Its all coming back to me now.... I think

I'm not sure what is going on with my body the last 4 weeks. Ive been in much more pelvic/stomach pain than usual. My husband pointed out to me how long Ive been back on birth control for.... its been about a month. So that tells me maybe my birth control for endo is doing this to me, even though Ive taken this specific one before and no problem. What is up with this?! I'm more stressed out because I am not knowing where to turn. There's a point where you start thinking, am I the ONLY person who believes I am sick or who realizes something is wrong here?! It drives me nuts. In the meantime before anyone figures anything out, Ive been totally attached to my heating pad. Now due to being in so much pain whether I eat gluten or not Ive let myself eat some things with gluten in it which I'm sure doesn't help, but its not a regular thing I'm doing.... its more of a I'm in so much pain anyways I cant sit there and stare at labels.

I found out my LO's insurance only covers 8 exams between 2yrs-13yrs for what they consider the standard yearly exam where they check to see if they are growing ok,etc. Um that is 11 yrs... that's not even a coverage of an exam a year. That's kind of messed up. I cant stand insurance stuff.

Then yesterday I had to call one of the places that billed me for the car accident visit to the ER. I told them my insurance that I see you know I have, is still processing it... usually after telling any place that they put a note in and wait for payment from insurance then send me the bill. This place sucked.... the chick said we are going to keep sending you a bill because as far as we are concerned its not paid and you signed something saying you are responsible! OK, first off I really think its messed up that someone came and got me to sign some random document when I came in on a board with a neck brace crying and all messed up.... I barely remember it, plus later not thanks for THEIR shitty doctors I found out I had a concussion. Next time I am refusing to sign anything in that condition.  Anyhow, the chick was continually rude to where I finally said fine if you keep harassing me with bills(since its only been 2 months since the accident and my insurance is trying to do it but they needed some stuff from the auto insurance first) then I am going to just throw them away. Fuck em. I just cant believe they can send you to collections whenever they want and mess up your credit or charge you with interest  just because they cannot wait for insurance.... it boggles my mind.

Lost.... no not like the show

This is kind of a progression of my last post. I am kind of disappointed which makes me feel lost. On top of the other crap, I was having bad intestinal pain that comes off as just stomach pains(bad ones) for the last 3 wks straight. I figured it was maybe some gluten I had eaten when my family was out, Ive been totally attached to my heating pad. Then yesterday I pooped blood. This isn't the first time ever this has happened. In the past doctors assumed its constipation (even if I say its not) or say maybe you have hemorrhoids(even without looking, plus I know what those feel like I had them post-child delivery). There really isn't any pain with it but it happened twice yesterday and once today. If it keeps happening I may have to go see the doc... yay.

I'm also upset because I feel like less than a person(hopefully that makes sense). I had talked to my dad about the whole "coming to the funeral" comment I talked about in my last post. He said he could see how I could see that or how for some people that may be true. He didn't say too much more about it, we got interrupted halfway into the discussion anyhow. But knowing I felt sad enough to even say that, makes me wonder why he doesn't care enough to call me and see if I am really ok, especially since the conversation never finished. I am learning to not expect anything from anyone, just because I hope for something isn't going to make it true. Plus I feel like to even hash it out with anyone isn't worth it anymore, I feel like a drama queen talking about anything in the past.

Just happened to have to jump up and answer the phone while typing this. It was hubb's co-worker saying they are only working one day next week. He suggested it was because one of the head guys was going to be out of town for vacation so it was probably due to that.... I was thinking must be nice. THEN his fucking co-worker has the nerve to say which I will be out town on vaca too so that works out great for me HAHAHAHA..... fuck you. His wife gets major money from disability to where if his hours get cut back it doesn't really matter. She has fibro too so I thought she would be all about research for a cure. But apparently when my hubbs went to work that day(May 12th) I asked if her husband had worn purple, he said the husband didn't even know it was awareness day.... I hate to judge but how the hell is your disease so bad yet you don't care enough to spread awareness so you can find a cure and get better??! I don't get people. We all hurt differently but even if I hurt less I would still spread the word for my chronic pain sista's out there. Seriously....

I feel like vomiting now....

When its bad its BAD

I have been having eye twitching on one eye for days now and had awoken to that yesterday. Then I realized that I was having one of those days where it feels like my leg is being ripped from my hip, which leaves me with no range of motion. I couldn't even lift my leg, I would either have to grab it up with my arm which had to be very slow because it was painful or Id have to have hubbs help me.

Hubbs was gone all morning for some test stuff he had to do, but that left me taking care of LO and trying to care for myself. It was rough. I was pretty depressed at that point, plus for going on 3 wks or so now my pelvic pain is non-stop, I am seriously becoming scared to go anywhere without my heating pad or without a plug-in for it. The thermacare ones are ok but don't cover my whole abdominal pain areas.

It was such a lovely day out and I wanted to at least feel better mentally, so we decided to go to this park/river/campsite area. Its always SO beautiful! We went there and we started looking for rocks along the rocky shore of the river, and hubb sees a rock he thinks will just bust open and throws it down..... and a little piece breaks off and hits me hard. I lost my mind at that moment and yelled at him, I was having such a hard time.  As I am sitting there by myself for a second I am thinking of how it couldn't get worse today, so I need to try and get positive. I said sorry to hubby. As we are sitting there on the shore, I try to take a picture of something and realize my screen looks all weird, then it starts giving me error messages. You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?! I tried for 5 minutes at first to fix it, hubbs wasn't really paying attention. Then I start bawling into my hand, trying to hide it from him. He tried to fix it too, but I don't know whats going on with it. Once things calmed down he asked if I was going to walk in the water a bit like I had said earlier... my response was no... if I go in I will drown myself with how this day is going. Then due to me walking weird because of my hip thing, my other leg's ankle(the bad one that I sprained 3x last year) gave out.... and I say.... best... day... ever.

I realized after my ankle thing that this beautiful purple butterfly had been following me around, and they are usually not around where this area is plus we went to all different areas and it was always this one certain butterfly. Now some people don't believe in this or haven't heard of this but I remember reading a while back that flocks of butterflies or ones lingering are a good omen of someone who died. It had immediately got me wondering, I thought in my head, if it follows me over to the next area we go then I will know.... sure enough. It even landed on me. While that was happening I felt a calmness that I hadn't had all day. Things like that are so wonderful that I wish it could happen more often, it makes me calm and feeling like I can handle all of this.

Obviously, since my camera didn't work I couldn't show the real one but you get the point

I talked to someone with chronic pain recently who made a comment to me that really got me thinking she said "it'd be easier for some people to come to our funerals than deal with us/support us like we are being in pain". I cant say its true about every person who I'm in contact with but for some I believe it rings true. For some, you go to a funeral say some words, mourn, but then you find peace with it and move on. For them, this would be easier than listening to how horrible this is, what a battle we all go through with this diseases, they would rarely think of me again. For others, I think it would be equally as hard, or harder. For my hubbs because there would be no daycare for LO is the first thing I think of(ha ha that's horrible isn't it?!) even though I know he would never truly recover because that is something you would be reminded of every time looking at your child. For my parents I believe it would be hard for some years I think but I think they would do ok eventually. Its hard to think about the fact that for some its easier if you weren't here at all, even if they don't admit it.

Even though what I was saying was serious, I could not resist!

Besides hubbs or my grandma or on very rare occasions my mom I don't talk about my pain, my struggles,etc.... I vent on here about it. I feel like this is the only place people really get it, I can relate and they can too. Even when no one comments to me, I know someone out there read it and is getting it. Plus there isn't judgement of what I should be doing or questions of why I'm not doing other things that I simply cannot do.

Catching up

For some reason since the last 2 weeks of running around, I cannot seem to beat this exhaustion. I went to bed early last night and am already up, not because I want to be but because my body wont let me. At first I felt like maybe I would be refreshed but now I am already falling back into exhausted.

A fibro friend of mine had been in this horrific flare for a while and she couldn't really talk on the phone so I would email her sometimes to ask her if she needed anything. Then one day it sounded like things got busy for her and she was running around crazy about the time I was. Ive called her now and she never called back. Kind of bums me out just because I always assume because we both have similar pain that we get each other. I'm not stupid though, if someone doesn't bother calling me back for a while or whatever I don't keep bugging them, I give them time to do whatever they want to do. I just hope things are ok for her.

My eye keeps twitching as of yesterday and I don't know why, its driving me nuts! When everyone was out here we had some things with gluten and since then Ive had the toughest time trying to get it out of my system. My pelvic pain has been horrible because of it. Sometimes I didn't realize what I was eating even had it in there.

I'm just going to keep praying for good things to happen for my hubby's job situation and for us as a family. That is all I can do at this point.

Some facts about unemployment and family

Even though its been a little while since my last post things have gotten worse. Ive mentioned a couple times that hubbs job is back and forth. They have him working so much we barely see each other for a couple months and then for months on end he is working maybe 2 days a week, not enough to live off of. Yet people tell us hes lucky to have a job.... people are misguided. Just because you have a job doesn't mean there is some steady stream of income, and due to this was the first job to come up in about a year after him being laid off there were not other options and still aren't many. Due to them never knowing which days during the week will for sure be work he cant even go get a part time job slinging burgers for the days he isn't working. At this point its becoming just as bad as being on unemployment. Another factoid Id love to share is that when people are on unemployment its NOT (I repeat NOT) taxpayers doctors, its money the worker them self has put into the system that they are getting back in this type of emergency, they aren't lowly scumbags who don't look for jobs or that are just eating up everyone else's tax dollars. I hate that misconception.... my hubby works his ass off and yet here we are again. I feel so bad for him.

I wish I wasn't in so much pain and I didn't have all these health problems. I have such guilt that even the thought of a job puts me into anxiety overload because I tried to work when he was laid off last year and I was seriously dead at the end of each day and in massive amounts of pain, plus taking more meds just to get through the day. I just don't know what to do, don't know who to turn to.... I'm just at a total loss. I wish one thing would just go right, my health or our finances or something.....we just need a break Dear Lord. Are you there? Its me....

The reason I haven't been online is because my family has been visiting, plus Ive been doing copious amounts of housework to where I could barely move. My grandparents came to stay at our house which I loved! I miss my home state and I miss them. I cried on my way home today not sure if I am for sure seeing them tomorrow before they leave. They give me the comfort I need to go on... just now I burst into tears just typing the word comfort because I have none now. My aunt and uncle and their kids came out too, it wasn't that great with them. My aunt(by marriage) was very judgemental/hypocritical even though her kids are far from perfect and I didn't judge, its not my problem or place to.... yet she judged all of us. I am still angry with my brother and having that anger is making me unhappy... I am the kind of person who needs peace with most situations even when its not my fault. I don't feel peace, I feel chaos and not in a fun and kooky kind of way.

I want to move back to my home state and just leave here away from the drama. Leave some of my problems behind and look forward to bigger things. I want to blossom but I also don't want to taint memories of my childhood with adult drama and I'm afraid that since my aunt and uncle are back in that state too, that Id still have a fair amount of BS to deal with.

I think its fair at this point to say I feel very alone and am planning on isolating myself. I know its not healthy, I know its not what I'm supposed to do but I will just write on here because I feel like this is the only place I can be totally honest whether its craziness or not.

Home sweet Home... if only it were that easy...

Failure is spelled with a capital F in my case

So after seeing different posts on some endo boards/blogs etc I am starting to feel like more and more of a Failure. Not like I am kind of not living up what I want but I am completely off base, how come I cant do more?

Everyone has moments of laziness but I seriously am not that lazy, I really do try so hard to make myself appear normal to everyone else, to give myself a normal life. Some people are running marathons and running successful businesses and just overachieving. I am very happy for them don't get me wrong but I do have jealously about it. I wish that were me. I have tried lots of times to exercise not to run a marathon but to lose weight and I end up so stiff I can barely move and just in so much pain, I don't get to have lots of pain meds or a good doc to lean on... believe me Ive tried to find one. I have ideas for businesses but I don't have the back round for it and we don't have any money due to hubbs layoff last year and his hours are so back and forth right now.

I want to change. I changed certain looks of myself, hair, nails, clothes, whatever but it doesn't add up the same for me. I want something more. I guess it doesn't even boil down to jealously, it boils down to wanting feel good. Each of us feels different levels of pain all over our body, we all handle it differently, we are all just different but we have the similarity of the disease the pain in general. Someone may have a bunch of endo or been dealing with fibro for years and they may be pain free but a person with barely any endo or only had fibro for a year may be barely able to function.

I just wish there was a basis for what all of us with a certain illness should be expecting. Its sucks to have friends or family think you're full of it because they see "cures" all over online or that certain people are able to do simple daily tasks or do more fun activities so why aren't you?

So even though I know everyone is different why do I feel like such a Failure?

Type A anyone?

I am feeling so run down, so sickly. My pain has been horrible the last week with all of the stuff Ive been doing. Its like when I am doing it I feel mostly good, loosened up, then once I am all done my muscles stiffen up really badly to where I cant or don't want to move. That's what happens when I workout too which I why I avoid it.

My nausea is out of control. I think its from taking the anti-nausea stuff earlier this week to where my body wants it again otherwise it gets out of control.

I wanted to go get a haircut because as I was doing my hair today I noticed that both sides don't have as many layers as I would've liked and one side seems to have even less than the other. I asked hubby if he was ok with that because he is sleeping and then I could go do it this morning if I could get in somewhere.... he said we have other things to do today.... I asked what, and he said he couldn't remember. The only thing I can think of is putting the actual plants into the garden today. Its just annoying. Ive fixed up everything around me and there is no way I can lose a bunch of weight before everyone comes out so I want to get a haircut to look better.

UGH. I cannot wait until everyone is just here I get so stressed out before if everything is perfect.