I am still barely here. I am wondering when I wont be sad anymore. This seems like a long rut. Usually its like a couple REALLY bad days but the rest are manageable. Right now its still pretty bad.
Please Pray for good days...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Willy Wonka, Old school
So to try and lift me out of this horrible "funk" as I like to call it. I saw Willy Wonka was on TV, and so I watched it and it was memorizing in parts. I felt like a kid watching it but during some parts I couldn't stop thinking like the sarcastic chick I am. Then I was laughing because of all of these crazy things, and how much the world has changed since this movie was made.
ONE- At the beginning when you see the mom working her ass off and barely scrapping by while the grandparents are all in one bed, clearly not able to help out due to their physical illnesses. Then soon you see Charlie get the golden ticket and all of the sudden Grandpa Joe is jumping out of bed and in no less than a minute of "getting his walk on" he is dancing around. I got to thinking... if I were the mom, I would have been PISSED! Been busting her ass and thought no one could help her and clearly Grandpa Joe was just being lazy.
TWO- When they are at the chocolate river and Augustus decides to drink it. He falls in... does anyone know how to swim or think of saving a child??? WTH?! The ONLY person who tries to do anything is Charlie... a child himself.
THREE- There were a couple different scenes where I thought to myself... when is one of the adults going to say "What the fuck" to Willy Wonka. The first scene I can think of is when Augustus is in the tube and he says he hopes the pressure will last... what a freak. The other one is in the tunnel and all the lights are trippy and he starts singing his creepy song. Seriously...
FOUR- Why don't people use "old" insults anymore, like Twit or Nitwit??? Love 'em!
FIVE- I found just by listening to the songs of the Oompa Loompa's you really are set with life lessons. Take a listen if you like, they are all there on the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spKeBgEub6s
ONE- At the beginning when you see the mom working her ass off and barely scrapping by while the grandparents are all in one bed, clearly not able to help out due to their physical illnesses. Then soon you see Charlie get the golden ticket and all of the sudden Grandpa Joe is jumping out of bed and in no less than a minute of "getting his walk on" he is dancing around. I got to thinking... if I were the mom, I would have been PISSED! Been busting her ass and thought no one could help her and clearly Grandpa Joe was just being lazy.
TWO- When they are at the chocolate river and Augustus decides to drink it. He falls in... does anyone know how to swim or think of saving a child??? WTH?! The ONLY person who tries to do anything is Charlie... a child himself.
THREE- There were a couple different scenes where I thought to myself... when is one of the adults going to say "What the fuck" to Willy Wonka. The first scene I can think of is when Augustus is in the tube and he says he hopes the pressure will last... what a freak. The other one is in the tunnel and all the lights are trippy and he starts singing his creepy song. Seriously...
FOUR- Why don't people use "old" insults anymore, like Twit or Nitwit??? Love 'em!
FIVE- I found just by listening to the songs of the Oompa Loompa's you really are set with life lessons. Take a listen if you like, they are all there on the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spKeBgEub6s
Fertility health problems arise again...
I hope I don't sound selfish in this I just need to get it all out.
I do realize I have a child, obviously, I love her more than anything. I always knew I would have 2 kids and maybe even a dog. I remember as a child I would tell my great grandma that I would going to have 20 kids! Obviously, as I grew older my number got smaller and smaller.
Then I found out I had Endometriosis, I was told I had moderate case when I was dx'd but then I kept having surgeries and eventually was conned into Lupron. Like Ive posted before, then all of a sudden it was full body pain, headaches, etc and no relief from endo pain either. My endo was supposed to be in remission but since I was told that I had been on continuous birth control pill's for so long that my risk of the serious, deadly side effects were going up and advised to get off of them. So I did, about 5-6 months ago, I had taken breaks from it to have a period here or there previously but nothing like this.
Now, I have been having the Oh to familiar endo pain feelings, so I am pretty sure its back. My only option is surgery as usual, even then its not effective for that long or they keep looking for other things that have to be causing that pain due to the other treatments not being that effective.
After my 2nd or 3rd(lost track) surgery, I was engaged and told that they weren't sure if we would be able to have kids if we waited too much longer. Given, I was in college at the time, struggling with pain from lupron and endo. We decided to push up our wedding date to within a year of the engagement instead of 2+years so that we could start trying right away. What a great guy, I'm sure he was terrified. It took us longer than we had expected but since we had started early enough, I ended up being a tidbit pregnant by the time the wedding rolled around, which was great and we were so blessed. I was kind of crazy about it because I knew what I wanted, I charted my ovulation, the whole thing!
We were going to get a dog recently and I even had one for the afternoon, kind of a trial type thing. One, the people had saved this dog from certain death(it was their personal dog but they run a rescue) so I felt like I was ripping them apart if I took it and two, I realized I cannot do it. I mean, I have a hard enough time taking care of my child plus my health and then to deal with her messing around with a dog.
It brought me to this realization of... I will never be able to have my 2nd child(or even a dog as a replacement) in 2 different ways, my endometriosis is a very real possibility because of things over the last couple of years with it, and that I am in so much fucking unreal pain I can barely stand it. But I cannot even take the risk of trying to get pregnant because if I did, I know it would be too much.
To some people I know this sounds selfish, I used to think so too when I heard people talk about it being hard that they couldn't have a 2nd or 3rd kid. But to me, the pain is still the same as when I was originally trying to get pregnant the first time.... I didn't know I had not gotten over this dream of mine. I thought I had already convinced myself that we would only have our one child because I am in too much pain and I have endo so who knows, why mess with it? I guess, I want it really badly.
I also know I can try IF(and that's a big fucking IF) I ever feel better for an extended period of time, that I could try then(who knows how old I would be, 80?!).... but my thing with that is everyone in my family who has 2 kids who are 5 or more years apart(like me and my brother) are not close, they end up hating each other, big feuds. So this is my window currently, and its slowly slipping away... because I'm in too much pain and my endo.
Last night I had that deep deep sadness feeling... maybe this is why. Maybe it just took the whole dog replacement child idea to make me realize how sad this makes me. I hope this isn't too offensive to anyone because I know and acknowledge so many of you are trying to have kids. I really do understand it.... I just don't know how to feel better or explain it to people. They look at me like I'm nuts(normals do anyways) when I say how I cant have anymore kids because I'm in too much pain and cant handle it... if I just say we cant have anymore due to fertility issues and leave it at that then they leave me alone.
Its just lonely.
I do realize I have a child, obviously, I love her more than anything. I always knew I would have 2 kids and maybe even a dog. I remember as a child I would tell my great grandma that I would going to have 20 kids! Obviously, as I grew older my number got smaller and smaller.
Then I found out I had Endometriosis, I was told I had moderate case when I was dx'd but then I kept having surgeries and eventually was conned into Lupron. Like Ive posted before, then all of a sudden it was full body pain, headaches, etc and no relief from endo pain either. My endo was supposed to be in remission but since I was told that I had been on continuous birth control pill's for so long that my risk of the serious, deadly side effects were going up and advised to get off of them. So I did, about 5-6 months ago, I had taken breaks from it to have a period here or there previously but nothing like this.
Now, I have been having the Oh to familiar endo pain feelings, so I am pretty sure its back. My only option is surgery as usual, even then its not effective for that long or they keep looking for other things that have to be causing that pain due to the other treatments not being that effective.
After my 2nd or 3rd(lost track) surgery, I was engaged and told that they weren't sure if we would be able to have kids if we waited too much longer. Given, I was in college at the time, struggling with pain from lupron and endo. We decided to push up our wedding date to within a year of the engagement instead of 2+years so that we could start trying right away. What a great guy, I'm sure he was terrified. It took us longer than we had expected but since we had started early enough, I ended up being a tidbit pregnant by the time the wedding rolled around, which was great and we were so blessed. I was kind of crazy about it because I knew what I wanted, I charted my ovulation, the whole thing!
We were going to get a dog recently and I even had one for the afternoon, kind of a trial type thing. One, the people had saved this dog from certain death(it was their personal dog but they run a rescue) so I felt like I was ripping them apart if I took it and two, I realized I cannot do it. I mean, I have a hard enough time taking care of my child plus my health and then to deal with her messing around with a dog.
It brought me to this realization of... I will never be able to have my 2nd child(or even a dog as a replacement) in 2 different ways, my endometriosis is a very real possibility because of things over the last couple of years with it, and that I am in so much fucking unreal pain I can barely stand it. But I cannot even take the risk of trying to get pregnant because if I did, I know it would be too much.
To some people I know this sounds selfish, I used to think so too when I heard people talk about it being hard that they couldn't have a 2nd or 3rd kid. But to me, the pain is still the same as when I was originally trying to get pregnant the first time.... I didn't know I had not gotten over this dream of mine. I thought I had already convinced myself that we would only have our one child because I am in too much pain and I have endo so who knows, why mess with it? I guess, I want it really badly.
I also know I can try IF(and that's a big fucking IF) I ever feel better for an extended period of time, that I could try then(who knows how old I would be, 80?!).... but my thing with that is everyone in my family who has 2 kids who are 5 or more years apart(like me and my brother) are not close, they end up hating each other, big feuds. So this is my window currently, and its slowly slipping away... because I'm in too much pain and my endo.
Last night I had that deep deep sadness feeling... maybe this is why. Maybe it just took the whole dog replacement child idea to make me realize how sad this makes me. I hope this isn't too offensive to anyone because I know and acknowledge so many of you are trying to have kids. I really do understand it.... I just don't know how to feel better or explain it to people. They look at me like I'm nuts(normals do anyways) when I say how I cant have anymore kids because I'm in too much pain and cant handle it... if I just say we cant have anymore due to fertility issues and leave it at that then they leave me alone.
Its just lonely.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Down and out
I am not feeling my usual spunky self. I am letting my pain conditions get to me.
I went to the dentist today and had to have something done, and while I was there I asked about things I can do for my TMJ since my insurance isn't answering them about a night guard for grinding. Pretty much nothing.... ok. I will probably end up going to the store and buying one of those ridiculously large ones. Its just a reminder to me how messed up my body has gotten since being on Lupron. Before that drug, I had Endo pain(and still do, probably worse) but that was it, I didn't have TMJ, chronic headaches, CFS, or Fibromyalgia. I didn't have this body that I have now... I am learning to embrace it but its hard when everyone else around you is losing weight with diets or walking and while I HAVE been doing that for much longer, there are no damn results. Some people assume that its not the drug which peeves me even more because I know who I was and what was going on up until being on it. Especially since I have talked to hundreds of other women who have the same exact issues within the same guidelines.
I find myself today getting depressed easily. I told hubby that I felt like crying but didn't know why, just felt a deep deep profound sadness within.... and such a nice guy... he called me(then his phone died), even so very nice. I have read other blogs about health issues tonight about bad things which of course remind me of my fight and how long and drug out it is, and reading how other people don't know how much more they can take... its hard to know what to say because I feel the exact same way... I don't know the answer. Then I read the positive ones about chronic pain as well, even those tonight make me sad because I think of WHY, why do we have to fight?! Why is it so hard for us? Cant we catch a break? How long are we supposed to keep up a facade that everything will be fine, when we don't know if it will be.
I'm overly emotional, I know. I see it, I cannot rationalize it... but I keep coming back to it. I want to call my mom and cry.... and ask when its going to get better. Yet I don't, because I know what it will be. "You have such a good life, you JUST need to lose weight and you'll feel better, go use a heating pad, that's all you can do." I don't know what I want from people when I am upset, I just know its not that. I think I just want to reinforcement of, yes this sucks, yes this isn't fair, BUT I am here for you even if we don't say anything to each other I will be a shoulder to cry on.
I feel like I have been that for other people... I keep waiting...expecting my turn for someone to my crying shoulder person. Ugh...
Waiting for my biopsy results still. I was always told no news from a doctors office is good news but in this case he is the only one to read the result so it could be something and I would just not know it because he is out of town. I'm sure everything is fine with the biopsies though, that is the one thing I bet is just fine and was probably not needed.... ha ha.... ugh.
Dammit.
I went to the dentist today and had to have something done, and while I was there I asked about things I can do for my TMJ since my insurance isn't answering them about a night guard for grinding. Pretty much nothing.... ok. I will probably end up going to the store and buying one of those ridiculously large ones. Its just a reminder to me how messed up my body has gotten since being on Lupron. Before that drug, I had Endo pain(and still do, probably worse) but that was it, I didn't have TMJ, chronic headaches, CFS, or Fibromyalgia. I didn't have this body that I have now... I am learning to embrace it but its hard when everyone else around you is losing weight with diets or walking and while I HAVE been doing that for much longer, there are no damn results. Some people assume that its not the drug which peeves me even more because I know who I was and what was going on up until being on it. Especially since I have talked to hundreds of other women who have the same exact issues within the same guidelines.
I find myself today getting depressed easily. I told hubby that I felt like crying but didn't know why, just felt a deep deep profound sadness within.... and such a nice guy... he called me(then his phone died), even so very nice. I have read other blogs about health issues tonight about bad things which of course remind me of my fight and how long and drug out it is, and reading how other people don't know how much more they can take... its hard to know what to say because I feel the exact same way... I don't know the answer. Then I read the positive ones about chronic pain as well, even those tonight make me sad because I think of WHY, why do we have to fight?! Why is it so hard for us? Cant we catch a break? How long are we supposed to keep up a facade that everything will be fine, when we don't know if it will be.
I'm overly emotional, I know. I see it, I cannot rationalize it... but I keep coming back to it. I want to call my mom and cry.... and ask when its going to get better. Yet I don't, because I know what it will be. "You have such a good life, you JUST need to lose weight and you'll feel better, go use a heating pad, that's all you can do." I don't know what I want from people when I am upset, I just know its not that. I think I just want to reinforcement of, yes this sucks, yes this isn't fair, BUT I am here for you even if we don't say anything to each other I will be a shoulder to cry on.
I feel like I have been that for other people... I keep waiting...expecting my turn for someone to my crying shoulder person. Ugh...
Waiting for my biopsy results still. I was always told no news from a doctors office is good news but in this case he is the only one to read the result so it could be something and I would just not know it because he is out of town. I'm sure everything is fine with the biopsies though, that is the one thing I bet is just fine and was probably not needed.... ha ha.... ugh.
Dammit.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Adventure...Oh boy!
I had thought this whole mattress thing would be a great adventure for my husband and I. Plus my mom was willing to watch LO. Long story short, we bought a mattress at a place that is now closed, the mattress is Sealy, we have a 10yr warranty. There are 100's of other stores that sell Sealy but they have to make it really tough when your bed is all messed up. We have lumps/bumps and sag all over this thing and its only been 4 yrs! You have to take pictures of all the things wrong with it, pictures of your bed frame to show you are not misusing the bed set, tags,etc. Its insane but that's fine just give me my new bed that doesn't suck.
Nope. The closest Sealy factory is a state away. Awesome. That is where you HAVE to go if you want to pick it up yourself. Or they can ship it to you for a nice price, yeah right! Why would I pay for that if I have already paid for a warranty... shouldn't that cover the shipping price?
So I dropped off LO and picked up my dad's truck and came home to wait for hubby. Mind you this is no regular truck. It has this squealing that for some reason just doesn't go away, its not that old an doesn't look bad from the outside but its had this issue for a while. Its their crappy truck that they keep so they can haul stuff, that is pretty much it.
First, I decided to lock the doors of the truck to be nice and not get it broken into or something in my driveway. Then I remembered I needed my cell phone to find the keyhole to my front door since we didn't leave the outside lights on which I had nicely left in the locked truck. Oh.. and its raining like crazy and I am in a t-shirt since with my dad's truck heater its hot or nothing. He had told me earlier that the door locks have to be jiggled a bit. Well I jiggled, I grabbed, yanked, yelled, almost even cried! You get the point. I was standing out in the rain trying to get in. Finally, I gave up and figured out how to get into my house. Then called and asked him what the heck is with those locks!?
The next morning, hubby and I headed for the next state. It started off fine, we turned on the music kind of loud to try and drown out the squealing. I had put on all my nice makeup and did my hair super amazing with hot rollers.... I had joked with hubbs that maybe I could get us an upgrade of a mattress since I looked so good! Anyways, SO many crazy drivers you really had to be on your game. We stopped for food, which you have to turn the truck off for even in a drive-thru because its so freakin loud.
We get to Sealy. WE MADE IT! Victory! The front desk chick tells us to go out to the right. We do. Drive all around to the right side and wait. A guy who works at the loading dock says, go out to the left other side... alright so we do. He comes out loads the mattress with hubbs. Then we spend the next 1/2hour or so trying to tie down a king size mattress into a small Ford ranger bed. Amazing.
On our way back, even more crazy drivers. Its backed up so I'm glad we left when we did otherwise we would've hit that mess! Eventually, I ask hubbs..."Is the squealing starting to sound like crickets at night?... or am I starting to go mad?" He said I was going mad. Figures. But down the road a couple hours back to our house, he says he hears it too. So at least Ive got company in my madness. Then since I have a bladder the size of a pea we had to stop at a rest stop, turned the truck off... and OMG.... are my ears bleeding?! No... they just actually hurt from all that sound. Never again. While I appreciate it, I think I would only borrow it for short jaunts, 1 hour tops.
But we got our new mattress, yay! Still covered for another 6 yrs under warranty. The new bed is amazing so far! We shall see how long it lasts!
The whole time going there, my back/neck was acting up so I barely wanted to talk, it was excruciating. By the time we got to my parents house, I had put my hair up in a ponytail and rubbed all of my makeup off because I just didn't care at that point I was in so much pain. At least I had started the day off trying to look good, the theory doesn't always work I suppose!
Nope. The closest Sealy factory is a state away. Awesome. That is where you HAVE to go if you want to pick it up yourself. Or they can ship it to you for a nice price, yeah right! Why would I pay for that if I have already paid for a warranty... shouldn't that cover the shipping price?
So I dropped off LO and picked up my dad's truck and came home to wait for hubby. Mind you this is no regular truck. It has this squealing that for some reason just doesn't go away, its not that old an doesn't look bad from the outside but its had this issue for a while. Its their crappy truck that they keep so they can haul stuff, that is pretty much it.
First, I decided to lock the doors of the truck to be nice and not get it broken into or something in my driveway. Then I remembered I needed my cell phone to find the keyhole to my front door since we didn't leave the outside lights on which I had nicely left in the locked truck. Oh.. and its raining like crazy and I am in a t-shirt since with my dad's truck heater its hot or nothing. He had told me earlier that the door locks have to be jiggled a bit. Well I jiggled, I grabbed, yanked, yelled, almost even cried! You get the point. I was standing out in the rain trying to get in. Finally, I gave up and figured out how to get into my house. Then called and asked him what the heck is with those locks!?
The next morning, hubby and I headed for the next state. It started off fine, we turned on the music kind of loud to try and drown out the squealing. I had put on all my nice makeup and did my hair super amazing with hot rollers.... I had joked with hubbs that maybe I could get us an upgrade of a mattress since I looked so good! Anyways, SO many crazy drivers you really had to be on your game. We stopped for food, which you have to turn the truck off for even in a drive-thru because its so freakin loud.
We get to Sealy. WE MADE IT! Victory! The front desk chick tells us to go out to the right. We do. Drive all around to the right side and wait. A guy who works at the loading dock says, go out to the left other side... alright so we do. He comes out loads the mattress with hubbs. Then we spend the next 1/2hour or so trying to tie down a king size mattress into a small Ford ranger bed. Amazing.
On our way back, even more crazy drivers. Its backed up so I'm glad we left when we did otherwise we would've hit that mess! Eventually, I ask hubbs..."Is the squealing starting to sound like crickets at night?... or am I starting to go mad?" He said I was going mad. Figures. But down the road a couple hours back to our house, he says he hears it too. So at least Ive got company in my madness. Then since I have a bladder the size of a pea we had to stop at a rest stop, turned the truck off... and OMG.... are my ears bleeding?! No... they just actually hurt from all that sound. Never again. While I appreciate it, I think I would only borrow it for short jaunts, 1 hour tops.
 |
| Exactly... |
But we got our new mattress, yay! Still covered for another 6 yrs under warranty. The new bed is amazing so far! We shall see how long it lasts!
The whole time going there, my back/neck was acting up so I barely wanted to talk, it was excruciating. By the time we got to my parents house, I had put my hair up in a ponytail and rubbed all of my makeup off because I just didn't care at that point I was in so much pain. At least I had started the day off trying to look good, the theory doesn't always work I suppose!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Cut out...
I have been having issues with my brother B for a while as I have posted. Last night he asked for information that I did not have and even if I did I would not give, that is not who I am. So... he said he was cutting me out of his life(which includes my LO, he never made an effort with her anyways). The only difference now is its been said that we are done, instead of just him not returning my phone calls or ignoring my whole family altogether. His Nosey Mistress was involved of course too. I just told him if it is that easy for you to cut me out of your life than at least I know the truth now. To which he started saying crazy things and spouting off about how everything is my fault and how he does no wrong. Oh well. I said God bless you and left it at that.(by the way all of this went down via text message which is truly ridiculous) Went to check my email account stuff and saw on FB I had lost a friend... wondering who it was I saw Mistress Nosey had de-friended me. Oh well...clearly she was involved... and now this morning my brother B de-friended me too.
That's when you know you've been jilted, when you get de-friended on FB....how dramatic!
I am a human, it does hurt. But things really wont be any different oddly enough. He hasn't been around unless he wanted something. I have a family of my own with our own set of issues, I am going to live my life and keep doing what I am doing.
That's when you know you've been jilted, when you get de-friended on FB....how dramatic!
 |
| Yep, this says it all |
I am a human, it does hurt. But things really wont be any different oddly enough. He hasn't been around unless he wanted something. I have a family of my own with our own set of issues, I am going to live my life and keep doing what I am doing.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Biopsy...Schmi-opsy!
I did the biopsy today! It was crazy out though, on the way there this lady totally cut me off and then changed lanes... then cut back in front of me again and started break checking me after I had so nicely moved over so she could merge onto the freeway... ah life! Then after the appointment it was still crazy on the road, I swear people were changing lanes 3-5 people at a time all at once. Half of them didn't use their blinkers so they almost ended up hitting each other... glad I was far back!
The appt itself went ok. The nurse who checked me in, told me I would have stitches, which I wasn't told before this... I don't know how I thought it would heal but I guess it didn't think the biopsies were going to be THAT deep. Of course they weren't going to be dissolve-able stitches, I have to go back in 2 wks and get them taken out. The injections were painful at first on certain areas but after I was numb it was cake from there. But I did find it odd that in my 1st appt I had with the dermo when I was referred, he had said he wanted to make a different appt to do my 4 biopsies because he was going to be out of town and 2 of the 4 biopsies are on each foot in odd places(making it easy for them to get infected). Then at the end of getting all my biopsies he tells me he will be out of town next week while I am healing... so to me that comes off like he just wanted me to pay for another appt. With him being gone next week, I also wont get my results until after he is back which is not very cool since I would like to know that everything is 100% good.
I wish I would've had hubby drive me though but the receptionist I had asked to confirm that I didn't need him to said it shouldn't be a big deal... even with me having a biopsy in each foot. But then I had to go to the pharmacy afterward to get more band aids and stuff to clean the stitches... so I was limping around like a fool and barely able to move my neck. My neck one is driving me crazy... I tried to clean it tonight while hubby was gone and it was near impossible. I cant see the back of my neck without doing a 2 mirror trick which only leaves me with 1 hand to clean and band aid afterwards. Then, I must've gotten the wrong band aids because it kept slipping right off but you HAVE to keep them on it so I was getting so frustrated, plus you have to make sure its not a bit off to where the sticky part will go over the stitch because then you can tear it out... great.
Again, my back is hurting. My pelvic pain is annoying, comes and goes. I had gluten today.... I knew it as I was eating it but it was what we picked up for lunch and I didn't want to run all around or have to stand and make something GF since I didn't feel good. Plus my mentality was that since I already am in pain today... whats the difference?! There is, but I am the one who has to suffer the consequences. I think it depends on what the particular item is though too, because I am not feeling totally wretched but I can tell I shouldn't have done it.
I hope I can sleep ok tonight, and hoping my bandages don't come off.
The appt itself went ok. The nurse who checked me in, told me I would have stitches, which I wasn't told before this... I don't know how I thought it would heal but I guess it didn't think the biopsies were going to be THAT deep. Of course they weren't going to be dissolve-able stitches, I have to go back in 2 wks and get them taken out. The injections were painful at first on certain areas but after I was numb it was cake from there. But I did find it odd that in my 1st appt I had with the dermo when I was referred, he had said he wanted to make a different appt to do my 4 biopsies because he was going to be out of town and 2 of the 4 biopsies are on each foot in odd places(making it easy for them to get infected). Then at the end of getting all my biopsies he tells me he will be out of town next week while I am healing... so to me that comes off like he just wanted me to pay for another appt. With him being gone next week, I also wont get my results until after he is back which is not very cool since I would like to know that everything is 100% good.
I wish I would've had hubby drive me though but the receptionist I had asked to confirm that I didn't need him to said it shouldn't be a big deal... even with me having a biopsy in each foot. But then I had to go to the pharmacy afterward to get more band aids and stuff to clean the stitches... so I was limping around like a fool and barely able to move my neck. My neck one is driving me crazy... I tried to clean it tonight while hubby was gone and it was near impossible. I cant see the back of my neck without doing a 2 mirror trick which only leaves me with 1 hand to clean and band aid afterwards. Then, I must've gotten the wrong band aids because it kept slipping right off but you HAVE to keep them on it so I was getting so frustrated, plus you have to make sure its not a bit off to where the sticky part will go over the stitch because then you can tear it out... great.
 |
| Just slap a band-aid on it, and everything will be fine! |
Again, my back is hurting. My pelvic pain is annoying, comes and goes. I had gluten today.... I knew it as I was eating it but it was what we picked up for lunch and I didn't want to run all around or have to stand and make something GF since I didn't feel good. Plus my mentality was that since I already am in pain today... whats the difference?! There is, but I am the one who has to suffer the consequences. I think it depends on what the particular item is though too, because I am not feeling totally wretched but I can tell I shouldn't have done it.
I hope I can sleep ok tonight, and hoping my bandages don't come off.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Back to being me
I will admit I have been posting more so about my about family drama lately, and apologize for taking up all of your time with mindless chatter during certain times. I have had a really hard time just letting things go. My problem is, I get used to not having certain folks in my life for months/years then... all of the sudden they are back and bringing all their baggage along. Its hard for me to separate myself once they are back, I don't know why because many people I don't really care whether I am around them or not, and some even cause me physical pain with all of their stress.
So... I am getting back to being myself. I am taking long, deep, soothing breaths. I am listening to calm music if I am overwhelmed. I vent to my hubby if I feel like I just cannot get thoughts out of my head without talking about it. I need to be more Zen again. I like when I am that carefree chick who just has my own set of issues(mainly health) to focus on, because for anyone... that is enough to worry about! I need to come off to other people as if I don't care(even if something is currently irritating me) because I feel like eventually my own "its cool" attitude wears off on myself.
So far I haven't made myself all cutesy today because I feel like hell. I did make a new cupcake recipe yesterday(GF of course!) and the cupcake itself is not what I was looking for... the consistency is all wrong. That rubbed me the wrong way, because you spend a decent amount of money on GF flour/etc and then it goes wrong...plus I have this attitude when cooking of "how could it have gone wrong?! I am a great baker/cook!" The little bit of perfectionist that I am, is all about how I cook/bake for others and I love to bask in their compliments. I made up for it in a simple fruit jello salad thing, and some taco dip... very simple but all the easier not to mess up on! I made dinner tonight and had Hobo Dinner, its a favorite of mine which I keep coming back to when I don't know what else to make.
I am sick of being in pain today, rather negative energy happening right now but I think its because of my nervousness for tomorrow's biopsy. In one instance, because I have been dealing with pain/health problems for far too long for my age I almost hope they find something so they can remove it, treat it, and I can finally feel good again. BUT at the same time I am scared they will find something too serious and I don't want to die or anything. Not sure if that sounds odd... but that's just how I am feeling right now.
So... I am getting back to being myself. I am taking long, deep, soothing breaths. I am listening to calm music if I am overwhelmed. I vent to my hubby if I feel like I just cannot get thoughts out of my head without talking about it. I need to be more Zen again. I like when I am that carefree chick who just has my own set of issues(mainly health) to focus on, because for anyone... that is enough to worry about! I need to come off to other people as if I don't care(even if something is currently irritating me) because I feel like eventually my own "its cool" attitude wears off on myself.
So far I haven't made myself all cutesy today because I feel like hell. I did make a new cupcake recipe yesterday(GF of course!) and the cupcake itself is not what I was looking for... the consistency is all wrong. That rubbed me the wrong way, because you spend a decent amount of money on GF flour/etc and then it goes wrong...plus I have this attitude when cooking of "how could it have gone wrong?! I am a great baker/cook!" The little bit of perfectionist that I am, is all about how I cook/bake for others and I love to bask in their compliments. I made up for it in a simple fruit jello salad thing, and some taco dip... very simple but all the easier not to mess up on! I made dinner tonight and had Hobo Dinner, its a favorite of mine which I keep coming back to when I don't know what else to make.
I am sick of being in pain today, rather negative energy happening right now but I think its because of my nervousness for tomorrow's biopsy. In one instance, because I have been dealing with pain/health problems for far too long for my age I almost hope they find something so they can remove it, treat it, and I can finally feel good again. BUT at the same time I am scared they will find something too serious and I don't want to die or anything. Not sure if that sounds odd... but that's just how I am feeling right now.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Bit*hes, Bit*hes everywhere!!
Today is not a good day, even with doing my hair up I still was mentally done with. This is a resting point for me, probably will be this whole week. Tuesday I have my re-scheduled mole biopsies. 1) I am nervous because they put a frickin needle in you(and I have 4 biopsies to be taken) and 2) last time I went to go to this appt I got into an accident, I am kind of superstitious like that I guess.
Got into a small tiff with my husband today, which led to me throwing his cookie he had just bought at him, then it fell down in between the seat of my car to where I could not get it out once I felt bad. Normally, I am NOT this person who just freaks out over something stupid like it was. But everything except my marriage is not all fucking rainbows and lollipops...
I just cannot handle anymore, its like everywhere I turn there are bitches, ones who have screwed me over and I don't trust or ones currently trying to screw me over(with the exception of a few people). I like to give everyone the benefit of a doubt and if I have issues with them, I tell it straight up because I always tell people I expect the same. I am not one of those girls who gets mad and wont tell you why or just stops talking to you randomly, but I also do not flip out when I am telling you whats wrong. I say what I feel I need to say, and if you disagree, I drop it and don't bring it up but then I know whats what as far as I stand with you.
It seems as though the "normals" in my life whine about little things and they cannot barely handle regular life without major stresses. But my friends(and myself) with chronic pain conditions and lots of stresses besides it in life, keep taking more on until we physically and mentally just break for a while. We really need to take care of ourselves, and I am going to try to keep that in mind this week with everything being so crazy. I just wish I could make things better for some of the people in my life, some of them are such great people that deserve so much better... yet some of them don't even see that or are in situations where they cant do anything about it. If only pain wasn't directly linked with uncontrollable stress... oh how grand that would be!
Got into a small tiff with my husband today, which led to me throwing his cookie he had just bought at him, then it fell down in between the seat of my car to where I could not get it out once I felt bad. Normally, I am NOT this person who just freaks out over something stupid like it was. But everything except my marriage is not all fucking rainbows and lollipops...
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| If only it was this easy... |
I just cannot handle anymore, its like everywhere I turn there are bitches, ones who have screwed me over and I don't trust or ones currently trying to screw me over(with the exception of a few people). I like to give everyone the benefit of a doubt and if I have issues with them, I tell it straight up because I always tell people I expect the same. I am not one of those girls who gets mad and wont tell you why or just stops talking to you randomly, but I also do not flip out when I am telling you whats wrong. I say what I feel I need to say, and if you disagree, I drop it and don't bring it up but then I know whats what as far as I stand with you.
It seems as though the "normals" in my life whine about little things and they cannot barely handle regular life without major stresses. But my friends(and myself) with chronic pain conditions and lots of stresses besides it in life, keep taking more on until we physically and mentally just break for a while. We really need to take care of ourselves, and I am going to try to keep that in mind this week with everything being so crazy. I just wish I could make things better for some of the people in my life, some of them are such great people that deserve so much better... yet some of them don't even see that or are in situations where they cant do anything about it. If only pain wasn't directly linked with uncontrollable stress... oh how grand that would be!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
How the world just keeps turnin'
OH the humanity!!!!
I have been in pain today and being me as usual... I forgot that hubby had the day off and was going to be driving so I could have taken some meds. But since I didn't realize that until we were gone and it was hours into my screaming back pain, it was definitely to late. We drove up to the big city about 2 hours away and saw his grandfather in the hospital, his lame mom of course didn't give us the address or say if he was at the hospital or the medical center(with the same name).... so we ended up driving off course by like 1/2-1hr. Got stuck in traffic making our way back to the right location, and I was in pain/irritated. We got there and I sort of thought my husband would like a minute alone with his grandpa, and his mom just didn't pick up the clues. Even when I asked her to show me where we could get something to drink, then all of the sudden she was leaving and it was implied we should leave to. We paid for 2 hrs for parking(pricey) and we had only been there 1/2hr, and spent 2-3hours driving up there(and getting lost). I told hubby he can go again if he wants because he works in the big city anyhow, but for me and LO its too much for us for such a short visit. As for me, I will wait until he comes home(about a week) and come check on him/call to make sure things are ok or if he needs anything.
I will say my hair turned out splendidly! I was very excited! I wish my hair was a little longer but I'm trying to grow it as fast as I can. Yesterday I talked to M and she was again choosing decisions with B over me, what a shocker. But at least we did agree that Mistress Nosey needs to step back. I never replied to her rude email and didn't know if I would get a 2nd rude email or if she would again just not talk to me for a while. Tonight I got on my FB and see that she added me as her "sister" because her and B are now engaged.... say WHAT?! How can you really be engaged when you are still married and in the course of a divorce? How confusing. I am pretty disappointed, and being the smart ass I am I was going to call M and say "Did ya hear the good news?!" ;) but she wasn't home... so I will save my sarcasm for later. I feel like a child who is about to throw a hissy fit, I am just fed up. I'm in too much pain for this and am going to continue to focus on my husband, my inner family, my friends, and my health/what makes me feel good inside and out.
I was feeling so great(looking) this morning after doing up my hair and makeup that I told hubby that he has one sexy wife and how lucky he is! I don't usually toot my own horn but... TOOT TOOT!
I just love writing here and getting feedback from all of you who take the time to read, seriously, it makes me feel like other people out there do care. When I feel alone this is a place I can go and I am not scared I will be attacked for saying something I believe in, it makes me feel a part of something bigger. So a huge thank you to all of you who subscribe and read/comment on my blog, it means the world!
I have been in pain today and being me as usual... I forgot that hubby had the day off and was going to be driving so I could have taken some meds. But since I didn't realize that until we were gone and it was hours into my screaming back pain, it was definitely to late. We drove up to the big city about 2 hours away and saw his grandfather in the hospital, his lame mom of course didn't give us the address or say if he was at the hospital or the medical center(with the same name).... so we ended up driving off course by like 1/2-1hr. Got stuck in traffic making our way back to the right location, and I was in pain/irritated. We got there and I sort of thought my husband would like a minute alone with his grandpa, and his mom just didn't pick up the clues. Even when I asked her to show me where we could get something to drink, then all of the sudden she was leaving and it was implied we should leave to. We paid for 2 hrs for parking(pricey) and we had only been there 1/2hr, and spent 2-3hours driving up there(and getting lost). I told hubby he can go again if he wants because he works in the big city anyhow, but for me and LO its too much for us for such a short visit. As for me, I will wait until he comes home(about a week) and come check on him/call to make sure things are ok or if he needs anything.
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| Me too. By Paulus |
I will say my hair turned out splendidly! I was very excited! I wish my hair was a little longer but I'm trying to grow it as fast as I can. Yesterday I talked to M and she was again choosing decisions with B over me, what a shocker. But at least we did agree that Mistress Nosey needs to step back. I never replied to her rude email and didn't know if I would get a 2nd rude email or if she would again just not talk to me for a while. Tonight I got on my FB and see that she added me as her "sister" because her and B are now engaged.... say WHAT?! How can you really be engaged when you are still married and in the course of a divorce? How confusing. I am pretty disappointed, and being the smart ass I am I was going to call M and say "Did ya hear the good news?!" ;) but she wasn't home... so I will save my sarcasm for later. I feel like a child who is about to throw a hissy fit, I am just fed up. I'm in too much pain for this and am going to continue to focus on my husband, my inner family, my friends, and my health/what makes me feel good inside and out.
I was feeling so great(looking) this morning after doing up my hair and makeup that I told hubby that he has one sexy wife and how lucky he is! I don't usually toot my own horn but... TOOT TOOT!
I just love writing here and getting feedback from all of you who take the time to read, seriously, it makes me feel like other people out there do care. When I feel alone this is a place I can go and I am not scared I will be attacked for saying something I believe in, it makes me feel a part of something bigger. So a huge thank you to all of you who subscribe and read/comment on my blog, it means the world!
Hot rollers and a robe
I have realized with so much going on... my husband's dad has cancer, my serious accident about 2 weeks ago, husband's school/work issues, my family BS, hubby family BS, and now we just found out hubby's grandfather also has cancer. Life is very short and I am doing what I want, when I want, and how I want.
There has been much more drama with B telling who I can or cant talk to and saying our relationship needs to be 80/20... me being the 80% effort into our relationship and him 20%. I would NEVER have that kind of deal with anyone, not my parents, not even my husband and especially not B(who gives no respect). Its insulting and me explaining how I feel disrespected and being upfront with him went no where, he had excuses for everything and yet told me who I cant talk to otherwise I cannot see his kids.... how much different is that from how often I see them now? THIS is why I am talking to his ex so the kids can get together and play because when divorce happens and kids are involved...its not about the adults anymore its about the kids. They both don't see it but everyone else does. His girlfriend let's call her Mistress Nosey, even emailed me and was demanding details of why I was talking to B's ex and how it was so wrong of me.... the whole situation has nothing to do with her except that she is dating B. She is not the one getting divorced(she hasn't even ever been married) and is not in our family so needs to stay out of it, shes making things worse.
I, however, am over this. With so much illness around my husband's family(which is also mine since we are married and I care about them too), this stupid stuff isn't phasing me like it used to. I am telling it like it is or just not acknowledging childish behaviors. It's not all about one person right now, there are multiple people in our life who are fighting for their lives in more way than one. I am trying to do my best to research, get the best health care for them, get anything to make their lives more comfortable because to me that's what is important right now.
With what little spare time I do have now which is at night before bedtime, I am trying new hairstyles(tonight is hot rollers!) or messing around with clothes or shopping online for new ones(even though I don't have the money, a girl can wish!). I am having a hard time with my medical problems but I am putting it all aside because there are more important things sometimes, that doesn't mean I am not taking a moment for myself if I need it. I am just not letting myself fall too hard when I get sad. I am also finding myself seeing the couple of good things each day instead of focusing on all of the bad, its much easier to focus on the bad in front of you than search in the dark for light(and we know I always have the do things the hard way!).
Please say some prayers for my husband's grandpa and dad, plus anyone else in your life that may be having a hard time.
There has been much more drama with B telling who I can or cant talk to and saying our relationship needs to be 80/20... me being the 80% effort into our relationship and him 20%. I would NEVER have that kind of deal with anyone, not my parents, not even my husband and especially not B(who gives no respect). Its insulting and me explaining how I feel disrespected and being upfront with him went no where, he had excuses for everything and yet told me who I cant talk to otherwise I cannot see his kids.... how much different is that from how often I see them now? THIS is why I am talking to his ex so the kids can get together and play because when divorce happens and kids are involved...its not about the adults anymore its about the kids. They both don't see it but everyone else does. His girlfriend let's call her Mistress Nosey, even emailed me and was demanding details of why I was talking to B's ex and how it was so wrong of me.... the whole situation has nothing to do with her except that she is dating B. She is not the one getting divorced(she hasn't even ever been married) and is not in our family so needs to stay out of it, shes making things worse.
I, however, am over this. With so much illness around my husband's family(which is also mine since we are married and I care about them too), this stupid stuff isn't phasing me like it used to. I am telling it like it is or just not acknowledging childish behaviors. It's not all about one person right now, there are multiple people in our life who are fighting for their lives in more way than one. I am trying to do my best to research, get the best health care for them, get anything to make their lives more comfortable because to me that's what is important right now.
Please say some prayers for my husband's grandpa and dad, plus anyone else in your life that may be having a hard time.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The great unknown... and I mean GREAT
I have been having lots of pain lately but I am believer in the better you look(and know that you look!)makes you feel a little better. Even though it obviously isn't a cure, it makes your outlook on life a little better even when everything else is dimmed due to pain. For me, it was an unknown like outer space...but I am willing to try anything to make me feel physically or mentally better.
Like I said in my previous post I really like the old style pin up look, so I looked online for easy pin up hairdo styles. I took my meds... instead of being drowsy and ready for bed, I was alert. Which then led me to trying one of the hairstyles, looked good.... what about makeup? Tried that too and turned out pretty well. Going for the whole neutral eye with black liquid liner with a flare to it and some bright lips... and I'm super pale by complexion so it was a winning match! Why haven't I tried this sooner?! I felt so pretty, I am a plus sized gal not by choice but by meds, I have learned that whether its by choice or not I should be proud of myself whether I am size 0 or size 30 shouldn't matter! I tried on some dresses to wear for St Patty's day dinner where I was going to meet with my parents. I looked damn good! I felt like I probably looked a little overdressed but I was excited to show the new "me". Plus I didn't tell anyone about this besides hubby.
Today it was rainy and windy so the dress was now out of the picture... but I still did my hair and makeup! I even had D notice that I looked "spruced" up. It was nice to have someone notice me, even if it was a relative. I feel like so many people think that just because a woman is larger means they cant look good, if you're pretty ....you are pretty, that's all there is to it. I hope I don't sound to conceded but I am just so excited about this. Even though I was in pain today and had to talk about the whole B situation, I felt very positive, and I think I came off that way too which is nice.
I am still hoping for relief with all of these symptoms. I have also been thinking about that last doctor appt where they gave me meds and how it seemed odd that since my hubby was there things were different. I am starting to believe that maybe its just the whole "family element". Maybe since he saw me interacting with my husband/LO like a regular person, maybe that was more relate-able or something. That's all I can think of, besides that maybe he knows that when a husband is there that they cant treat the wife like crap... don't know.
I really feel good and free mentally... it makes me so happy and I hope this lasts. I have eliminated lots of sources of stress and its REALLY nice... like sitting on a beach with a mixed drink nice. That would be amazing right about now, wouldn't it?
Like I said in my previous post I really like the old style pin up look, so I looked online for easy pin up hairdo styles. I took my meds... instead of being drowsy and ready for bed, I was alert. Which then led me to trying one of the hairstyles, looked good.... what about makeup? Tried that too and turned out pretty well. Going for the whole neutral eye with black liquid liner with a flare to it and some bright lips... and I'm super pale by complexion so it was a winning match! Why haven't I tried this sooner?! I felt so pretty, I am a plus sized gal not by choice but by meds, I have learned that whether its by choice or not I should be proud of myself whether I am size 0 or size 30 shouldn't matter! I tried on some dresses to wear for St Patty's day dinner where I was going to meet with my parents. I looked damn good! I felt like I probably looked a little overdressed but I was excited to show the new "me". Plus I didn't tell anyone about this besides hubby.
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| True Beauty is in the eye of the beholder |
Today it was rainy and windy so the dress was now out of the picture... but I still did my hair and makeup! I even had D notice that I looked "spruced" up. It was nice to have someone notice me, even if it was a relative. I feel like so many people think that just because a woman is larger means they cant look good, if you're pretty ....you are pretty, that's all there is to it. I hope I don't sound to conceded but I am just so excited about this. Even though I was in pain today and had to talk about the whole B situation, I felt very positive, and I think I came off that way too which is nice.
I am still hoping for relief with all of these symptoms. I have also been thinking about that last doctor appt where they gave me meds and how it seemed odd that since my hubby was there things were different. I am starting to believe that maybe its just the whole "family element". Maybe since he saw me interacting with my husband/LO like a regular person, maybe that was more relate-able or something. That's all I can think of, besides that maybe he knows that when a husband is there that they cant treat the wife like crap... don't know.
I really feel good and free mentally... it makes me so happy and I hope this lasts. I have eliminated lots of sources of stress and its REALLY nice... like sitting on a beach with a mixed drink nice. That would be amazing right about now, wouldn't it?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Leave the Drama for your Mama!
Today I had B call me, it was very weird. He had every excuse as to why he doesn't call people or say thank you for birthday cards or even happy birthday to me(both of us are days apart). He kept saying how his life is SO busy and just kept on with the excuses. Then wanted to use me for stupid selfish things, keep in mind we are related, so nothing skanky here not to mention I am happily married. By the end of the conversation I was proud of myself for telling it like it is and not getting upset. Plus, I demand respect from others if they expect to get anything in return from me. I don't think B will be getting anything from me, because there was still a huge lack of respect even after telling him where I was coming from and asking if he got where I was coming from and he would reply"Yes... BUT"etc,etc...he is again SO busy and his life is the most important. Whatever.
I continued my day because I knew the rest of it would go well. Saw an old friend and the children played and it was a good time. I enjoyed it, there was no bad blood like I had gotten this morning and I was content. However, my back/neck started hurting like heck since I didn't take any meds because I knew I would be driving, and by the time I got home it was too late to take anything until bedtime. I'm just waiting for bedtime now so I can take something to ease this pain.
I called my grandma who I thought I didn't know anymore due to her going through A LOT in the last couple of years... but it seems she is the same awesome grandma I used to know. I always call her with all of this crap going on lately and she doesn't tell me what to do but gives you those subtle grandmother-y hints that lead you in the right direction. She has taught me how to have a backbone and to stand up for myself and not let people keep beating me down. I'm glad I have her to talk to because usually I talk to M about things but as Ive posted about, that's still kind of a odd area.
I am looking into getting some glamour shots done. I feel like it would raise my self esteem with the whole feeling like crap/looking like crap connection... I want to look good so I can feel better! I'm trying to find a decent price for pictures that would be old style elegant Pin-up girl style... no naked pictures thank you. I just think that's when ladies had some class and some curves and looked beautiful not sickly or slutty. But with that I would have to find either a photography place that either does hair/makeup/clothes, or find a hair stylist that could do an awesome hairstyle...and buy my own clothes and try to do the make up. I hope I can find something! So far, only one in the big city that is like $700, which is too pricey for my taste!
Hoping tomorrow is a less stressful beginning of my day, and that my pain is less. I can only hope!
I continued my day because I knew the rest of it would go well. Saw an old friend and the children played and it was a good time. I enjoyed it, there was no bad blood like I had gotten this morning and I was content. However, my back/neck started hurting like heck since I didn't take any meds because I knew I would be driving, and by the time I got home it was too late to take anything until bedtime. I'm just waiting for bedtime now so I can take something to ease this pain.
I called my grandma who I thought I didn't know anymore due to her going through A LOT in the last couple of years... but it seems she is the same awesome grandma I used to know. I always call her with all of this crap going on lately and she doesn't tell me what to do but gives you those subtle grandmother-y hints that lead you in the right direction. She has taught me how to have a backbone and to stand up for myself and not let people keep beating me down. I'm glad I have her to talk to because usually I talk to M about things but as Ive posted about, that's still kind of a odd area.
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| I am solid like a rock |
I am looking into getting some glamour shots done. I feel like it would raise my self esteem with the whole feeling like crap/looking like crap connection... I want to look good so I can feel better! I'm trying to find a decent price for pictures that would be old style elegant Pin-up girl style... no naked pictures thank you. I just think that's when ladies had some class and some curves and looked beautiful not sickly or slutty. But with that I would have to find either a photography place that either does hair/makeup/clothes, or find a hair stylist that could do an awesome hairstyle...and buy my own clothes and try to do the make up. I hope I can find something! So far, only one in the big city that is like $700, which is too pricey for my taste!
Hoping tomorrow is a less stressful beginning of my day, and that my pain is less. I can only hope!
The rest (Appointment Update)
Went to the appointment today, it went ok actually. I seriously am starting to think that I must look like some state welfare case or something when I go into doctor offices because when my husband is with me, I get meds... no question. He is all skinny and healthy looking in his nice clothes and North face jacket... and I'm all frumpy. I was telling M this and she was laughing, since hubby is also being appointed the person in charge of someone's "stuff" and everyone always just loves him, M was joking that we should all just hire him just be around.
So I went to get my scripts filled and freaking Walgreen's which I normally don't have issues with(last time I got it filled there), said my insurance wouldn't fill it until after the 30th... which doesn't make sense since that doesn't leave me enough meds even for right now.
Called the insurance... somehow the script that Walgreen's was saying that about had actually been forwarded to another pharmacy sooo it wasn't even denied. Which I am glad because it would've been 3x the cost without insurance. What's the point of having insurance if it doesn't cover anything? There isn't a point, but glad that's not the case this time.
The doc said I should be getting physical therapy for my "whiplash" from the accident, but its frickin expensive. Then he whips open a drawer and talks about trigger point injections... no thank you. Unless its permanent I don't want to keep having to come back for injections into my deep muscles... the muscle relaxers do it for me just fine. He probably thought "If its THAT bad you would get the injections"... but I have issues with injections. I was told things about Lupron too and was lied to, once its in its final, with as a pill only lasts so long and can be discontinued. I don't want a reaction that cannot be stopped or long-term issues like I had with Lupron, just don't trust it.
Going to have a visit with someone tomorrow who has been on/off in the past. Her and B were married and now are getting divorced, its kind of a sticky situation. I like to hear both sides of the story not just because someone is related to me automatically take sides especially when my relative is a jackass. I am a loyal person but I don't feel as though I owe people anything when I cannot receive one iota of respect. I do what I want to do for me and my family, not for everyone else. I treat people with respect as always but I'm not going to bend over backwards if I am not getting it back in return. I just couldn't keep doing it, wasn't fair to me, and it wasn't fair to anyone else in my life really. When you think about it, if you are giving one person a free pass to treat you like crap, then all those other people that do so much for you are expected to have a different standard, its a very confusing message.
Happy to be alive, even if I will be in more pain for a while. I love my life, my family, the things I can do!
So I went to get my scripts filled and freaking Walgreen's which I normally don't have issues with(last time I got it filled there), said my insurance wouldn't fill it until after the 30th... which doesn't make sense since that doesn't leave me enough meds even for right now.
Called the insurance... somehow the script that Walgreen's was saying that about had actually been forwarded to another pharmacy sooo it wasn't even denied. Which I am glad because it would've been 3x the cost without insurance. What's the point of having insurance if it doesn't cover anything? There isn't a point, but glad that's not the case this time.
The doc said I should be getting physical therapy for my "whiplash" from the accident, but its frickin expensive. Then he whips open a drawer and talks about trigger point injections... no thank you. Unless its permanent I don't want to keep having to come back for injections into my deep muscles... the muscle relaxers do it for me just fine. He probably thought "If its THAT bad you would get the injections"... but I have issues with injections. I was told things about Lupron too and was lied to, once its in its final, with as a pill only lasts so long and can be discontinued. I don't want a reaction that cannot be stopped or long-term issues like I had with Lupron, just don't trust it.
Going to have a visit with someone tomorrow who has been on/off in the past. Her and B were married and now are getting divorced, its kind of a sticky situation. I like to hear both sides of the story not just because someone is related to me automatically take sides especially when my relative is a jackass. I am a loyal person but I don't feel as though I owe people anything when I cannot receive one iota of respect. I do what I want to do for me and my family, not for everyone else. I treat people with respect as always but I'm not going to bend over backwards if I am not getting it back in return. I just couldn't keep doing it, wasn't fair to me, and it wasn't fair to anyone else in my life really. When you think about it, if you are giving one person a free pass to treat you like crap, then all those other people that do so much for you are expected to have a different standard, its a very confusing message.
Happy to be alive, even if I will be in more pain for a while. I love my life, my family, the things I can do!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Go away Pain.... no one likes you....
Today I am in so much pain... yet here I am trying not to take anything for it. When I first met my new family physician(couple months ago) I told him I was trying to go as natural as possible for all of my pain issues. So he told me about Melatonin because at the time I was on Valerian Root for sleep and it was making me groggy. Melatonin works good but I have some messed up dreams while on it so I have stayed off for a while now. Since the accident I was given muscle relaxers and pain meds... not a bunch but enough to last me a week or two and since I don't use much it'll last me 2 weeks for sure. My regular doc was out of office that day so it wasn't even him who saw me, it was a colleague. I am going to go see my doc this week and want to talk about possible muscle relaxer for me on bad pain days. Before he was telling me that pain meds are not something I want when I am trying to workout because it can mask the pain and then you over-do it, plus pain meds don't really do anything for fibro. I left thinking he was right, but soon after I remember thinking what about my Endo pain though, because pain meds do help endo...??
Given what he said I am scared to even bring it up... so I'm bringing my lovely husband with me. So if I am treated like a drug addict all of the sudden or something crazy, I have someone to stand up for me there. I hope it goes well because I cannot imagine dealing with healing from this accident in this much pain for possible the next 1-2months(as you all know Fibro takes much longer to heal compared to "normals).
Went car shopping this weekend. We have been looking since I got into the accident. I finally drove again on Saturday during a test drive... I was fucking freaked out. I didn't say anything but I was. Then the next day when heading out to possibly go buy our new car I told hubby that I would drive there. I am fine with my husband there or if it was just me in the car but when LO is in the back it makes me nervous, I feel like I cannot protect her from an accident. Makes me nervous. Anyhow--- we ending up buying another Hybrid! I didn't think Id ever love---a car---again... but I do! Hubby has his hybrid that we have never had issues with and he loves it for his commute, now I have one too, different models but still amazing. I love getting good MPG's and possibly helping the environment by just using a different car. Plus leather seats... Im not a person who has to have luxury but leather is SO much easier to wipe off than trying to scrub stuff off of cloth seats.
More family drama happening. B randomly called me on Saturday night while I was in the middle of making dinner and my hands were all messy so I couldn't pick up, of course no message. Oddly enough, that was the same day I know M was watching B's kids so I know they saw each other, and I told M not to say ANYTHING to B about my accident or anything about my life. When I tried to call B back to find out what was going on(if I need to have a talking to with M)about 15 minutes after he called me, he wouldn't pick up. I even texted him, no answer still. What a shock. So I know something was said otherwise why would B have called me out of the blue, just happening to be on the same day as being around M... I don't believe it was a coincidence. Now I am left with wondering and harboring feelings of did M or D betray my trust? I don't want to call and accuse them because I do not know what was said but I am not going to keep calling B because as I knew and believed before, he clearly doesn't even want to talk to me. I really don't want to talk or deal with him myself.
Always something going on here... I also had some stuff that gluten in it yesterday and today feel awful from that issue. I just want to stop dealing with my "health issues" for like a day. If only wishes could come true.
Given what he said I am scared to even bring it up... so I'm bringing my lovely husband with me. So if I am treated like a drug addict all of the sudden or something crazy, I have someone to stand up for me there. I hope it goes well because I cannot imagine dealing with healing from this accident in this much pain for possible the next 1-2months(as you all know Fibro takes much longer to heal compared to "normals).
Went car shopping this weekend. We have been looking since I got into the accident. I finally drove again on Saturday during a test drive... I was fucking freaked out. I didn't say anything but I was. Then the next day when heading out to possibly go buy our new car I told hubby that I would drive there. I am fine with my husband there or if it was just me in the car but when LO is in the back it makes me nervous, I feel like I cannot protect her from an accident. Makes me nervous. Anyhow--- we ending up buying another Hybrid! I didn't think Id ever love---a car---again... but I do! Hubby has his hybrid that we have never had issues with and he loves it for his commute, now I have one too, different models but still amazing. I love getting good MPG's and possibly helping the environment by just using a different car. Plus leather seats... Im not a person who has to have luxury but leather is SO much easier to wipe off than trying to scrub stuff off of cloth seats.
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| Because Hybrids are cool... |
More family drama happening. B randomly called me on Saturday night while I was in the middle of making dinner and my hands were all messy so I couldn't pick up, of course no message. Oddly enough, that was the same day I know M was watching B's kids so I know they saw each other, and I told M not to say ANYTHING to B about my accident or anything about my life. When I tried to call B back to find out what was going on(if I need to have a talking to with M)about 15 minutes after he called me, he wouldn't pick up. I even texted him, no answer still. What a shock. So I know something was said otherwise why would B have called me out of the blue, just happening to be on the same day as being around M... I don't believe it was a coincidence. Now I am left with wondering and harboring feelings of did M or D betray my trust? I don't want to call and accuse them because I do not know what was said but I am not going to keep calling B because as I knew and believed before, he clearly doesn't even want to talk to me. I really don't want to talk or deal with him myself.
Always something going on here... I also had some stuff that gluten in it yesterday and today feel awful from that issue. I just want to stop dealing with my "health issues" for like a day. If only wishes could come true.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Versatile Blog Award time!
This is just what I needed to make me feel a little bit better. I love thinking that Im reaching out and getting to at least one person out there. Maybe someone else gets where I am coming from! The wonderful That Girl With Endo nominated me and of course I accept!
The Versatile Blogger Award - Here's the rules:
- Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
- Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
- Contact the bloggers to let them know you've given them an award.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Good Morning, Hear-say
So frustrated/depressed this morning. AH! I want to scream but I know it would cause me pain afterwards.
We got the copy of the police report in the mail today. I don't get why some random person's hear-say is even considered in it like its a fact. Plus I don't get how that person who was driving behind the chick that hit me could even see around her big SUV what happened.... sounds like a lot of BS to me. Plus they said they were going the speed limit so the person in front of them must've been too... Ok... who did the "witness" tell that to? A cop. Now what person in their right mind is going to tell a cop they were speeding... no one. Its just so frustrating because they call accidents an accident for a reason, they just happen. If I did not see this lady(who has no injuries and that's great but I am injured and my car is too) and she didn't see me... how is that my fault? I just don't understand, I feel like I am being chastised for something that I did not do. Its already hard enough that I am in so much pain, all concussion-ed up and dizzy, have NO car, am terrified to drive... and oh yah my insurance is picking up the tab so of course its going to raise my insurance rates.... but to also feel like I am being attacked every which way I look. The car accident, my family problems... I even made some peanut butter chocolate thing the other night and am being judged for those too for goodness sake! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!?
Totally bummed... don't know what to do, not much I can do about any of the things going on. I want to run away and just live, not have to worry about bills/health/etc just be in the moment.
We got the copy of the police report in the mail today. I don't get why some random person's hear-say is even considered in it like its a fact. Plus I don't get how that person who was driving behind the chick that hit me could even see around her big SUV what happened.... sounds like a lot of BS to me. Plus they said they were going the speed limit so the person in front of them must've been too... Ok... who did the "witness" tell that to? A cop. Now what person in their right mind is going to tell a cop they were speeding... no one. Its just so frustrating because they call accidents an accident for a reason, they just happen. If I did not see this lady(who has no injuries and that's great but I am injured and my car is too) and she didn't see me... how is that my fault? I just don't understand, I feel like I am being chastised for something that I did not do. Its already hard enough that I am in so much pain, all concussion-ed up and dizzy, have NO car, am terrified to drive... and oh yah my insurance is picking up the tab so of course its going to raise my insurance rates.... but to also feel like I am being attacked every which way I look. The car accident, my family problems... I even made some peanut butter chocolate thing the other night and am being judged for those too for goodness sake! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!?
Totally bummed... don't know what to do, not much I can do about any of the things going on. I want to run away and just live, not have to worry about bills/health/etc just be in the moment.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Spinning
I feel as though my head is always dizzy lately and I guess it probably is because of the concussion. I hope it ends soon, makes me more nauseous than normal. I am scared of driving and we are looking to possibly buy another vehicle soon. I wish you could get a car with some kind of bubble around it or something.... I'm so scared of getting hit again. I was contemplating getting a dog but I don't think its really a good time... there is SO much going on but my head just isn't on straight right now. I know its just a feeling of safety all around in my life that my mind is craving. I don't even cry a lot but I'm just sad, in pain or numb from the meds currently. Scared of when I have to go off the meds and if my body will still be recovering or not. Nothing about this situation is ideal.
I think I mentioned in the previous post that I wanted to do a party. I am thinking murder mystery... but then I freak myself out. Don't know if I could pull it off, one because that's a lot of planning and two because you have to stay in character the whole time and I can see myself feeling stupid or being in pain. So if anyone has any other cool party themes it would be greatly appreciated! I kind of want to dress up. Since there isn't any main holidays or anything its different and kooky... like me.
My anniversary was yesterday, 3 yrs married to my hubby and 5 yrs together. I cannot believe its been this long already. We are so blessed to have found each other and still put up with each others crap! I hope he can keep dealing with me and all of my millions of health problems. I know sometimes he thinks I am a hypochondriac but I'm not, after having so many health issues I just like be thorough and not wait around for others to advocate for me.
I need to cut this shorter than expected.... meds are making me sick and dizzy. Need to try and eat. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers we have received.
I think I mentioned in the previous post that I wanted to do a party. I am thinking murder mystery... but then I freak myself out. Don't know if I could pull it off, one because that's a lot of planning and two because you have to stay in character the whole time and I can see myself feeling stupid or being in pain. So if anyone has any other cool party themes it would be greatly appreciated! I kind of want to dress up. Since there isn't any main holidays or anything its different and kooky... like me.
My anniversary was yesterday, 3 yrs married to my hubby and 5 yrs together. I cannot believe its been this long already. We are so blessed to have found each other and still put up with each others crap! I hope he can keep dealing with me and all of my millions of health problems. I know sometimes he thinks I am a hypochondriac but I'm not, after having so many health issues I just like be thorough and not wait around for others to advocate for me.
I need to cut this shorter than expected.... meds are making me sick and dizzy. Need to try and eat. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers we have received.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Hurt doesnt end
I know I am in a downward spiral of depression due to me not recovering from the accident like a normal person would. I sit here and think, when I get off of the meds the doc gave me for this accident I will still be in horrific pain from the accident+Fibro/other conditions and it sucks. This is why I don't take pain meds or muscle relaxers because you cannot stay on them forever even though you wish there was some way you could because that's the only time you feel halfway normal with all the pain you deal with on a daily basis.
There is even more bad family news for hubby and the fact that I almost died in a car crash, I think he is a bit stressed out. I feel for him. I don't know how to make things better, I cant make myself healthy or his other family members that are sick, better.
Before the accident last week, I had been telling him how I wanted to invite everyone over and just have a party. We couldn't figure out a reason, now I have one I think... I am alive, whats better than that?!
The other issue making me depressed is the fact that my husband and best friend are the only ones who seem to take this whole thing seriously... I could be dead. I am scared to drive. I keep having flashbacks and shopping for a car online/or in person is terrifying because that means I will have to drive... but I have appts and things that I need to be driving for. Its upsetting. Its amazing I walked away with only a slight concussion and muscle strain to my left side of my body.... I am truly blessed but it doesn't mean that because you cant see glass shards all over or a clearly broken arm, that I am not scared or hurt or that I could've been gone. Again it comes to invisible diseases/invisible conditions/invisible pain. I feel like certain people saw me after and are like oh, never mind I thought it was serious. Well they had to use the jaws of life to get me out, and I consider that serious but I guess others don't.
Like 2 days after the accident, I was at home with hubby and M had called, she was asking hubby a bunch of questions about things that I had said to D on the way home from the hospital. I was all full of adrenaline and the fact that I was coming to a realization that I may have not been here, I was asking D for ways to connect with M about everything going on with her and the stuff involving B. He said he got where I was coming from and didn't know what to say to help. Well... when M showed up at my house with D, she told me he had said how I went off on some crazy tangent about B and M. Would've been nice if he couldve said that to my face. Plus the fact that bringing this up when I am on a bunch of meds and trying to recover from a concussion, it was seriously ridiculous to bring it up right now. It got into a huge "thing" and I left the room because I couldn't handle it. I honestly don't feel like my relationship with any of them will ever be the same. I feel so deeply alone(especially when hubby is at work) that its just pitiful. Makes me feel like, why did I live through that crash? Obviously, I am here for a reason, I just wish I knew why. I cannot handle anymore relationships where people don't care about me or they are always putting themselves into things that aren't their business.
I used to be this open book to almost everyone, and I find myself down becoming withdrawn and closed off to almost everyone. I don't like being this person but its hard when you feel like the people who were closest to you(besides hubby) just aren't in the battle anymore... you realize they gave up long ago on you and your health problems.. and those other problems... well forget those! My mission is to keep doing what I am doing, if I don't want to talk to someone I don't have to feel like I need to pick up the phone, if someone is pissing me off I don't have to pretend like I am ok, I will say something. Most of all, I will do whatever is best for me and my health... and I want to live my life to the fullest because who knows how much longer we all have.
There is even more bad family news for hubby and the fact that I almost died in a car crash, I think he is a bit stressed out. I feel for him. I don't know how to make things better, I cant make myself healthy or his other family members that are sick, better.
Before the accident last week, I had been telling him how I wanted to invite everyone over and just have a party. We couldn't figure out a reason, now I have one I think... I am alive, whats better than that?!
The other issue making me depressed is the fact that my husband and best friend are the only ones who seem to take this whole thing seriously... I could be dead. I am scared to drive. I keep having flashbacks and shopping for a car online/or in person is terrifying because that means I will have to drive... but I have appts and things that I need to be driving for. Its upsetting. Its amazing I walked away with only a slight concussion and muscle strain to my left side of my body.... I am truly blessed but it doesn't mean that because you cant see glass shards all over or a clearly broken arm, that I am not scared or hurt or that I could've been gone. Again it comes to invisible diseases/invisible conditions/invisible pain. I feel like certain people saw me after and are like oh, never mind I thought it was serious. Well they had to use the jaws of life to get me out, and I consider that serious but I guess others don't.
Like 2 days after the accident, I was at home with hubby and M had called, she was asking hubby a bunch of questions about things that I had said to D on the way home from the hospital. I was all full of adrenaline and the fact that I was coming to a realization that I may have not been here, I was asking D for ways to connect with M about everything going on with her and the stuff involving B. He said he got where I was coming from and didn't know what to say to help. Well... when M showed up at my house with D, she told me he had said how I went off on some crazy tangent about B and M. Would've been nice if he couldve said that to my face. Plus the fact that bringing this up when I am on a bunch of meds and trying to recover from a concussion, it was seriously ridiculous to bring it up right now. It got into a huge "thing" and I left the room because I couldn't handle it. I honestly don't feel like my relationship with any of them will ever be the same. I feel so deeply alone(especially when hubby is at work) that its just pitiful. Makes me feel like, why did I live through that crash? Obviously, I am here for a reason, I just wish I knew why. I cannot handle anymore relationships where people don't care about me or they are always putting themselves into things that aren't their business.
I used to be this open book to almost everyone, and I find myself down becoming withdrawn and closed off to almost everyone. I don't like being this person but its hard when you feel like the people who were closest to you(besides hubby) just aren't in the battle anymore... you realize they gave up long ago on you and your health problems.. and those other problems... well forget those! My mission is to keep doing what I am doing, if I don't want to talk to someone I don't have to feel like I need to pick up the phone, if someone is pissing me off I don't have to pretend like I am ok, I will say something. Most of all, I will do whatever is best for me and my health... and I want to live my life to the fullest because who knows how much longer we all have.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Being alive is nice
Yesterday on the way to get my moles biopsied... got into a car accident. I was T-boned right where I was sitting.... I'm in a lot of pain. Thankfully I am alive and nothing too serious, need to watch the kidneys that's it. The stupid ER people sucked.... plus I didn't get any meds or even muscle relaxers(which is the main issue especially with me having Fibro with an accident). I was told it would get worse today and boy did it! The doc said to use 400mg ibuprofen, what a joke?! I use that now for headaches and it doesn't do much. In massive pain, thanking God I had just dropped my kid off at my moms and that I am alive. I am currently speaking my mind because life is too short. That pretty much sums that up.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Deep dark thoughts
I am currently having a lot of emotions and I know it is in part to do with female hormones, mine are for sure messed up! I am not having thoughts of suicide or anything but more thoughts of if one more thing happens I am going to have a nervous break. Ive felt like that for a while now, even when there was a little less going on(there is always something)I just cannot escape that drowning above water feeling. Its like I'm screaming, waving my arms in the air... people are around but they don't care enough or they are too busy to care.
To me, being too busy should not be associated with the ability to care about someone. It has nothing to do with one another. If someone is important enough you will make some time at one point, even if its a quick email or call. The people that are caring(or coming off as caring) are some of the people that others are saying I should not be associated with, they are horrible etc etc. Yet the people telling me how horrible others are, are the ones who don't seem to give a crap about me. Ironic...hypocritical maybe? I think so.
I called M today because she is going to watch my kid for an hour while I have my moles biopsied tomorrow, needed to verify everything. Things have gotten even more weird, it seems now she is B's messenger. It really pisses me off and I said a couple things but they were avoided, which is rare to see in her. She asked something about what was all going on? I said nothing.... just same old crap and some new. She asked what? I told her about the braces thing because I had emailed the place that I had previously had braces from and asked if they could help me out since we had paid lots of money to fix my teeth, and they said they would have a consult for me. I told M that I am going to call but I want to verify what exactly they are willing to do for me about this before I bother to go in, considering they have gotten our money before. She agreed. Asked what else was going on? I said nothing... she kept bugging me.... I gave little tidbits of other things that really are not even bugging me. Then she didn't ask anything more. I feel like she doesn't think anything is going on between us, which is odd since I feel it so much. Oh well, maybe it will get brought up tomorrow. I told hubby that if she does anymore messenger crap for B, I am going to pick up the phone and bitch out B right in front of M then proceed to tell M that she is now not the messenger anymore and I don't want to hear anymore about it.
I just don't like being told who I can and cannot talk to or what we can or cannot talk about. I live in a country where we have free speech, and I am an adult, I'm not an idiot either so that should pretty much tell them I'm not going to mess up my life or theirs by talking to someone for an hour. No wonder why I don't bother to make new friends or go out of my way to meet anyone, because the more people in your life the more complicated it all gets. For me, I can barely handle the group I have now... why would I add more crap to that?! I will stick to my online people I meet who are more supportive of me and my health issues than most of the people in my real life family/friends.
To me, being too busy should not be associated with the ability to care about someone. It has nothing to do with one another. If someone is important enough you will make some time at one point, even if its a quick email or call. The people that are caring(or coming off as caring) are some of the people that others are saying I should not be associated with, they are horrible etc etc. Yet the people telling me how horrible others are, are the ones who don't seem to give a crap about me. Ironic...hypocritical maybe? I think so.
I called M today because she is going to watch my kid for an hour while I have my moles biopsied tomorrow, needed to verify everything. Things have gotten even more weird, it seems now she is B's messenger. It really pisses me off and I said a couple things but they were avoided, which is rare to see in her. She asked something about what was all going on? I said nothing.... just same old crap and some new. She asked what? I told her about the braces thing because I had emailed the place that I had previously had braces from and asked if they could help me out since we had paid lots of money to fix my teeth, and they said they would have a consult for me. I told M that I am going to call but I want to verify what exactly they are willing to do for me about this before I bother to go in, considering they have gotten our money before. She agreed. Asked what else was going on? I said nothing... she kept bugging me.... I gave little tidbits of other things that really are not even bugging me. Then she didn't ask anything more. I feel like she doesn't think anything is going on between us, which is odd since I feel it so much. Oh well, maybe it will get brought up tomorrow. I told hubby that if she does anymore messenger crap for B, I am going to pick up the phone and bitch out B right in front of M then proceed to tell M that she is now not the messenger anymore and I don't want to hear anymore about it.
I just don't like being told who I can and cannot talk to or what we can or cannot talk about. I live in a country where we have free speech, and I am an adult, I'm not an idiot either so that should pretty much tell them I'm not going to mess up my life or theirs by talking to someone for an hour. No wonder why I don't bother to make new friends or go out of my way to meet anyone, because the more people in your life the more complicated it all gets. For me, I can barely handle the group I have now... why would I add more crap to that?! I will stick to my online people I meet who are more supportive of me and my health issues than most of the people in my real life family/friends.
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