When its bad its BAD

I have been having eye twitching on one eye for days now and had awoken to that yesterday. Then I realized that I was having one of those days where it feels like my leg is being ripped from my hip, which leaves me with no range of motion. I couldn't even lift my leg, I would either have to grab it up with my arm which had to be very slow because it was painful or Id have to have hubbs help me.

Hubbs was gone all morning for some test stuff he had to do, but that left me taking care of LO and trying to care for myself. It was rough. I was pretty depressed at that point, plus for going on 3 wks or so now my pelvic pain is non-stop, I am seriously becoming scared to go anywhere without my heating pad or without a plug-in for it. The thermacare ones are ok but don't cover my whole abdominal pain areas.

It was such a lovely day out and I wanted to at least feel better mentally, so we decided to go to this park/river/campsite area. Its always SO beautiful! We went there and we started looking for rocks along the rocky shore of the river, and hubb sees a rock he thinks will just bust open and throws it down..... and a little piece breaks off and hits me hard. I lost my mind at that moment and yelled at him, I was having such a hard time.  As I am sitting there by myself for a second I am thinking of how it couldn't get worse today, so I need to try and get positive. I said sorry to hubby. As we are sitting there on the shore, I try to take a picture of something and realize my screen looks all weird, then it starts giving me error messages. You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?! I tried for 5 minutes at first to fix it, hubbs wasn't really paying attention. Then I start bawling into my hand, trying to hide it from him. He tried to fix it too, but I don't know whats going on with it. Once things calmed down he asked if I was going to walk in the water a bit like I had said earlier... my response was no... if I go in I will drown myself with how this day is going. Then due to me walking weird because of my hip thing, my other leg's ankle(the bad one that I sprained 3x last year) gave out.... and I say.... best... day... ever.

I realized after my ankle thing that this beautiful purple butterfly had been following me around, and they are usually not around where this area is plus we went to all different areas and it was always this one certain butterfly. Now some people don't believe in this or haven't heard of this but I remember reading a while back that flocks of butterflies or ones lingering are a good omen of someone who died. It had immediately got me wondering, I thought in my head, if it follows me over to the next area we go then I will know.... sure enough. It even landed on me. While that was happening I felt a calmness that I hadn't had all day. Things like that are so wonderful that I wish it could happen more often, it makes me calm and feeling like I can handle all of this.

Obviously, since my camera didn't work I couldn't show the real one but you get the point

I talked to someone with chronic pain recently who made a comment to me that really got me thinking she said "it'd be easier for some people to come to our funerals than deal with us/support us like we are being in pain". I cant say its true about every person who I'm in contact with but for some I believe it rings true. For some, you go to a funeral say some words, mourn, but then you find peace with it and move on. For them, this would be easier than listening to how horrible this is, what a battle we all go through with this diseases, they would rarely think of me again. For others, I think it would be equally as hard, or harder. For my hubbs because there would be no daycare for LO is the first thing I think of(ha ha that's horrible isn't it?!) even though I know he would never truly recover because that is something you would be reminded of every time looking at your child. For my parents I believe it would be hard for some years I think but I think they would do ok eventually. Its hard to think about the fact that for some its easier if you weren't here at all, even if they don't admit it.

Even though what I was saying was serious, I could not resist!

Besides hubbs or my grandma or on very rare occasions my mom I don't talk about my pain, my struggles,etc.... I vent on here about it. I feel like this is the only place people really get it, I can relate and they can too. Even when no one comments to me, I know someone out there read it and is getting it. Plus there isn't judgement of what I should be doing or questions of why I'm not doing other things that I simply cannot do.