company. I call that said company and am told there is a bill being processed to my insurance for like $400ish.... great. I ask if its them or the hospital that I would tell that this doc spent like seriously maybe 10 minutes with me which is probably why he didn't catch that I had a mild concussion or whiplash and just told me that my muscles would be strained and sent me home with nothing... which led me to go to my doctor within the next day which was just fucking fantastic. Then I call my insurance to see what is being processed or if they have any amounts so I can know whats going to hit me. They then tell me that I also have a ambulance bill coming from the local fire department which  isn't a preferred provider that is around $600. Amazing. I really don't mind paying the ambulance people because those are the guys that cut me out with the jaws of life, had to lift my ass out on a gurney and calm me down. Plus they were amazing and very caring, even when they had left and came back on another call when I was being released from the ER they came back to check on me.

 But the doctor pisses me off because I was at the hospital for multiple hours and you would think that someone would been there to help me get up when it came time for the neck brace to come off. Instead the doctor left because when the nurse took my clothes off due to me needing to "try" to go in a bedpan(which by the way I couldn't and I REALLY had to pee) she had left my undies hanging off of one foot so when the doc came in and said I could get up after seeing my xrays were ok, he saw a little pad hanging off my undies(no blood or anything though). He clearly got freaked out and left the room for me to get up by myself. I was super woozy but wanted to get the fuck out of there because they didn't know crap and I was treated badly.

I feel ya man....totally...

The whole experience just pisses me off.... somehow I managed to get the ticket because this old lady is old according to the insurance they have a slower reaction time so even if she was speeding it wouldn't matter because she was going up a hill. Plus what person in their right mind is going to admit to a cop that they were speeding??? NO ONE. And I'm not talking about 1-5mph over here I'm talking about a decent amount of extra speed. I was totally SPUN AROUND and I was only going about 5-10mph since I had been at a stop and was turning. I'm NOT one of those people who quick whip out in front of others, that's a jackass move. I still have to go to court for my f-ing ticket which just further pisses me off. I lost my new car, I was terrified of driving for a while and still have issues when others are driving, got a concussion/whiplash, have annoyingly large medical bills so I think I have paid my fucking dues into this car accident of what was my fault..... The old lady was totally fine and hasn't had to do crap... I'm glad she is ok though don't get me wrong.

P.S.... we have ants. Which is another reason I am freaking out. I hate bugs. These little tiny ants would go away! We've gotten the traps where they are supposed to eat it and then take it back to the nest and kill the queen, spray outdoor/indoor.... they are beasts I tell ya! I just cant keep up, I don't feel good as it is and cant keep cleaning like a mad woman because of stupid bugs.

I am just praying for something good to come our family's way. We need a pick-me-up.

Angry

I have this anger for myself and towards others(some of them deserve it). I am so sick of being sick. I hate looking at everyone else's FB profiles and see how they are partying it up or just having stupid things to worry about. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to isolate myself because you don't end up with that hurt of having to watch others live life so easily. Even when I give myself a positive spin on things I still end up with bad things, last time I ended up with those biopsy results. I am sick of being poked, prodded, and feeling diseased. I just want to be purely happy.

 I told hubby at this point with how often I am sick and how not often I have a "normal"ish feeling I ONLY want to spend time with people who its worth it. I don't want to waste those moments of normalcy or ones that I know are going to send me into a flare with people who either don't care about us or that just aren't worth being around. I am sick of being that nice person who is always thinking of everyone else's feelings so I don't hurt them even when I am hurt. I'm just sick and angry.

2 doctor appt updates

My cancer-cell removal appt thing went from next week to this week, ended up on the same day as my GYN appt. In the morning I went in for that, it was disgusting. Much worse than the just plain biopsy because you can just feel the skin hanging there, plus they cauterize you when the chunk of skin is out and you can smell you flesh.... totally gross. Plus the tugging on my neck as they stitched me up really just sat wrong with me, yucko. But other than that it went fine, I was still numb for a while after so it really didn't bug me until later in the day/night. At this point I keep getting tinges of pain where it feels like it is being cut right now, my mom thought maybe because it was so deep that maybe it hit a nerve area. Probably.

I had my GYN appt in the afternoon which went ok. I started back on birth control yesterday because she said the risk factors are always going to be better if you don't take any meds but outweighing the pros/cons I think I should be on it. So that's good. Then we talked about how since the last time I saw her over a year ago Ive seen MANY doctors. I showed her my records, my surgery from last year pictures,etc.

 There is now this breast cancer med that has been used recently for Endometriosis. It makes sense how she explained it because both of those diseases involve estrogen directly. While Lupron was more of a shut down everything kind of a drug since it was previously used as a prostate cancer drug, this is more of a block estrogen before it gets out into the body and that's it. Plus this is a daily pill which obviously you can stop whereas the Lupron was a monthly shot that you didn't have an option of going back on once you had it. The whole cancer drug thing scares me though, the side effects remind me of Lupron with all the bone issues, but it makes sense. Anything that is giving you no estrogen is going to disrupt your bones, that's all there is to it. The only thing that sucks is in doing my research of this drug many of the stories I hear its hard to tell if their lasting side effects were from this drug or from a former cancer drug due to most of patients are breast cancer patients that go on other cancer drugs first.  I'm trying to find out what I can because I don't want even more problems. Even my GYN said I seem to get every side effect you can get when I take something or I develop certain problems that are just more and more random.

BUT I was researching online, and I found a website thing that talks about natural ways to lower estrogen production. I liked that it wasn't just like oh avoid certain foods and exercise like a crazy person. It was more of a guide of what this chick did who had endo. She talked about how estrogen is very linked to the liver and how important it is to have a good liver. She said she had went to regular doctors who seemed focused on certain things and Chinese medicine people who were focused on the other spectrum but there was no middle ground so she tried stuff on her own. At first for herbal she was put on some of those ones that have plant estrogens in them that are supposed to help with lowering people estrogen(such as black cohash,etc.) She explained that the first couple weeks she felt great and that was due to the circulation or something it was helping but that after that her pain seemed worse than before.... which I felt was really interesting because my mom just started black cohash for female issues and she has been telling me the same thing about it how she feels worse now. This chick goes on to say that she ends up figuring out Chinese Bitters and Coptis really helped. They clear the liver more which helps with the estrogen stuff. She said all of her pains/health issues pretty much cleared up. While I believe that it helped and everything she said made total sense, I don't think it'll make my issues disappear altogether but I'm willing to try.

Its just very interesting to find all of these things out. No regular doctor will tell you typically go for herbals and not a lot of Chinese herbal people consider hormones at all believe or not so you may not be getting the right things. I'm excited for this and going to do it!

Feels like getting robbed....ALL THE TIME

I have been trying to think of ways to explain what my extreme pain from my endo is like. Plus the fact that I feel like I just keep going through the same things and no one is willing to go the extra mile and really figure everything out.

Its like living in a bad neighbor hood where maybe there is one or two certain people for whatever reason or non-reason are out to get you or just ruin your life. You never know when they are coming for you, if you'll be home or if you will just come home to a ransacked house. Once it happens and they attack you, you are on guard all the time just waiting for it to happen again. Then you try and live your life maybe even move on.... BAM it happens again when you least expect it. You try and report it to the police but they just wont listen they tell you there is no evidence or that you are just nuts or they are friends with these people so it could not be true. Sometimes you are scared for your life when it happens and then after multiple times of it happening to you, you start wishing you were dead. Its hard to not be able to live your life and move on at some point, but you must always have some kind of anxiety because you need to be on guard you don't have a choice, no one else believes you or is willing to help you. Its just you and these "people".

Kind of looks like some of the docs Ive seen...

The difference between that and chronic pain is eventually you would get fed up and either move or go buy a gun and get some vigilante justice... whereas with chronic pain there is no justice unless you are lucky enough to have bunches of money to travel to where they have experts who care enough to see through that you end up feeling better.

I want some fucking justice. I am in so much pain. This is probably the worst period Ive had since being with my husband so that's a while. I am off of my birth control so to me that says this is my endo and not some other bullshit. Ive went down EVERY other possible avenue all the docs asked me to, Ive had all the horrible tests they wanted to do.... yet here I am back at the same place. Being beaten down in a bad neighborhood with the cops doing nothing. If only I could move out of my body.... after all its not a nice neighborhood anymore and hasn't been for a while, not even a good view.

Awful pain

About 6 months ago I got off of my birth control for many reasons. Now the last couple months my periods are now 2 wks apart, its ridiculous. I am in so much pain. Last night I was in so much sudden pain that I spent an hour or 2 just puking, it was awful. Now this morning I still haven't eaten anything because I'm afraid I'm going to get sick again because obviously I still have pain its just the beginning of the period. So sick of this.... haven't had a massive pain period like this for a while. Hoping I can get past it. Seeing my GYN on Thursday, hoping for some kind of bright light from her. I need some good news for once. All I can say is I hope I don't have another night like last night.....

Going out on the town

This may be kind of a confusing post, I feel like I cant find all the right words to explain what I am feeling about this.

Like a week or so ago M and our friend asked me if I would wanted to go out, they need a break but obviously want to drink and I don't drink much so if I could drive. They said they would pay for my gas and food/drinks. So sure, why not?! I need a break too, I need to escape this life if even for a night.

Last night we met early and did our hair and all of that and just made ourselves look good, its nice to "go all out" once and a while. We planned on going to a couple bars and a couple new ones that the one I was really excited about, seemed like my kind of scene. We only made it to the first two places, but that's ok, then we met up with their husbands at the next two places. It was nice, silly. Sometimes I feel like I think things are funny and everyone else is cracking up(maybe its because they work together) but I felt like I had to try and make myself laugh, even if the joke was funny. I don't know if that is a depression thing or what. I wasn't in too much pain until later in the night, super loud(but good) band which later I realized was almost too loud. I feel like an 80yr old grandma that goes along for these trips.

I see all these people my age or in my friends cases in their 30's or their 40's and 50's that are going out dancing, being silly, etc. Here I am so young, and I never got to experience any of that, Ive been sick since I was 16. I know people talk about loss and remembering the old times, like I always reminiscence about my biking/jogging days when I was pretty fit. I don't know if it hurts more or less but I know it hurts to know that I probably wont ever have that normal age appropriate experience of going out and getting wasted because you want to let loose. Or even the cute pictures all my friends have from nights of going out, don't have many. I always try to be a "normal" on these nights we go out.... and it never happens.

So at the last bar we went to M and the friend I will call White Mocha were pretty gone and silly. M asked me a couple times if I was ok. I said I was.... but I wasn't. Its so weird how when M is drunk she can see the hurt in me and asks if I am ok, but when sober she doesn't ever ask. I was pulled out on the dance floor by them and so I "busted a move" totally sober by that point so I'm sure I was dancing quite Caucasian-ally. I ended up running into a guy from my school days and a friend who helped me through a lot back in the day. Ive run into her once before and asked if she had gotten mad at me or what happened since she seemed to have stopped talking to me, in the past she said she had went through some marriage stuff. I got her number and she got mine, but I have issues with trusting people. Even old friends, because at some point none of them were there for me like I was there for them.

I told everyone I was leaving and they kept asking me to stay longer and I couldve stayed and had a few drinks because the night was still young but I just felt so out of my element. I even felt judged, by no one specifically but overall. I feel like I am a confident chick usually but out of my element with people I don't know or randomly run into that remember me as thinner and cuter brings me down, because I don't want to get into the whole life story of my health problems but that is the only way that people could even try to understand.

I left feeling like I was going to cry. No matter how hard I want certain things in my life... Big things like another child or small things like one night out.... it doesn't matter because they all feel like failures brought on by myself, and no one gets that. I felt like I was bringing people down or like fake smiling/laughing even though I didn't talk about my medical stuff at all. Maybe I need others to drive ME around so I can get silly and drink AND THEN even vent and vent until I cannot vent anymore about my health, maybe even cry.... but that's not very fun is it? I am no fun anymore, I feel like I bring others down... and times like these make me feel like why am I even around if its only bringing others down?

Cartoon I did NOT create, but represents this all pretty well

Fall Guy

I have been thinking... a little bit too much for my taste. It seems like a lot of us with fibro seem to over think things sometimes... or maybe its just me! I have been thinking of current people in our families life. And some that aren't so current but have been. I have been thought of as a "fall guy" for some folks and at this point I am not going to accept it. Maybe its this crap mood I am in or maybe its because when I look back at certain people and where it went wrong, they ended up taking NO(not even 1%) responsibility and blamed it on me. That is one thing I cannot stand. I feel like am a pretty up-front chick, not in a bitchy, in your face way but like I just ask whats going on if something seems weird and if people chose to not say anything I go on with life.

MIL- before xmas this last year she decided to tell hubby it was MY fault that she didn't come around more to see LO or him because I made her uncomfortable in some way. This was the first time ever hearing it. We had a huge discussion being as that she was a shit mom to hubby when he was growing up and never tried to fix anything(again that's a long and depressing story). So I'm sure I wasn't coming off overly bubbly but I was always polite towards her, I know my manners. I also said to her that I am always in pain and she would show up randomly and typically it was when it was really bad pain or after surgeries or tests. But I was even nicer from then on..... YET somehow.... she is not even around STILL. I mean she calls me and asks me for advice on shit quite often now due to her dad being ill but she doesn't update her son on it or come to visit LO. Example- today she decided to randomly drop this tree that she said her neighbor gave her at our house, and didn't even knock on the door or anything. The only reason I knew it was her is because I happen to look out the window to see why the dogs were barking. I WILL NOT BE YOUR FALL GUY ANYMORE.

Hubby's ex friend- he blames me for hubby not calling him or whatever for the last year or so. I told him hubby has had the same email address since high school if you wanted to reach him you could've, its a 2 way street. I will say I did like this guy like an annoying brother back when hubbs and I started dating. Once we moved out he puked into our couch and just left and didn't tell us, he looked at porn on our computer in our living room(in our TINY one bedroom place) where I couldve walked out into that, had his fathers friend call us on our honeymoon and leave a message about how fat, bitchy, etc on our voicemail, then when we had LO she was a couple months old he came to our house and played video games with hubbs and he sat there like 2 feet from LO and I and showed hubbs pictures on his cell phone which hubby told me later that night when he came to bed that they were naked women. Just a total disregard for respect for ANY women. Recently back in our life again.... and tried playing the blame game as if I had issues with him for no reason.... uh no... I had plenty of reasons and they didn't just stop they kept going on and on! I WILL NOT BE YOUR FALL GUY ANYMORE.

Brother- recently cut me out of his life and blames everyone else besides himself for anything that goes wrong in his life. After years of being treated like crap by him and his wife I didn't try so hard anymore. We talked at family gatherings but it wasn't like we were close like we used to be at one time. He decided to divorce his wife of whom he blamed for treating me and my parents like crap for over 8 yrs(when we asked why we were treated this way). I put all of those 8 yrs behind me, because he was my brother and I believed him. Then I saw the same old behaviors happening, and he has girlfriend who is stirring up trouble herself on top of it. I talked to his ex because I wanted to see my niece/nephew that was the only reason but she was nice and seemed changed. If he had ever bothered to see my kid or get all of them together then I wouldn't even have had to go there but considering he moves all the time our family should be able to talk to his ex because when he is gone again we all want to be able to see the kids. Unlike his ex, he didn't change at all. ALL the same old behaviors and some new ones happened. He knew I was talking to his ex for the kids sake and wanted me to get information out of her for the divorce(it was OK then for me to talk to her!), followed up by an email questioning all of what I do by his nosey mistress, which I chose to not respond. He texted and asked what I found out and I told him I wasn't going to be his spy and I also wasn't going to explain myself to his girlfriend, he then said I chose a side and cut me out completely. Yet even now I still have to deal with BS that he does because its effecting my parents and his kids. I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FALL GUY AGAIN...EVER.

I am not a perfect person even though I will admit I like to think I know all the answers. I will say that I do admit when I am wrong even if it takes me a minute to realize it. I don't blame everyone else for my own faults. Everyone is responsible for their own life and who is in it, and how they treat others.

My example is Lupron, I could blame all my issues on lupron(fat,fibro,etc)but while I may suggest that it caused some of problems, I know ultimately I was the one who chose to get the shot. I realize I was young and lied to but I was still the one. That's me taking responsibility for some of the biggest issues in my life right now. Why cant everybody take a second and think of how they truly are the ones impacting their lives good or bad?

Pain and People

I think I posted about my niece and nephew being here over the weekend. I swear, these kids are ALWAYS sick or even when they seem like they aren't you still end up catching something from being around them. I love them but I have enough health problems!

So like a day after they leave my LO starts getting sick, which is lovely. Add it to my list of stuff I have to take care of! It wasn't a big deal at first but then last night LO wakes up at like 1am and comes into our room and we put her in bed with us. She is acting like she is all awake, but I keep telling her to go to sleep. I go to bed late due to not being able to sleep from pain so I didn't have much sleep yet. After like 2 hours of her tossing and turning and then me having to get up to go to the bathroom and her following me. I figured we would try and go sleep on the couch and give hubby a break and if she wasn't going to sleep I would put on cartoons and try to catch a couple Z's myself.

Eventually she falls asleep all half on the recliner and every once and a while I hear a whimper from her. I got up, check my email in the other room and like within 1/2hour she is crying so hard. I know LO doesn't feel good but there's not much you can do when they are this age. I told hubby to watch her for a bit so I can catch a shower because I needed one, and I was in a lot of pain from having no sleep. I'm halfway through my shower routine and she comes in, so I decide it may help to be in the shower to get some flem or whatever out. She loved it, but didn't want to leave even when it started getting cooled down.... which then caused a bunch of crying problems.

Pain oh how I hate you.

I am at a point today, where I don't want to see anyone anytime soon. Frustrated and annoyed and wish we all could feel our version of "good".

Now hubby is expecting to go pick some random crap up for his mom... you know the one that typically is a jerk. I am annoyed with him now too because I don't see why she cant do this stuff on her own, its easier for her. For us we have cars only she has SUV's to pick this crap up, so he would have to drive all the way to her house(an hour or so) pick up her car go get the crap(another hour or so) then come back to her place unload, do whatever with it and get in his car and come home(another hour). Whereas for her, she goes out, gets it, comes home and that's it. If LO wasn't sick right now I wouldn't mind as much but since I have been around her as she has been sick for days now, my patience is wearing thin when I need help. My house isn't even clean and he is doing favors for her.... ugh... I probably sound petty but there is a whole back round I wont even get into.

Wishing things were easier.

The dust is settling finally

This whole weekend has been so busy I haven't had a minute to myself. I took this gun class thing with my mom recently, its all about self defense and just basic gun stuff then they take you to the range and you get to shoot for a while. I did pretty good, it was really exciting! Later that night my arm and back was kicking my ass though, I slept like crap. I also had volunteered to watch my niece and nephew because their father(my brother) decided to not tell their mom(his soon to be ex) that he was not going to show up on his weekend to have the kids.... I think that sucks. I know how it feels to need a break after days of being the only one tending to kids and having no adult interaction, but overall I felt horrible for my niece and nephew. Yes they are young but they still know its Daddy time and I just kept imagining them looking out the window for him. All the kids got along pretty well since they have gotten a little older. We did some fun stuff and it was just nice seeing them and I was very happy that my LO got to spend time with her only cousins.

I made a yummy Shepard's pie tonight for dinner. I made my Blue Moon ice cream the other night but for me it didn't taste like the original so I still want to go buy some one day. Then last night I made a banana dark chocolate chunk ice cream which was amazing! Its so much fun figuring out new things to make.

I got re-connected with my Maid of Honor from my wedding who I also went to high school with. Even though we weren't like super best friends through high school, she was always there for me and I for her. We got closer over the years and now we live in the same town, so we are hoping to get together soon depending on her work schedule because its kind of weird.

My stitch areas are finally healing more to where they don't itch so much. Now I am just waiting to get in for that excision surgery to take out all the cancer cells, THEN hopefully I can be done with this except for checks here or there. Have a GYN appt coming up which I am nervous about because I am betting she will opt for my 5th Laproscopic surgery since I have been off of BCP's for about 6 months now. Its just too much money for something that doesn't seem to last. We shall see. I am remaining somewhat upbeat still but I feel like once the same out routine or Monday comes into play I may be fighting off sadness again....

Life as I know it, moving on...

I realize this morning that there are so many more important things in life that are good things that just focusing on bad news, bad health problems, bad anything really doesn't do them justice. The bad will only conquer the good if I let it. I am trying more and more to do things I want to do, like crazy things...stupid things... FUN things! I don't care if someone else thinks what I do is stupid or that I am embarrassing(haven't been told this yet but Ive got time). None of us know the day we will leave this earth, and as far as Ive heard no one has gotten out alive so its time to live it up!

Yesterday I remember being in the car with hubby and LO and listening to music as the sun beamed into the car. I was holding hubby's hand and LO was being so good and we were on the way to the park. I had remembered everything I needed to bring(snacks,drinks,coats,etc). Its so simple but it made me so unbelievable happy to where I remember thinking, if I died today I would be ok with it because I was so in the moment and happy. Which is a total change from where I have been.

Now I just read my blogger friend's entry today over at As Good as Gluten about Ice cream. I am a lover of ice cream, whether your skinny or fat, small or tall, adult or child...there is always some flavor out there for you! Which is why I love it, you could have someone with a restricted diet but there is always a way to make ice cream! I love banana ice cream when I can find it! I had found one at cold stone not long ago and it was even sugar free which I was stoked about! BUT my favorite of all time because I was raised in the Midwest is BLUE MOON! Ive heard of it described as a fruit loopy taste that is so creamy and wonderful that it just cannot be topped. I agree but I have a connection to it, it takes me back to childhood and all the simple and great things associated with it. Its the small downtown candy shop, its trips with my grandparents or other relatives. If I was dying this would be what I would want my last food to be.  Since I don't live there anymore I have yet to be able to find it anywhere remotely near me. I found a recipe, so I think if I can find an affordable ice cream maker I will try to make it. I began to think of the infinite possibilities of healthy but amazingly good ice creams that I could make with it, why limit myself to just GF, SF baked goods?!

YES! My indescribable friend...

Hubby's hours have gotten cut back even more starting this week so he only worked 2 days. BUT again I am so happy to have him home. I enjoy spending time with him and making our relationship better and better, not that its bad but for some people its hard to be around each other 24/7 without work "breaks". We are doing well though and this way I am a bit more free to go sketch, paint, bake, cook,etc.

I keep getting this horrendous stomach/pelvic pain each day so I am looking forward to seeing my GYN to see if she help me. I think one day someone will figure out what is wrong with me, I think a lot of it has to do with the Lupron and the fact that its a anti-cancer drug(chemo classified). But things will be ok and I do truly believe it. At some point I'm sure I will have to come back to this post when I get sad again because its a cycle of chronic pain sufferer's but I hope to read all of these small goals and things I love and how happy I can be.

The dark side will not win.

PETA bullshit

Sorry if I offend with my title, but I believe that is exactly what they are...BULLSHIT. I have read multiple other blogs talking about the current campaign so I'm sure that majority of you have already read another blog who goes into more depth than I am going to. All the blogs that I have read discussing this have already done such a great job that I don't know what more I can say, besides that I think PETA has always been a group to get publicity even if it was bad, they don't seem to care. It kind of shocks me that in all their radical members they have, there isn't one or more that has infertility and would object to this(as far as I know none of the bloggers were at all a member of PETA). Things like this tend to make people who aren't infertile understand even less "what we are crying about" and make infertiles look a certain way which does not do them ANY justice. Here comes my last cuss of the day because I am so irritated by this considering the things I have been talking about with my own life lately.... FUCK PETA.

You cant break these infertiles, they are some strong ass women!

Results are in

Remember how I had 4 biopsies from all over my body done about 2 wks ago? Well I finally got the results when I went in to get my stitches taken out. ALL of those biopsies were pre-cancer, the one on my neck is the most advanced version. Which means once my neck is a little more healed in about 2 more wks from the original biopsy the doctor has to go into the next layer of skin deeper and cut all through that even bigger area to make sure all the cancer cells are cut out. Because they all came back pre-cancer he did a once over to make sure even ones that are just kind of yucky looking would get taken off, so I will have one more taken from my back.

I am not meaning to be dramatic but this freaks me out. I was expecting to go in and everything be benign, so its shocking that each one had a nice chance for cancer but the neck one especially. I'm glad I am doing all that I am, but I cant help but be freaked out. I feel like there is so much death around me, its just hard to handle, to think if I wouldn't have noticed all of these changes myself...who knows what would've happened?

I got home and focused on the things that needed to be done and asked hubby to mail some stuff off and things like that. When he asked about the appt I told him, he seemed shocked too but then didn't say anything else. He had to leave early to help his grandpa with something, then went on his way. He calls me after his grandpa's house and he starts saying about how he hopes he doesn't have cancer or something when he goes into the dermatologist, then asks when he should go in???

 I have been trying to get him into a dermo for the last couple of years because he has this freak mole thing on his head that bugs me... and now when I come home from this appt after weeks of being depressed about my other health issues/fertility/etc he is not asking many questions or saying much at all about it. I told him it kind of sucked that he didn't say anything much when he was home with me, and we went back and forth. Eventually after me saying this just sucks I feel even more down than before, his reply was life sucks sometimes....so I hung up. I just cannot take it anymore, maybe the cancer thing would be easier and I should not go back and have them remove the rest... this chronic pain BS is really wrecking havoc on me. Don't know how to handle anything anymore. Feel like I am being looked at like I'm dramatic, but the thing is over the past 7yrs or even the past yr things just keep getting worse so its not like this is the only thing that has gone wrong health wise.

Whatever.

When will it get better, who understands?

The last couple of days have been interesting. Kind of busy but not anything that HAS to be done, yet still cant find time to be ok. There is always something crazy going on with MIL since her dad(my hubby's grandpa) has cancer, its like she twists everything her way even if it doesn't really involve her. So we have to go straight to the horses mouth whether its about hubby's childhood or grandpa's cancer. Its a lot of run around. Normally she could care less about hubby and seeing him or LO its ridiculous. Hubby mentioned to her that we were going to do a little Easter egg hunt here for my niece/nephew, kids around, of course LO. She then decides to take it upon herself to ask if we are going to color Easter eggs, I said yes since LO is finally old enough but that is before Easter. She invites herself... not that its a HUGE deal or anything but just like when we do gingerbread houses at xmas, its usually a 3 of us thing, especially since I have so many health issues and overall craziness going on.

I was talking to my mom today about things and told her this tidbit, which in the past she knows/has seen all the crazy off-the-wall things MIL has done. Yet she is like, just let her come its not that big of a deal... I wanted to just say SHUT UP..... but instead I said I know its not a big deal but this is our time to do a holiday thing with just us, the rest of the holiday time(at any holiday) is always split up between parents and we don't get our own holiday time typically and this year I am making it happen. Why cant she just listen to me vent instead of making me feel like I am being crazy. I stopped talking about it and listened to her as usual. She has been telling me about this or that "friend" drama over the last year or so and it is still a battle, I feel like she just shouldn't even see this person if its such a big deal yet she does... that's her choice and I listen to her vent and am fine with it. Yet today when I am venting about hubby's college stuff, and how its very screwed up so he is switching schools... she halfway into my sentence cuts me off and is like "I need to start dinner." and gives me a finishing line. She wasn't mad or anything but she does this often after getting everything she wants vented out. I am starting to get pissed off.

Why is it that when I talk to others they can get their whole life story or vents out but when I start they end up cutting me off? With the exception of a couple of good friends. Not to mention my depression has not yet lifted so this sent me into another little bit of sadness that my own mother just doesn't give a crap unless we are talking about my sibling(who is a jerk to her).

I feel so judged by so many people whether I am out and about or at my home when certain people come to visit. Its this unexplainable sickness it leaves me with, that I cannot understand. I don't know why people do it and I don't know how to sift the good weeds from the bad.

But in good news, I am getting my stitches out tomorrow morning! Hooray! Hoping I have no infections!  I am having this weird leg stabbing pain that is a brand new pain, its like in the back of my thigh to behind my knee, almost vein feeling. Its horrible when it happens. There is always something new to add to my list of symptoms.

Hoping this depression lifts soon because I feel like a maniac at this point and no longer wish to feel this way or be in this much pain. I hate endo... and fibro... and any other condition that causes pain for extended periods of time.

Truly painful

Today started out ok believe it or not, I have been trying to stay busy which is easier on the weekends since we tend to have to run errands and whatnot. Did stuff around the house when we finally got home and I wanted to see if there was a huge difference with a GF lady finger for Tiramisu, so I was standing for a while making all of that...there is a difference by the way they are VERY cookie like and you almost need to soak them for a while first otherwise it wont soak through like the regular ones. I think I am going to try homemade shortbread next time. Then hubby really wanted meatloaf so I tried a new recipe and mashed potato's and amazing GF gravy. I have been pretty much standing, cleaning, cooking all day. I mentally felt better because I didn't have the chance to think about things too much and it was nice and sunny.

The last multiple hours got rough though. My legs are like gnawing down to the bone, hips to toes. Hubby came and elevated them for me and gave me ice packs for my thighs. Then he changed my dressings for my stitches, which now has gotten so raw from the often band aid changes that I had to have him try to tape gauze on which doesn't stay very well.

We had planned 1 thing so far for tomorrow and it is supposed to be quick. Now MIL calls and is asking for "possible" help with something that is hours away from where she or we live and isn't even sure its going to happen.... shes so weird. Then she doesn't tell hubby about HIS grandfather and the cancer stuff, but when on the phone with me she tells me all about it, her tone of voice didn't change once. Then we had offered to have her(and others) over to our house for an Easter egg hunt thing for the children around, she then invites herself to do egg coloring with us. We do that before Easter itself and now that LO is getting old enough its something that is just for the 3 of us, but this is the type of thing she does. Even though normally she wants nothing to do with her son or granddaughter.

On top of just being in massive pain and stupid drama, in spring we get these tiny little ants here or there in the bathroom or whatever room really. It is driving me crazy! It makes me feel like we aren't clean or are slobs or something which really isn't the case. I have no idea how to make them go away, plus its kind of hard since we have LO we really cant use a bunch of sprays or whatever in the house.

Hoping things turn out for everyone, my blogger friends included. Seems like a lot of us have been having hard times.