Like a week or so ago M and our friend asked me if I would wanted to go out, they need a break but obviously want to drink and I don't drink much so if I could drive. They said they would pay for my gas and food/drinks. So sure, why not?! I need a break too, I need to escape this life if even for a night.
Last night we met early and did our hair and all of that and just made ourselves look good, its nice to "go all out" once and a while. We planned on going to a couple bars and a couple new ones that the one I was really excited about, seemed like my kind of scene. We only made it to the first two places, but that's ok, then we met up with their husbands at the next two places. It was nice, silly. Sometimes I feel like I think things are funny and everyone else is cracking up(maybe its because they work together) but I felt like I had to try and make myself laugh, even if the joke was funny. I don't know if that is a depression thing or what. I wasn't in too much pain until later in the night, super loud(but good) band which later I realized was almost too loud. I feel like an 80yr old grandma that goes along for these trips.
I see all these people my age or in my friends cases in their 30's or their 40's and 50's that are going out dancing, being silly, etc. Here I am so young, and I never got to experience any of that, Ive been sick since I was 16. I know people talk about loss and remembering the old times, like I always reminiscence about my biking/jogging days when I was pretty fit. I don't know if it hurts more or less but I know it hurts to know that I probably wont ever have that normal age appropriate experience of going out and getting wasted because you want to let loose. Or even the cute pictures all my friends have from nights of going out, don't have many. I always try to be a "normal" on these nights we go out.... and it never happens.
So at the last bar we went to M and the friend I will call White Mocha were pretty gone and silly. M asked me a couple times if I was ok. I said I was.... but I wasn't. Its so weird how when M is drunk she can see the hurt in me and asks if I am ok, but when sober she doesn't ever ask. I was pulled out on the dance floor by them and so I "busted a move" totally sober by that point so I'm sure I was dancing quite Caucasian-ally. I ended up running into a guy from my school days and a friend who helped me through a lot back in the day. Ive run into her once before and asked if she had gotten mad at me or what happened since she seemed to have stopped talking to me, in the past she said she had went through some marriage stuff. I got her number and she got mine, but I have issues with trusting people. Even old friends, because at some point none of them were there for me like I was there for them.
I told everyone I was leaving and they kept asking me to stay longer and I couldve stayed and had a few drinks because the night was still young but I just felt so out of my element. I even felt judged, by no one specifically but overall. I feel like I am a confident chick usually but out of my element with people I don't know or randomly run into that remember me as thinner and cuter brings me down, because I don't want to get into the whole life story of my health problems but that is the only way that people could even try to understand.
I left feeling like I was going to cry. No matter how hard I want certain things in my life... Big things like another child or small things like one night out.... it doesn't matter because they all feel like failures brought on by myself, and no one gets that. I felt like I was bringing people down or like fake smiling/laughing even though I didn't talk about my medical stuff at all. Maybe I need others to drive ME around so I can get silly and drink AND THEN even vent and vent until I cannot vent anymore about my health, maybe even cry.... but that's not very fun is it? I am no fun anymore, I feel like I bring others down... and times like these make me feel like why am I even around if its only bringing others down?
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| Cartoon I did NOT create, but represents this all pretty well |
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