I am wondering if anyone else has these same thoughts and feelings as I do about fights in life with friends, family, or significant others really taking ya down to a dark place where as if I wasn't dealing with my medical stuff I would be able to handle these situations better.
Its frustrating enough that I have all of these medical conditions and a couple new things that have now risen since I saw a new doctor last week, so again I have new worries and of course who could forget about the old worries! It just boggles my mind how much some of us deal with and yet we still go on, most of us very nice people on top of it!
Currently, I am in a bit of a freak out mode. I had a slight argument with someone and its really just weighing on me hard. I keep going over it thinking did I do something wrong in it or am I right in being mad? So far I don't think I am all wrong or all right. I explain to people what I need to be successful with the weight loss stuff when they ask so they can be sure to know what I need.... then they turn around and don't do ANY of the crap I need... none. Makes me feel like wow, its all about you... and in many relationships its like that. I don't need people to be focused on me all the time or anything I am a pretty laid back chick most of the time, but if you ask and I tell you then its just plain messed up to do the opposite things and then wonder why I am so mad/upset/discouraged.
I just want important people in my life to get me, even when I am down. I wish I had one of those relationships where the other person knew what you were thinking before you said it or just got you enough to not make you feel the way I feel right now. At the same time, this isn't even a HUGE argument or anything yet its just made me feel very alone which then leads me to feel like why is this such a big deal to me? Am I a little bit crazy or something?
I think we all want what everyone wants though except for us it really is hard to find... people who just understand. To make us feel like we aren't alone in this battle, which is the reason I am writing on here compared to bitching to a friend or something... because I know so many of you get this... because you're in the same predicament I am. While I wish none of us had to go through this, it does give me comfort to know someone is out here listening... and I hope I can be that comfort for someone else too.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Stylish Blogger Award!
I think this is amazing that Bloggers can give other bloggers they connect with awards. Makes ya feel like there is someone listening out there whether you have 1 follower or a bunch of them! So my friend over at That Girl With Endo nominated me for this award and now I'm going to pass the torch to some bloggers I have related to.
The rules for accepting this award are:
- Thank and link back to the person who has awarded you.
- Award 15 other bloggers.
- Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.
All of these people whether it be about health, past lives looking for family, or current everyday life all have interesting perspectives on all they blog about! I suggest taking a look!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Out with the old, In with the new... People that is
Ive decided to let my guard down for a while and try to either meet new people not online who I have similarities with or start talking to people from my past who were always amazing people. So far I may have done both! I contacted a friend from my past who now has a wonderful fiance and baby and since I know he is a great person I am not scared he will end up being a crazy... plus from the sounds of it his fiance is comparable to my personality.
It sucks that I even have to "clean house" with people though. Believe it or not I am not a mean person and am hoping this doesn't make me sound mean. I just cant take people who pretend they care about you or want to be in your life but turn around and do things that show the exact opposite.
I recently started talking to an old friend of mine who was always really fun, she was someone I met when I started working at a grocery store and we went to the same high school. We both had hard times during high school and leaned on each other and drank...a lot. We talked a couple times and it felt like old times minus the fact that I am married and have a kid. She said she wasn't really partying anymore and sounded like she was growing up. I saw all her pictures on FB and half of them she is half naked... to me that is trying a bit hard. Posting pictures in general of my family freaks me out but I especially don't put 1/2 naked pics of me up where you can tell the person is really trying to be... THAT GIRL. Just makes it kind of weird for me because I wouldn't want my husband to end up looking at my FB and see her pics, its that bad. But I was overlooking it for the time being because I thought she has some issues and she is a nice person. As I talk more to her, it becomes more and more apparent she doesn't give a crap about anyone but herself. One night she was even supposed to call me and then just didn't, never heard anything since about, "oh sorry _____________ came up."
Just kind of hurts when you realize(in any relationship) that you care more about the person then they do about you. I think that is the point where you need to decide if that person is worth wasting your time over.
I don't think a couple people in my life are worth me wasting my time. As my father pointed out to me recently when talking about some family drama... would you let anyone in your life cause you physical pain by punching you etc? I said no of course not, and he said "Well, why are you letting these people cause you physical pain with their drama?"(because of my chronic pain). All I can say is thanks dad! Because now I get it, something clicked. I don't have to be a jerk but I can be honest and if people wonder why I am not asking them how they are anymore I can tell them.... because I cared more about you than you did about me and I need a friend sometimes too, I'm not your groupie.
It sucks that I even have to "clean house" with people though. Believe it or not I am not a mean person and am hoping this doesn't make me sound mean. I just cant take people who pretend they care about you or want to be in your life but turn around and do things that show the exact opposite.
I recently started talking to an old friend of mine who was always really fun, she was someone I met when I started working at a grocery store and we went to the same high school. We both had hard times during high school and leaned on each other and drank...a lot. We talked a couple times and it felt like old times minus the fact that I am married and have a kid. She said she wasn't really partying anymore and sounded like she was growing up. I saw all her pictures on FB and half of them she is half naked... to me that is trying a bit hard. Posting pictures in general of my family freaks me out but I especially don't put 1/2 naked pics of me up where you can tell the person is really trying to be... THAT GIRL. Just makes it kind of weird for me because I wouldn't want my husband to end up looking at my FB and see her pics, its that bad. But I was overlooking it for the time being because I thought she has some issues and she is a nice person. As I talk more to her, it becomes more and more apparent she doesn't give a crap about anyone but herself. One night she was even supposed to call me and then just didn't, never heard anything since about, "oh sorry _____________ came up."
Just kind of hurts when you realize(in any relationship) that you care more about the person then they do about you. I think that is the point where you need to decide if that person is worth wasting your time over.
I don't think a couple people in my life are worth me wasting my time. As my father pointed out to me recently when talking about some family drama... would you let anyone in your life cause you physical pain by punching you etc? I said no of course not, and he said "Well, why are you letting these people cause you physical pain with their drama?"(because of my chronic pain). All I can say is thanks dad! Because now I get it, something clicked. I don't have to be a jerk but I can be honest and if people wonder why I am not asking them how they are anymore I can tell them.... because I cared more about you than you did about me and I need a friend sometimes too, I'm not your groupie.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
"Useless" Anger
I'm just so annoyed right now I need to let it go so I can stop feeling like this. I don't understand people... they want me to be healthy and happy so I have been trying bunches of diets for the last couple years to combat pain while trying to lose weight. So far nothing has worked on both levels well enough. I have been doing this one I have described in previous entries now for about a month and haven't been able to really do a good workout yet because my pain is just unbearable. Well today I just really couldn't get the idea of a good walk out of my head. So because my husband had the day off I begged him to come with me. First... he says he wants to do HIS workout and then we can go. To some this isn't a big deal but he is already skinny, that's fine if he wants to workout but I needed to get walking before I was hit with pain that would combat any thoughts of going on a decent walk. Eventually he agreed.... so we hit the trails!
I was very invigorated it was just nice to be doing that again plus I like to talk and walk so we able to just shoot the shit, which is good. At the end of the walk I decide I want to jog for the last couple minutes in my new shoes! So I did... it was ok right after but the rest of the day I have been useless.
This is what I do NOT understand about "normals". They want you to be fit or whatnot and bitch at you making you feel like crap even though you've explained how many frickin times that it causes massive pain and you are then left useless for the rest of the day and sometimes days on end. So when you finally give in(because its not like you don't want to be healthier anyhow!)... and then you are left useless after the workout. You are made to feel guilty because you are not pulling your weight! WHAT?! Its pure insanity! I just don't get it... I even make dinner after all of this and my legs were the most painful and yet somehow I am doing something wrong. Guess I see where this will get me everytime, such a catch 22 situation.
I was very invigorated it was just nice to be doing that again plus I like to talk and walk so we able to just shoot the shit, which is good. At the end of the walk I decide I want to jog for the last couple minutes in my new shoes! So I did... it was ok right after but the rest of the day I have been useless.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I think I may be a control freak!
I am currently reading this book my mom got herself one copy and me one. Its all about letting go to whatever spiritual power you believe in and letting them take your burdens. For me that is hard to do. I feel like such a control freak after reading some of it. I didnt even think I was one. I feel like I have felt like a burden to those around me for years to where I have just gotten used to feeling this way, and its hard to let anyone, let alone God to take over all of my burdens. With food, with my health, with my life. Im not a super religious person but in the book it talks about so many people keep God seperate from their lives and if they just let that power take over what we cannot control(even though we believe we can control things) then things would change for the better. Its interesting, hope Im not butchering it by trying to explain it but its kind of opened my eyes to things I havent heard or tried before. Not saying I want to be one of those people who push their beliefs on others or spout out religious things all the time but I want to be able to let go.
My pain last night was so horrible. from my toes to my butt my left leg was hurting. Then my lower back for some reason has just been really touchy. So I had some of my lidocane patches that I never tried for this specific pain so I tried them, still didnt do that much for me. Then.... I started feeling like my heart was palpitating oddly so I went online to see what the deal was, it had only been on for like 1/2-1hr. Of course they list every side effect in the book just like any other drug so they cover their asses, so that didnt help. But then I found customer reviews of people for the most part it was how it either worked or didnt then I found one that said they had the heart racing thing and took it off and 20min later felt better. So I took it off. Of course I still had horrible pain so I didnt know what I was supposed to do. Didnt get to sleep until late, then woke up early as usual. Man I am exhausted....
So much to do and learn and change in so little time... I need to let go.....
My pain last night was so horrible. from my toes to my butt my left leg was hurting. Then my lower back for some reason has just been really touchy. So I had some of my lidocane patches that I never tried for this specific pain so I tried them, still didnt do that much for me. Then.... I started feeling like my heart was palpitating oddly so I went online to see what the deal was, it had only been on for like 1/2-1hr. Of course they list every side effect in the book just like any other drug so they cover their asses, so that didnt help. But then I found customer reviews of people for the most part it was how it either worked or didnt then I found one that said they had the heart racing thing and took it off and 20min later felt better. So I took it off. Of course I still had horrible pain so I didnt know what I was supposed to do. Didnt get to sleep until late, then woke up early as usual. Man I am exhausted....
So much to do and learn and change in so little time... I need to let go.....
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Learning and Living
I have noticed that even though I am blessed enough to be married and have found a good guy, I still feel alone in my illnesses. I wonder if other people with chronic pain conditions feel similar whether they are surrounded by people or all alone? Because even when you talk to others about your current experiences some of the normals just dont care to hear about it unless it involves them. Sometimes its hard to take, I can understand where they dont want to hear about it because its usually the same thing all the time. I try to explain to people or their loved ones that even though you may be sick of hearing your loved one talk about pain, or letdowns, etc with illness you need to realize they LIVE with it every-single-day. How frustrating it is... day in and day out no matter what I seem to change in my diet or lifestyle, it stays the same or gets worse, doesnt seem to get better. Yet here I am trying, still trying after all this time and will continue to until I die.
Sometimes I am exhausted(currently) with trying to either please others or just trying to get them to hear me. I feel like even if I screamed in their faces they would just go along their merry ways, saying stupid shit like "You look fine to me" "You seem ok" "Must be nice to just sit at home". Well besides using ALL of my energy to raise kids and then running out before I can even take care of me, then getting bad news, worse news.... it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out why so many of us feel down even when we try to remain positive.
I personally dont think its a bad thing because without feeling depressed once and a while due to our situations I dont think we could appreciate the simple things we appreciate over others. We probably wouldnt be as compassionate as most of us are. Even though I am in far more pain that I used to be I think I value my life more, my quality isnt the best because I cant do all the things I wish. The things that I do though, they are wonderful! I only do things I want to at this point, still learning to say no, but usually doing what I want... what I need. Our lives are so short and even though we cant do many things we may want to do, maybe it just wasnt in the cards to do. Maybe its a sign for things to come, as my mom has said, "You have paid your dues, your future is filled with good Karma." I believe it too.
Sometimes I am exhausted(currently) with trying to either please others or just trying to get them to hear me. I feel like even if I screamed in their faces they would just go along their merry ways, saying stupid shit like "You look fine to me" "You seem ok" "Must be nice to just sit at home". Well besides using ALL of my energy to raise kids and then running out before I can even take care of me, then getting bad news, worse news.... it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out why so many of us feel down even when we try to remain positive.
I personally dont think its a bad thing because without feeling depressed once and a while due to our situations I dont think we could appreciate the simple things we appreciate over others. We probably wouldnt be as compassionate as most of us are. Even though I am in far more pain that I used to be I think I value my life more, my quality isnt the best because I cant do all the things I wish. The things that I do though, they are wonderful! I only do things I want to at this point, still learning to say no, but usually doing what I want... what I need. Our lives are so short and even though we cant do many things we may want to do, maybe it just wasnt in the cards to do. Maybe its a sign for things to come, as my mom has said, "You have paid your dues, your future is filled with good Karma." I believe it too.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The dog that saved my life
I just want to take a moment to write about how Im feeling because its really nagging at me. My parents have had my dog since when I moved out. There were certain places where dogs werent allowed(apartments etc). But I always felt like he was MY dog. He always seemed so happy to see me and listened to me even when he didnt listen to anyone else. I chose him over bunches of other dogs at the humane society.
Heres some backround: when I was a teen I had many horrible experiences and had a hard time with it all. Pretty much right after all of those experiences I was always seeing doctors about my pelvic pain, treated like I was making it up for a long time then got surgery and was dx'd with endo.
Sometime in between my horrible experiences and my endo diagnosis, I got Jack. I had been so deeply depressed, I was sort of obsessed with things involving death. Im also an artist and most of the things I drew and wrote about were beyond dark or disturbing. I had talked to my parents about the fact that we had a family dog who I loved dearly but he wasnt mine to take care of, he was a group thing. They agreed to get a buddy for our family dog. What we didnt know is this dog would save my life. He saved me from my dark depression, he was one of the things I would think about if I was in a dark place that I didnt think I could get out of. He made me laugh, he made me mad but he didnt make me in the least bit depressed. He let me cuddle him for as long as I wanted, made me feel like I wasnt a lost cause. Then as I got older and wouldve been able to keep him at my house, he was so attached to the other dog at my parents I couldnt split them up, but I still always thought of him as my dog. Once I had my child, he let her climb all over him and just be crazy around him and wouldnt do anything even resembling mean or irritated.
Recently, he started limping around and none of us knew what the deal was. My parents took him to the vet where they told them stuff but implied it wasnt a big deal. He got worse. Then they took him back multiple other times, he was all kinds of fucked up. They put him on pain pills and were supposed to wait and see if he got better. He rapidly got worse.
So today I went with my dad and had to have him put down. It was such a draining experience, the whole drive to the vet I was nervous and then from the second I stepped into the office I felt like puking and couldnt stop my tears. I just sat there staring out the window when they took him back to insert the IV, I just couldnt look anywhere but out. I had these feelings of maybe we should quick swoop him away and get the hell outta dodge! But I knew he wouldnt get better and we would end up back here. They then called us back to be with him while he nervously(he hates anywhere but home)waited on the table, we sat and talked with him. I cried a lot.... I couldnt hold it back I felt like this moment was my last straw that broke the camels back. We finally had to call the vet over, she first gave him a seditive. The thoughts of how this dog saved my life and here I am not doing a damn thing but petting him gave me so much guilt. My mind raced, there had to be something I could do for him to make him healthy again... nothing. Not to meantion the fact that I had been told this was inhumane by some idiot, kept rotating in my mind. The vet gave him the last meds and we just kept talking and petting him until they told us he was gone. I kissed him and said goodbye.
To some people this post may not be their thing because they dont understand why I am so emotional over a dog, but as I have said he wasnt just some random dog.... he saved my life... probably more than once. Im glad he is not in pain anymore but I cant help but feel upset that this even had to happen or that I wasnt able to help him more.
I will miss you Jack. You made my mom so angry, which made my dad and I laugh so hard. You always were someone to talk to and constantly willing to cuddle up. You saved my life and I hope I can be half the mammal you were, you did what you wanted/needed and thats all anyone needed to know as far as you were concerned and I need to learn from that attitude. Love you man.
Heres some backround: when I was a teen I had many horrible experiences and had a hard time with it all. Pretty much right after all of those experiences I was always seeing doctors about my pelvic pain, treated like I was making it up for a long time then got surgery and was dx'd with endo.
Sometime in between my horrible experiences and my endo diagnosis, I got Jack. I had been so deeply depressed, I was sort of obsessed with things involving death. Im also an artist and most of the things I drew and wrote about were beyond dark or disturbing. I had talked to my parents about the fact that we had a family dog who I loved dearly but he wasnt mine to take care of, he was a group thing. They agreed to get a buddy for our family dog. What we didnt know is this dog would save my life. He saved me from my dark depression, he was one of the things I would think about if I was in a dark place that I didnt think I could get out of. He made me laugh, he made me mad but he didnt make me in the least bit depressed. He let me cuddle him for as long as I wanted, made me feel like I wasnt a lost cause. Then as I got older and wouldve been able to keep him at my house, he was so attached to the other dog at my parents I couldnt split them up, but I still always thought of him as my dog. Once I had my child, he let her climb all over him and just be crazy around him and wouldnt do anything even resembling mean or irritated.
Recently, he started limping around and none of us knew what the deal was. My parents took him to the vet where they told them stuff but implied it wasnt a big deal. He got worse. Then they took him back multiple other times, he was all kinds of fucked up. They put him on pain pills and were supposed to wait and see if he got better. He rapidly got worse.
So today I went with my dad and had to have him put down. It was such a draining experience, the whole drive to the vet I was nervous and then from the second I stepped into the office I felt like puking and couldnt stop my tears. I just sat there staring out the window when they took him back to insert the IV, I just couldnt look anywhere but out. I had these feelings of maybe we should quick swoop him away and get the hell outta dodge! But I knew he wouldnt get better and we would end up back here. They then called us back to be with him while he nervously(he hates anywhere but home)waited on the table, we sat and talked with him. I cried a lot.... I couldnt hold it back I felt like this moment was my last straw that broke the camels back. We finally had to call the vet over, she first gave him a seditive. The thoughts of how this dog saved my life and here I am not doing a damn thing but petting him gave me so much guilt. My mind raced, there had to be something I could do for him to make him healthy again... nothing. Not to meantion the fact that I had been told this was inhumane by some idiot, kept rotating in my mind. The vet gave him the last meds and we just kept talking and petting him until they told us he was gone. I kissed him and said goodbye.
To some people this post may not be their thing because they dont understand why I am so emotional over a dog, but as I have said he wasnt just some random dog.... he saved my life... probably more than once. Im glad he is not in pain anymore but I cant help but feel upset that this even had to happen or that I wasnt able to help him more.
I will miss you Jack. You made my mom so angry, which made my dad and I laugh so hard. You always were someone to talk to and constantly willing to cuddle up. You saved my life and I hope I can be half the mammal you were, you did what you wanted/needed and thats all anyone needed to know as far as you were concerned and I need to learn from that attitude. Love you man.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Positivity
I just have to say that I think all of my lady and fellow chronic pain sufferers of any kind are the most positive, strong people I know. I am sick of hearing how "negative" we are thought of by some of the normals in our lives, its ridiculous!
I think it takes a lot of damn courage and strength to get out of bed each day and do anything when you feel like you got the flu, got hit by a car, and have alzheimers. Seriously. I know so many of us deal with this day in and day out and dont get credit for it and I just want to give some credit to us! We are a badass group of people that could conquer anything that we put our minds to! Yes sometimes maybe itll take us a bit longer than others or we may need to come back to certain things later but we get it done!
Some of the people I know personally are just the most interesting people. The things they have been through and dealt with so graciously is truly amazing; because of this they are so beautiful and wonderful, and overall just great well rounded people. So many Normals in life flip out for stupid things, like when the Barista makes their coffee the wrong way or when their friend on FB says something and they misread it because its in text... they just dont know how hard it could be. Everyone has struggles and I try not to compare because at some points in life yours may be better than others and different times others lives may be better. Just saying for how much the Normals seem to criticize, we as a group seem to control ourselves so much better sometimes even though certain times I think we deserve to flip out.
I left my lawyers office today and while she was very nice, its just so hard for me to explain where I am coming from on my problems. I am so sick of hearing how COMPLEX my history is! I know, I lived it and am still living it because no one can fucking help me. It's a feeling of being out in the middle of the sea drowning... theres a boat right next to you with floatation devices but for one selfish reason or another they just wont give you one...you just keep flailing to stay afloat. I yelled at the top of my lungs on the ride home, I just couldnt stand it anymore, no tears just screams.
Im trying so hard to be this better person but these things make it so hard for me not to isolate myself. Things are going on and I cant even talk about it because so many of my family would look down on me for even thinking of applying for disability because Im young and I should magicially just be getting better. I look at it as asking for help which I was always told I needed to work on, but then you get judged just like I always assumed when I was growing up.
I talk to my husband who is supportive but just doesnt really get it, I tell him I am happy with him and my kid among other things, but it has nothing to do with how depressed/angry over what my present/past medical history keeps coming out to. I always hear, "everything will be ok." I am starting to say, "No it wont", back to him. Its harder to go on with this facade of Im ok when I have this hope that gets ripped away much too often.
These last parts may sound negative to some Im sure, but I want to point out that I dont sit in bed eating bon bons all day(even though I want to!) because Im in pain or depressed/angry. I get my ass up and take care of business...and some! We all have the right to bitch and moan about whats really going on because we deal with this daily and without talking it out we probably wouldnt survive it. Its like poison to the soul.
I think it takes a lot of damn courage and strength to get out of bed each day and do anything when you feel like you got the flu, got hit by a car, and have alzheimers. Seriously. I know so many of us deal with this day in and day out and dont get credit for it and I just want to give some credit to us! We are a badass group of people that could conquer anything that we put our minds to! Yes sometimes maybe itll take us a bit longer than others or we may need to come back to certain things later but we get it done!
Some of the people I know personally are just the most interesting people. The things they have been through and dealt with so graciously is truly amazing; because of this they are so beautiful and wonderful, and overall just great well rounded people. So many Normals in life flip out for stupid things, like when the Barista makes their coffee the wrong way or when their friend on FB says something and they misread it because its in text... they just dont know how hard it could be. Everyone has struggles and I try not to compare because at some points in life yours may be better than others and different times others lives may be better. Just saying for how much the Normals seem to criticize, we as a group seem to control ourselves so much better sometimes even though certain times I think we deserve to flip out.
I left my lawyers office today and while she was very nice, its just so hard for me to explain where I am coming from on my problems. I am so sick of hearing how COMPLEX my history is! I know, I lived it and am still living it because no one can fucking help me. It's a feeling of being out in the middle of the sea drowning... theres a boat right next to you with floatation devices but for one selfish reason or another they just wont give you one...you just keep flailing to stay afloat. I yelled at the top of my lungs on the ride home, I just couldnt stand it anymore, no tears just screams.
Im trying so hard to be this better person but these things make it so hard for me not to isolate myself. Things are going on and I cant even talk about it because so many of my family would look down on me for even thinking of applying for disability because Im young and I should magicially just be getting better. I look at it as asking for help which I was always told I needed to work on, but then you get judged just like I always assumed when I was growing up.
I talk to my husband who is supportive but just doesnt really get it, I tell him I am happy with him and my kid among other things, but it has nothing to do with how depressed/angry over what my present/past medical history keeps coming out to. I always hear, "everything will be ok." I am starting to say, "No it wont", back to him. Its harder to go on with this facade of Im ok when I have this hope that gets ripped away much too often.
These last parts may sound negative to some Im sure, but I want to point out that I dont sit in bed eating bon bons all day(even though I want to!) because Im in pain or depressed/angry. I get my ass up and take care of business...and some! We all have the right to bitch and moan about whats really going on because we deal with this daily and without talking it out we probably wouldnt survive it. Its like poison to the soul.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Pain, pain go away
Today is not a good pain day for me. I am trying to remain positive but sometimes when you have that pain to where it hurts but isnt super horrible but you know that it means it will be worse soon and theres nothing you can do about it... its hard to remain a breath of fresh air if ya know what I mean.
I am making all of these changes to myself which are good and I am glad I am doing them but the biggest thing I wish I could change is my pain, obviously! I feel like the other things I am changing would just easily fall into suit if I didnt have this pain.
For over 7 yrs I have been on birth control for Endo and recently was told by a doc that after being on it for 7 yrs the risk for stroke and heart attack go up even more than regular so I needed to decide whether to stay on it or not. Well... would I rather have more pain.. well no... but would you rather die uh thats a big NO! I still have so much to do and see in life! So I decided to get off of it, and now each month have this monster that is just getting more and more angry with me. These are the times when I think, well I know a Hysterectomy doesnt cure endo but if you cant be on continous birth control pills anymore wouldnt it be best to get one because periods contribute to this? I need to make an appt with my GYN and see whats going on, Im sure she will want ANOTHER lap. I went to more of a specialist for endo for my last surgery not my regular GYN and she said that I was in remission, yet couldnt tell me where the rest of my pain was coming from, mind you no one knows when it is back or not until doing another surgery and its been a year since I was told that and now off BCP just adds back to it Im sure.
Anywho---- today is painful and yucky. I want some relief. I feel like I could sleep for days at this point, if only I could!
I am making all of these changes to myself which are good and I am glad I am doing them but the biggest thing I wish I could change is my pain, obviously! I feel like the other things I am changing would just easily fall into suit if I didnt have this pain.
For over 7 yrs I have been on birth control for Endo and recently was told by a doc that after being on it for 7 yrs the risk for stroke and heart attack go up even more than regular so I needed to decide whether to stay on it or not. Well... would I rather have more pain.. well no... but would you rather die uh thats a big NO! I still have so much to do and see in life! So I decided to get off of it, and now each month have this monster that is just getting more and more angry with me. These are the times when I think, well I know a Hysterectomy doesnt cure endo but if you cant be on continous birth control pills anymore wouldnt it be best to get one because periods contribute to this? I need to make an appt with my GYN and see whats going on, Im sure she will want ANOTHER lap. I went to more of a specialist for endo for my last surgery not my regular GYN and she said that I was in remission, yet couldnt tell me where the rest of my pain was coming from, mind you no one knows when it is back or not until doing another surgery and its been a year since I was told that and now off BCP just adds back to it Im sure.
Anywho---- today is painful and yucky. I want some relief. I feel like I could sleep for days at this point, if only I could!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Ah, good ol' government
So not sure if I posted about this before but in fall of 2010 I finally gave in to applying for SS. I just couldnt take the fact that I cannot work anymore but cant do anything about it. I contributed to SS since I was of age to work so now that I am sick and in pain, I should be entitled to MY money that I put into the system!
Today, I got the denial letter. It has a nice way of making you feel like you SHOULD be doing more and COULD be right now. Gotta love that even though I am the one who lives in this body daily and know what the deal is. Plus its so weird to me how "their" gov't doctors look at your medical history, but dont even interview you and can just up and say that they dont agree that you cant work. I mean I already feel kind of crappy having to file in the first place, this is NOT the way I imagined my life to be. But when you get lemons you make lemonade, right?
So I called a friend who is on SS currently, and asked for the lawyers name. Im going to get on this. This year is a new year and I am conquering my own demons, getting healthy, and cannot be brought down. I mean especially since the gov't does nothing except receive money from the big pharmacy companies to say its ok to be on certain drugs and they are "safe" and to not make docs or anyone else tell you what the real deal behind it is.... considering that happened to me and is a huge reason I am in the predicament, I will say I really dont care that they had their doctors say I could work... because doctors are the ones who lied in the past. Bring it on man, bring it on....
Today, I got the denial letter. It has a nice way of making you feel like you SHOULD be doing more and COULD be right now. Gotta love that even though I am the one who lives in this body daily and know what the deal is. Plus its so weird to me how "their" gov't doctors look at your medical history, but dont even interview you and can just up and say that they dont agree that you cant work. I mean I already feel kind of crappy having to file in the first place, this is NOT the way I imagined my life to be. But when you get lemons you make lemonade, right?
So I called a friend who is on SS currently, and asked for the lawyers name. Im going to get on this. This year is a new year and I am conquering my own demons, getting healthy, and cannot be brought down. I mean especially since the gov't does nothing except receive money from the big pharmacy companies to say its ok to be on certain drugs and they are "safe" and to not make docs or anyone else tell you what the real deal behind it is.... considering that happened to me and is a huge reason I am in the predicament, I will say I really dont care that they had their doctors say I could work... because doctors are the ones who lied in the past. Bring it on man, bring it on....
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Changes, changes, beautiful changes
So obviously I have started that detox, that is some crazy stuff! I take a bath daily just for detox purposes and so far the best one where I can tell something is happening is the Apple Cider Vinegar one. I felt SO relaxed about to pass out right there, plus my muscles felt fantastic after!
As for the attitude change, not there yet. I guess its going to take some time. I havent said this to anyone I just post it here but I feel like this years startoff for a better attitude didnt start off well. I mean I had some drinks on new years eve and ended up in massive pain the next day, then the last couple days I have been having horrible "fibro" pain, thanks again Lupron! Just makes it hard to be positive, especially as I see my husband re-starting his workout regime(lost 65lbs last year and has maintained), there is no way I could do that and take care of my kid, I have to feel a bit less pain before I could do it so Im focusing on the nutrition.
The nutrition is going ok so far, I feel good about it. I have this weird aversion to meat and some dairy products the last couple years. So I figured why not go halfsies Vegetarian?! Sometimes I will still make meat if I have people over or for my husband but other than that I am fine with not eating it. Plus with many of those recipes you seem to really learn how to use those spices to make things taste better! I am trying to take a slow approach to this though, because as I have learned before if you jump into to it without any carbs or whatever... you fail because your body is in shock. You start off with some carbs(less than before) than slowly get lower and lower and then maintain the amount.
My brother who is in the military does Paleo. He has been teaching me lots about it and I try to incorporate Paleo principals into my diet, just kind of hard due to them eating lots of meat. We shall see what this weird veg-low carb-Paleo-raw-detox diet turns into as I go.
As for the attitude change, not there yet. I guess its going to take some time. I havent said this to anyone I just post it here but I feel like this years startoff for a better attitude didnt start off well. I mean I had some drinks on new years eve and ended up in massive pain the next day, then the last couple days I have been having horrible "fibro" pain, thanks again Lupron! Just makes it hard to be positive, especially as I see my husband re-starting his workout regime(lost 65lbs last year and has maintained), there is no way I could do that and take care of my kid, I have to feel a bit less pain before I could do it so Im focusing on the nutrition.
The nutrition is going ok so far, I feel good about it. I have this weird aversion to meat and some dairy products the last couple years. So I figured why not go halfsies Vegetarian?! Sometimes I will still make meat if I have people over or for my husband but other than that I am fine with not eating it. Plus with many of those recipes you seem to really learn how to use those spices to make things taste better! I am trying to take a slow approach to this though, because as I have learned before if you jump into to it without any carbs or whatever... you fail because your body is in shock. You start off with some carbs(less than before) than slowly get lower and lower and then maintain the amount.
My brother who is in the military does Paleo. He has been teaching me lots about it and I try to incorporate Paleo principals into my diet, just kind of hard due to them eating lots of meat. We shall see what this weird veg-low carb-Paleo-raw-detox diet turns into as I go.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Its again, a new year
So its officially 2011 now and I hope Maya calendar is wrong otherwise we all only have until next year til the end of the world because I have much more to do that just a years worth of things.
As I have said before I am starting this detox thing tomorrow. I am so looking forward to it, we are going to go to some natural food stores and to grocery stores that actually carry healthier things. But since we had little hor d'oeuvres last night, Im not going to waste food and just throw it out so today is the last day of unhealthy food. If I only have healthy food around the theory is that I should only be eating healthy, right?
I did get some liquor yesterday because there were 2 drinks I really wanted to try making especially since I am going to do detoxifying soon. The drinks were super yummy but the bottles are so big even the small ones that I bought, so now I am trying to figure out what I want to do with those... think I may keep them for a party or something.
Considering I had more than 1 drink last night, I ended up waking at 5am to extreme stomach pain as usual... so that was amazing. I mustve gotten the good booze because I dont feel like I have a hangover I just feel a little more painful than normal and didnt get much sleep.
I am just really looking forward to this year, I know everyone does new years resolutions each year or say they are going to change things or whatever but I really dont. When I have ever made a resolution its about something stupid and its half-heartedly. This year I just feel it in my soul.
I feel like even with my circumstances with fibro brought on by Lupron, my Endo that is or is NOT in remission, weird IBS pain, dysfunctional pelvic floor muscles, arthritis in my spine,etc... I feel like I can do this. I feel like I know what I need to do, as far as I know with all my research I have the tools I need to do the job and make some changes. In my attitude and body. I want to try and ask for support when I need it or call people out when they are being jerks on purpose or act negatively about my situation... I just need to be zen... for me and my family.
As I have said before I am starting this detox thing tomorrow. I am so looking forward to it, we are going to go to some natural food stores and to grocery stores that actually carry healthier things. But since we had little hor d'oeuvres last night, Im not going to waste food and just throw it out so today is the last day of unhealthy food. If I only have healthy food around the theory is that I should only be eating healthy, right?
I did get some liquor yesterday because there were 2 drinks I really wanted to try making especially since I am going to do detoxifying soon. The drinks were super yummy but the bottles are so big even the small ones that I bought, so now I am trying to figure out what I want to do with those... think I may keep them for a party or something.
Considering I had more than 1 drink last night, I ended up waking at 5am to extreme stomach pain as usual... so that was amazing. I mustve gotten the good booze because I dont feel like I have a hangover I just feel a little more painful than normal and didnt get much sleep.
I am just really looking forward to this year, I know everyone does new years resolutions each year or say they are going to change things or whatever but I really dont. When I have ever made a resolution its about something stupid and its half-heartedly. This year I just feel it in my soul.
I feel like even with my circumstances with fibro brought on by Lupron, my Endo that is or is NOT in remission, weird IBS pain, dysfunctional pelvic floor muscles, arthritis in my spine,etc... I feel like I can do this. I feel like I know what I need to do, as far as I know with all my research I have the tools I need to do the job and make some changes. In my attitude and body. I want to try and ask for support when I need it or call people out when they are being jerks on purpose or act negatively about my situation... I just need to be zen... for me and my family.
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