On the Incline

I am hoping I wont be in too much pain the rest of tonight or tomorrow. There has been SO much work to do! As I said before we cant get rid of these f-ing ants and so that has been a battle in itself and I am so thoroughly grossed out, we have a clean house but I feel so dirty... and not in a good way.

My parents called Thursday night and asked what we had planned for Friday and I said nothing much so they asked if we could come over and help down some trees. I agreed. It was mainly hubby and my dad doing the work but I was still exhausted just going over there. Since we were there Id thought Id throw it out there, I asked for help from them this weekend since we were going to start our garden and build our deck. I guess they had other plans which is fine but hubby and I just had to joke that if we would've been someone else that they probably would've dropped all their plans... maybe we should get a mask of that person and put it on when we want something?

We did it on our own though. I had a horrible nights sleep due to LO coming in and totally freaking us out.... I wont even go into it. I ended up getting up because I was so freaked out, it was 3am. Horrible. I dozed on/off for a while but hubby got to sleep. He went and got all the equipment we needed and then I came out and helped. I shoveled, raked, and gave orders! I felt very motivated by doing all of that but I just knew I was going to be in pain later. We took a break and came back to do the rest, so it was an all day thing. Finally got dark so we had to come in, still had things to do and ants to kill in the house.

Tomorrow hopefully we will be finishing up what we started and praying that I can move my body out of bed.... also that LO doesn't freak us out again. Its been a long weekend and my stress level is crazy right now. We are having multiple family members coming to visit in the next month and its going to be hectic to say the least but I am very excited. I'm wanting to stay on a steady incline of doing physical things without too much pain but that typically only lasts a week before I get rundown and feel like I'm being tortured so all I can do is pray.

FREAKING OUT!!!!!

I am totally freaking out right now. We got a bill from my car accident and its like $800+  so I called the hospital and asked them to bill my insurance because they clearly did not do that, they told me this bill was just sent before that... which is odd because at the top it lists who our insurance is. Then I am asking about if the physician fee is included in the ER visit and am told no, they are with a different company. I call that said company and am told there is a bill being processed to my insurance for like $400ish.... great. I ask if its them or the hospital that I would tell that this doc spent like seriously maybe 10 minutes with me which is probably why he didn't catch that I had a mild concussion or whiplash and just told me that my muscles would be strained and sent me home with nothing... which led me to go to my doctor within the next day which was just fucking fantastic. Then I call my insurance to see what is being processed or if they have any amounts so I can know whats going to hit me. They then tell me that I also have a ambulance bill coming from the local fire department which  isn't a preferred provider that is around $600. Amazing. I really don't mind paying the ambulance people because those are the guys that cut me out with the jaws of life, had to lift my ass out on a gurney and calm me down. Plus they were amazing and very caring, even when they had left and came back on another call when I was being released from the ER they came back to check on me.

 But the doctor pisses me off because I was at the hospital for multiple hours and you would think that someone would been there to help me get up when it came time for the neck brace to come off. Instead the doctor left because when the nurse took my clothes off due to me needing to "try" to go in a bedpan(which by the way I couldn't and I REALLY had to pee) she had left my undies hanging off of one foot so when the doc came in and said I could get up after seeing my xrays were ok, he saw a little pad hanging off my undies(no blood or anything though). He clearly got freaked out and left the room for me to get up by myself. I was super woozy but wanted to get the fuck out of there because they didn't know crap and I was treated badly.

I feel ya man....totally...

The whole experience just pisses me off.... somehow I managed to get the ticket because this old lady is old according to the insurance they have a slower reaction time so even if she was speeding it wouldn't matter because she was going up a hill. Plus what person in their right mind is going to admit to a cop that they were speeding??? NO ONE. And I'm not talking about 1-5mph over here I'm talking about a decent amount of extra speed. I was totally SPUN AROUND and I was only going about 5-10mph since I had been at a stop and was turning. I'm NOT one of those people who quick whip out in front of others, that's a jackass move. I still have to go to court for my f-ing ticket which just further pisses me off. I lost my new car, I was terrified of driving for a while and still have issues when others are driving, got a concussion/whiplash, have annoyingly large medical bills so I think I have paid my fucking dues into this car accident of what was my fault..... The old lady was totally fine and hasn't had to do crap... I'm glad she is ok though don't get me wrong.

P.S.... we have ants. Which is another reason I am freaking out. I hate bugs. These little tiny ants would go away! We've gotten the traps where they are supposed to eat it and then take it back to the nest and kill the queen, spray outdoor/indoor.... they are beasts I tell ya! I just cant keep up, I don't feel good as it is and cant keep cleaning like a mad woman because of stupid bugs.

I am just praying for something good to come our family's way. We need a pick-me-up.

Angry

I have this anger for myself and towards others(some of them deserve it). I am so sick of being sick. I hate looking at everyone else's FB profiles and see how they are partying it up or just having stupid things to worry about. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to isolate myself because you don't end up with that hurt of having to watch others live life so easily. Even when I give myself a positive spin on things I still end up with bad things, last time I ended up with those biopsy results. I am sick of being poked, prodded, and feeling diseased. I just want to be purely happy.

 I told hubby at this point with how often I am sick and how not often I have a "normal"ish feeling I ONLY want to spend time with people who its worth it. I don't want to waste those moments of normalcy or ones that I know are going to send me into a flare with people who either don't care about us or that just aren't worth being around. I am sick of being that nice person who is always thinking of everyone else's feelings so I don't hurt them even when I am hurt. I'm just sick and angry.

2 doctor appt updates

My cancer-cell removal appt thing went from next week to this week, ended up on the same day as my GYN appt. In the morning I went in for that, it was disgusting. Much worse than the just plain biopsy because you can just feel the skin hanging there, plus they cauterize you when the chunk of skin is out and you can smell you flesh.... totally gross. Plus the tugging on my neck as they stitched me up really just sat wrong with me, yucko. But other than that it went fine, I was still numb for a while after so it really didn't bug me until later in the day/night. At this point I keep getting tinges of pain where it feels like it is being cut right now, my mom thought maybe because it was so deep that maybe it hit a nerve area. Probably.

I had my GYN appt in the afternoon which went ok. I started back on birth control yesterday because she said the risk factors are always going to be better if you don't take any meds but outweighing the pros/cons I think I should be on it. So that's good. Then we talked about how since the last time I saw her over a year ago Ive seen MANY doctors. I showed her my records, my surgery from last year pictures,etc.

 There is now this breast cancer med that has been used recently for Endometriosis. It makes sense how she explained it because both of those diseases involve estrogen directly. While Lupron was more of a shut down everything kind of a drug since it was previously used as a prostate cancer drug, this is more of a block estrogen before it gets out into the body and that's it. Plus this is a daily pill which obviously you can stop whereas the Lupron was a monthly shot that you didn't have an option of going back on once you had it. The whole cancer drug thing scares me though, the side effects remind me of Lupron with all the bone issues, but it makes sense. Anything that is giving you no estrogen is going to disrupt your bones, that's all there is to it. The only thing that sucks is in doing my research of this drug many of the stories I hear its hard to tell if their lasting side effects were from this drug or from a former cancer drug due to most of patients are breast cancer patients that go on other cancer drugs first.  I'm trying to find out what I can because I don't want even more problems. Even my GYN said I seem to get every side effect you can get when I take something or I develop certain problems that are just more and more random.

BUT I was researching online, and I found a website thing that talks about natural ways to lower estrogen production. I liked that it wasn't just like oh avoid certain foods and exercise like a crazy person. It was more of a guide of what this chick did who had endo. She talked about how estrogen is very linked to the liver and how important it is to have a good liver. She said she had went to regular doctors who seemed focused on certain things and Chinese medicine people who were focused on the other spectrum but there was no middle ground so she tried stuff on her own. At first for herbal she was put on some of those ones that have plant estrogens in them that are supposed to help with lowering people estrogen(such as black cohash,etc.) She explained that the first couple weeks she felt great and that was due to the circulation or something it was helping but that after that her pain seemed worse than before.... which I felt was really interesting because my mom just started black cohash for female issues and she has been telling me the same thing about it how she feels worse now. This chick goes on to say that she ends up figuring out Chinese Bitters and Coptis really helped. They clear the liver more which helps with the estrogen stuff. She said all of her pains/health issues pretty much cleared up. While I believe that it helped and everything she said made total sense, I don't think it'll make my issues disappear altogether but I'm willing to try.

Its just very interesting to find all of these things out. No regular doctor will tell you typically go for herbals and not a lot of Chinese herbal people consider hormones at all believe or not so you may not be getting the right things. I'm excited for this and going to do it!

Feels like getting robbed....ALL THE TIME

I have been trying to think of ways to explain what my extreme pain from my endo is like. Plus the fact that I feel like I just keep going through the same things and no one is willing to go the extra mile and really figure everything out.

Its like living in a bad neighbor hood where maybe there is one or two certain people for whatever reason or non-reason are out to get you or just ruin your life. You never know when they are coming for you, if you'll be home or if you will just come home to a ransacked house. Once it happens and they attack you, you are on guard all the time just waiting for it to happen again. Then you try and live your life maybe even move on.... BAM it happens again when you least expect it. You try and report it to the police but they just wont listen they tell you there is no evidence or that you are just nuts or they are friends with these people so it could not be true. Sometimes you are scared for your life when it happens and then after multiple times of it happening to you, you start wishing you were dead. Its hard to not be able to live your life and move on at some point, but you must always have some kind of anxiety because you need to be on guard you don't have a choice, no one else believes you or is willing to help you. Its just you and these "people".

Kind of looks like some of the docs Ive seen...

The difference between that and chronic pain is eventually you would get fed up and either move or go buy a gun and get some vigilante justice... whereas with chronic pain there is no justice unless you are lucky enough to have bunches of money to travel to where they have experts who care enough to see through that you end up feeling better.

I want some fucking justice. I am in so much pain. This is probably the worst period Ive had since being with my husband so that's a while. I am off of my birth control so to me that says this is my endo and not some other bullshit. Ive went down EVERY other possible avenue all the docs asked me to, Ive had all the horrible tests they wanted to do.... yet here I am back at the same place. Being beaten down in a bad neighborhood with the cops doing nothing. If only I could move out of my body.... after all its not a nice neighborhood anymore and hasn't been for a while, not even a good view.

Awful pain

About 6 months ago I got off of my birth control for many reasons. Now the last couple months my periods are now 2 wks apart, its ridiculous. I am in so much pain. Last night I was in so much sudden pain that I spent an hour or 2 just puking, it was awful. Now this morning I still haven't eaten anything because I'm afraid I'm going to get sick again because obviously I still have pain its just the beginning of the period. So sick of this.... haven't had a massive pain period like this for a while. Hoping I can get past it. Seeing my GYN on Thursday, hoping for some kind of bright light from her. I need some good news for once. All I can say is I hope I don't have another night like last night.....

Going out on the town

This may be kind of a confusing post, I feel like I cant find all the right words to explain what I am feeling about this.

Like a week or so ago M and our friend asked me if I would wanted to go out, they need a break but obviously want to drink and I don't drink much so if I could drive. They said they would pay for my gas and food/drinks. So sure, why not?! I need a break too, I need to escape this life if even for a night.

Last night we met early and did our hair and all of that and just made ourselves look good, its nice to "go all out" once and a while. We planned on going to a couple bars and a couple new ones that the one I was really excited about, seemed like my kind of scene. We only made it to the first two places, but that's ok, then we met up with their husbands at the next two places. It was nice, silly. Sometimes I feel like I think things are funny and everyone else is cracking up(maybe its because they work together) but I felt like I had to try and make myself laugh, even if the joke was funny. I don't know if that is a depression thing or what. I wasn't in too much pain until later in the night, super loud(but good) band which later I realized was almost too loud. I feel like an 80yr old grandma that goes along for these trips.

I see all these people my age or in my friends cases in their 30's or their 40's and 50's that are going out dancing, being silly, etc. Here I am so young, and I never got to experience any of that, Ive been sick since I was 16. I know people talk about loss and remembering the old times, like I always reminiscence about my biking/jogging days when I was pretty fit. I don't know if it hurts more or less but I know it hurts to know that I probably wont ever have that normal age appropriate experience of going out and getting wasted because you want to let loose. Or even the cute pictures all my friends have from nights of going out, don't have many. I always try to be a "normal" on these nights we go out.... and it never happens.

So at the last bar we went to M and the friend I will call White Mocha were pretty gone and silly. M asked me a couple times if I was ok. I said I was.... but I wasn't. Its so weird how when M is drunk she can see the hurt in me and asks if I am ok, but when sober she doesn't ever ask. I was pulled out on the dance floor by them and so I "busted a move" totally sober by that point so I'm sure I was dancing quite Caucasian-ally. I ended up running into a guy from my school days and a friend who helped me through a lot back in the day. Ive run into her once before and asked if she had gotten mad at me or what happened since she seemed to have stopped talking to me, in the past she said she had went through some marriage stuff. I got her number and she got mine, but I have issues with trusting people. Even old friends, because at some point none of them were there for me like I was there for them.

I told everyone I was leaving and they kept asking me to stay longer and I couldve stayed and had a few drinks because the night was still young but I just felt so out of my element. I even felt judged, by no one specifically but overall. I feel like I am a confident chick usually but out of my element with people I don't know or randomly run into that remember me as thinner and cuter brings me down, because I don't want to get into the whole life story of my health problems but that is the only way that people could even try to understand.

I left feeling like I was going to cry. No matter how hard I want certain things in my life... Big things like another child or small things like one night out.... it doesn't matter because they all feel like failures brought on by myself, and no one gets that. I felt like I was bringing people down or like fake smiling/laughing even though I didn't talk about my medical stuff at all. Maybe I need others to drive ME around so I can get silly and drink AND THEN even vent and vent until I cannot vent anymore about my health, maybe even cry.... but that's not very fun is it? I am no fun anymore, I feel like I bring others down... and times like these make me feel like why am I even around if its only bringing others down?

Cartoon I did NOT create, but represents this all pretty well

Fall Guy

I have been thinking... a little bit too much for my taste. It seems like a lot of us with fibro seem to over think things sometimes... or maybe its just me! I have been thinking of current people in our families life. And some that aren't so current but have been. I have been thought of as a "fall guy" for some folks and at this point I am not going to accept it. Maybe its this crap mood I am in or maybe its because when I look back at certain people and where it went wrong, they ended up taking NO(not even 1%) responsibility and blamed it on me. That is one thing I cannot stand. I feel like am a pretty up-front chick, not in a bitchy, in your face way but like I just ask whats going on if something seems weird and if people chose to not say anything I go on with life.

MIL- before xmas this last year she decided to tell hubby it was MY fault that she didn't come around more to see LO or him because I made her uncomfortable in some way. This was the first time ever hearing it. We had a huge discussion being as that she was a shit mom to hubby when he was growing up and never tried to fix anything(again that's a long and depressing story). So I'm sure I wasn't coming off overly bubbly but I was always polite towards her, I know my manners. I also said to her that I am always in pain and she would show up randomly and typically it was when it was really bad pain or after surgeries or tests. But I was even nicer from then on..... YET somehow.... she is not even around STILL. I mean she calls me and asks me for advice on shit quite often now due to her dad being ill but she doesn't update her son on it or come to visit LO. Example- today she decided to randomly drop this tree that she said her neighbor gave her at our house, and didn't even knock on the door or anything. The only reason I knew it was her is because I happen to look out the window to see why the dogs were barking. I WILL NOT BE YOUR FALL GUY ANYMORE.

Hubby's ex friend- he blames me for hubby not calling him or whatever for the last year or so. I told him hubby has had the same email address since high school if you wanted to reach him you could've, its a 2 way street. I will say I did like this guy like an annoying brother back when hubbs and I started dating. Once we moved out he puked into our couch and just left and didn't tell us, he looked at porn on our computer in our living room(in our TINY one bedroom place) where I couldve walked out into that, had his fathers friend call us on our honeymoon and leave a message about how fat, bitchy, etc on our voicemail, then when we had LO she was a couple months old he came to our house and played video games with hubbs and he sat there like 2 feet from LO and I and showed hubbs pictures on his cell phone which hubby told me later that night when he came to bed that they were naked women. Just a total disregard for respect for ANY women. Recently back in our life again.... and tried playing the blame game as if I had issues with him for no reason.... uh no... I had plenty of reasons and they didn't just stop they kept going on and on! I WILL NOT BE YOUR FALL GUY ANYMORE.

Brother- recently cut me out of his life and blames everyone else besides himself for anything that goes wrong in his life. After years of being treated like crap by him and his wife I didn't try so hard anymore. We talked at family gatherings but it wasn't like we were close like we used to be at one time. He decided to divorce his wife of whom he blamed for treating me and my parents like crap for over 8 yrs(when we asked why we were treated this way). I put all of those 8 yrs behind me, because he was my brother and I believed him. Then I saw the same old behaviors happening, and he has girlfriend who is stirring up trouble herself on top of it. I talked to his ex because I wanted to see my niece/nephew that was the only reason but she was nice and seemed changed. If he had ever bothered to see my kid or get all of them together then I wouldn't even have had to go there but considering he moves all the time our family should be able to talk to his ex because when he is gone again we all want to be able to see the kids. Unlike his ex, he didn't change at all. ALL the same old behaviors and some new ones happened. He knew I was talking to his ex for the kids sake and wanted me to get information out of her for the divorce(it was OK then for me to talk to her!), followed up by an email questioning all of what I do by his nosey mistress, which I chose to not respond. He texted and asked what I found out and I told him I wasn't going to be his spy and I also wasn't going to explain myself to his girlfriend, he then said I chose a side and cut me out completely. Yet even now I still have to deal with BS that he does because its effecting my parents and his kids. I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FALL GUY AGAIN...EVER.

I am not a perfect person even though I will admit I like to think I know all the answers. I will say that I do admit when I am wrong even if it takes me a minute to realize it. I don't blame everyone else for my own faults. Everyone is responsible for their own life and who is in it, and how they treat others.

My example is Lupron, I could blame all my issues on lupron(fat,fibro,etc)but while I may suggest that it caused some of problems, I know ultimately I was the one who chose to get the shot. I realize I was young and lied to but I was still the one. That's me taking responsibility for some of the biggest issues in my life right now. Why cant everybody take a second and think of how they truly are the ones impacting their lives good or bad?

Pain and People

I think I posted about my niece and nephew being here over the weekend. I swear, these kids are ALWAYS sick or even when they seem like they aren't you still end up catching something from being around them. I love them but I have enough health problems!

So like a day after they leave my LO starts getting sick, which is lovely. Add it to my list of stuff I have to take care of! It wasn't a big deal at first but then last night LO wakes up at like 1am and comes into our room and we put her in bed with us. She is acting like she is all awake, but I keep telling her to go to sleep. I go to bed late due to not being able to sleep from pain so I didn't have much sleep yet. After like 2 hours of her tossing and turning and then me having to get up to go to the bathroom and her following me. I figured we would try and go sleep on the couch and give hubby a break and if she wasn't going to sleep I would put on cartoons and try to catch a couple Z's myself.

Eventually she falls asleep all half on the recliner and every once and a while I hear a whimper from her. I got up, check my email in the other room and like within 1/2hour she is crying so hard. I know LO doesn't feel good but there's not much you can do when they are this age. I told hubby to watch her for a bit so I can catch a shower because I needed one, and I was in a lot of pain from having no sleep. I'm halfway through my shower routine and she comes in, so I decide it may help to be in the shower to get some flem or whatever out. She loved it, but didn't want to leave even when it started getting cooled down.... which then caused a bunch of crying problems.

Pain oh how I hate you.

I am at a point today, where I don't want to see anyone anytime soon. Frustrated and annoyed and wish we all could feel our version of "good".

Now hubby is expecting to go pick some random crap up for his mom... you know the one that typically is a jerk. I am annoyed with him now too because I don't see why she cant do this stuff on her own, its easier for her. For us we have cars only she has SUV's to pick this crap up, so he would have to drive all the way to her house(an hour or so) pick up her car go get the crap(another hour or so) then come back to her place unload, do whatever with it and get in his car and come home(another hour). Whereas for her, she goes out, gets it, comes home and that's it. If LO wasn't sick right now I wouldn't mind as much but since I have been around her as she has been sick for days now, my patience is wearing thin when I need help. My house isn't even clean and he is doing favors for her.... ugh... I probably sound petty but there is a whole back round I wont even get into.

Wishing things were easier.

The dust is settling finally

This whole weekend has been so busy I haven't had a minute to myself. I took this gun class thing with my mom recently, its all about self defense and just basic gun stuff then they take you to the range and you get to shoot for a while. I did pretty good, it was really exciting! Later that night my arm and back was kicking my ass though, I slept like crap. I also had volunteered to watch my niece and nephew because their father(my brother) decided to not tell their mom(his soon to be ex) that he was not going to show up on his weekend to have the kids.... I think that sucks. I know how it feels to need a break after days of being the only one tending to kids and having no adult interaction, but overall I felt horrible for my niece and nephew. Yes they are young but they still know its Daddy time and I just kept imagining them looking out the window for him. All the kids got along pretty well since they have gotten a little older. We did some fun stuff and it was just nice seeing them and I was very happy that my LO got to spend time with her only cousins.

I made a yummy Shepard's pie tonight for dinner. I made my Blue Moon ice cream the other night but for me it didn't taste like the original so I still want to go buy some one day. Then last night I made a banana dark chocolate chunk ice cream which was amazing! Its so much fun figuring out new things to make.

I got re-connected with my Maid of Honor from my wedding who I also went to high school with. Even though we weren't like super best friends through high school, she was always there for me and I for her. We got closer over the years and now we live in the same town, so we are hoping to get together soon depending on her work schedule because its kind of weird.

My stitch areas are finally healing more to where they don't itch so much. Now I am just waiting to get in for that excision surgery to take out all the cancer cells, THEN hopefully I can be done with this except for checks here or there. Have a GYN appt coming up which I am nervous about because I am betting she will opt for my 5th Laproscopic surgery since I have been off of BCP's for about 6 months now. Its just too much money for something that doesn't seem to last. We shall see. I am remaining somewhat upbeat still but I feel like once the same out routine or Monday comes into play I may be fighting off sadness again....

Life as I know it, moving on...

I realize this morning that there are so many more important things in life that are good things that just focusing on bad news, bad health problems, bad anything really doesn't do them justice. The bad will only conquer the good if I let it. I am trying more and more to do things I want to do, like crazy things...stupid things... FUN things! I don't care if someone else thinks what I do is stupid or that I am embarrassing(haven't been told this yet but Ive got time). None of us know the day we will leave this earth, and as far as Ive heard no one has gotten out alive so its time to live it up!

Yesterday I remember being in the car with hubby and LO and listening to music as the sun beamed into the car. I was holding hubby's hand and LO was being so good and we were on the way to the park. I had remembered everything I needed to bring(snacks,drinks,coats,etc). Its so simple but it made me so unbelievable happy to where I remember thinking, if I died today I would be ok with it because I was so in the moment and happy. Which is a total change from where I have been.

Now I just read my blogger friend's entry today over at As Good as Gluten about Ice cream. I am a lover of ice cream, whether your skinny or fat, small or tall, adult or child...there is always some flavor out there for you! Which is why I love it, you could have someone with a restricted diet but there is always a way to make ice cream! I love banana ice cream when I can find it! I had found one at cold stone not long ago and it was even sugar free which I was stoked about! BUT my favorite of all time because I was raised in the Midwest is BLUE MOON! Ive heard of it described as a fruit loopy taste that is so creamy and wonderful that it just cannot be topped. I agree but I have a connection to it, it takes me back to childhood and all the simple and great things associated with it. Its the small downtown candy shop, its trips with my grandparents or other relatives. If I was dying this would be what I would want my last food to be.  Since I don't live there anymore I have yet to be able to find it anywhere remotely near me. I found a recipe, so I think if I can find an affordable ice cream maker I will try to make it. I began to think of the infinite possibilities of healthy but amazingly good ice creams that I could make with it, why limit myself to just GF, SF baked goods?!

YES! My indescribable friend...

Hubby's hours have gotten cut back even more starting this week so he only worked 2 days. BUT again I am so happy to have him home. I enjoy spending time with him and making our relationship better and better, not that its bad but for some people its hard to be around each other 24/7 without work "breaks". We are doing well though and this way I am a bit more free to go sketch, paint, bake, cook,etc.

I keep getting this horrendous stomach/pelvic pain each day so I am looking forward to seeing my GYN to see if she help me. I think one day someone will figure out what is wrong with me, I think a lot of it has to do with the Lupron and the fact that its a anti-cancer drug(chemo classified). But things will be ok and I do truly believe it. At some point I'm sure I will have to come back to this post when I get sad again because its a cycle of chronic pain sufferer's but I hope to read all of these small goals and things I love and how happy I can be.

The dark side will not win.

PETA bullshit

Sorry if I offend with my title, but I believe that is exactly what they are...BULLSHIT. I have read multiple other blogs talking about the current campaign so I'm sure that majority of you have already read another blog who goes into more depth than I am going to. All the blogs that I have read discussing this have already done such a great job that I don't know what more I can say, besides that I think PETA has always been a group to get publicity even if it was bad, they don't seem to care. It kind of shocks me that in all their radical members they have, there isn't one or more that has infertility and would object to this(as far as I know none of the bloggers were at all a member of PETA). Things like this tend to make people who aren't infertile understand even less "what we are crying about" and make infertiles look a certain way which does not do them ANY justice. Here comes my last cuss of the day because I am so irritated by this considering the things I have been talking about with my own life lately.... FUCK PETA.

You cant break these infertiles, they are some strong ass women!

Results are in

Remember how I had 4 biopsies from all over my body done about 2 wks ago? Well I finally got the results when I went in to get my stitches taken out. ALL of those biopsies were pre-cancer, the one on my neck is the most advanced version. Which means once my neck is a little more healed in about 2 more wks from the original biopsy the doctor has to go into the next layer of skin deeper and cut all through that even bigger area to make sure all the cancer cells are cut out. Because they all came back pre-cancer he did a once over to make sure even ones that are just kind of yucky looking would get taken off, so I will have one more taken from my back.

I am not meaning to be dramatic but this freaks me out. I was expecting to go in and everything be benign, so its shocking that each one had a nice chance for cancer but the neck one especially. I'm glad I am doing all that I am, but I cant help but be freaked out. I feel like there is so much death around me, its just hard to handle, to think if I wouldn't have noticed all of these changes myself...who knows what would've happened?

I got home and focused on the things that needed to be done and asked hubby to mail some stuff off and things like that. When he asked about the appt I told him, he seemed shocked too but then didn't say anything else. He had to leave early to help his grandpa with something, then went on his way. He calls me after his grandpa's house and he starts saying about how he hopes he doesn't have cancer or something when he goes into the dermatologist, then asks when he should go in???

 I have been trying to get him into a dermo for the last couple of years because he has this freak mole thing on his head that bugs me... and now when I come home from this appt after weeks of being depressed about my other health issues/fertility/etc he is not asking many questions or saying much at all about it. I told him it kind of sucked that he didn't say anything much when he was home with me, and we went back and forth. Eventually after me saying this just sucks I feel even more down than before, his reply was life sucks sometimes....so I hung up. I just cannot take it anymore, maybe the cancer thing would be easier and I should not go back and have them remove the rest... this chronic pain BS is really wrecking havoc on me. Don't know how to handle anything anymore. Feel like I am being looked at like I'm dramatic, but the thing is over the past 7yrs or even the past yr things just keep getting worse so its not like this is the only thing that has gone wrong health wise.

Whatever.

When will it get better, who understands?

The last couple of days have been interesting. Kind of busy but not anything that HAS to be done, yet still cant find time to be ok. There is always something crazy going on with MIL since her dad(my hubby's grandpa) has cancer, its like she twists everything her way even if it doesn't really involve her. So we have to go straight to the horses mouth whether its about hubby's childhood or grandpa's cancer. Its a lot of run around. Normally she could care less about hubby and seeing him or LO its ridiculous. Hubby mentioned to her that we were going to do a little Easter egg hunt here for my niece/nephew, kids around, of course LO. She then decides to take it upon herself to ask if we are going to color Easter eggs, I said yes since LO is finally old enough but that is before Easter. She invites herself... not that its a HUGE deal or anything but just like when we do gingerbread houses at xmas, its usually a 3 of us thing, especially since I have so many health issues and overall craziness going on.

I was talking to my mom today about things and told her this tidbit, which in the past she knows/has seen all the crazy off-the-wall things MIL has done. Yet she is like, just let her come its not that big of a deal... I wanted to just say SHUT UP..... but instead I said I know its not a big deal but this is our time to do a holiday thing with just us, the rest of the holiday time(at any holiday) is always split up between parents and we don't get our own holiday time typically and this year I am making it happen. Why cant she just listen to me vent instead of making me feel like I am being crazy. I stopped talking about it and listened to her as usual. She has been telling me about this or that "friend" drama over the last year or so and it is still a battle, I feel like she just shouldn't even see this person if its such a big deal yet she does... that's her choice and I listen to her vent and am fine with it. Yet today when I am venting about hubby's college stuff, and how its very screwed up so he is switching schools... she halfway into my sentence cuts me off and is like "I need to start dinner." and gives me a finishing line. She wasn't mad or anything but she does this often after getting everything she wants vented out. I am starting to get pissed off.

Why is it that when I talk to others they can get their whole life story or vents out but when I start they end up cutting me off? With the exception of a couple of good friends. Not to mention my depression has not yet lifted so this sent me into another little bit of sadness that my own mother just doesn't give a crap unless we are talking about my sibling(who is a jerk to her).

I feel so judged by so many people whether I am out and about or at my home when certain people come to visit. Its this unexplainable sickness it leaves me with, that I cannot understand. I don't know why people do it and I don't know how to sift the good weeds from the bad.

But in good news, I am getting my stitches out tomorrow morning! Hooray! Hoping I have no infections!  I am having this weird leg stabbing pain that is a brand new pain, its like in the back of my thigh to behind my knee, almost vein feeling. Its horrible when it happens. There is always something new to add to my list of symptoms.

Hoping this depression lifts soon because I feel like a maniac at this point and no longer wish to feel this way or be in this much pain. I hate endo... and fibro... and any other condition that causes pain for extended periods of time.

Truly painful

Today started out ok believe it or not, I have been trying to stay busy which is easier on the weekends since we tend to have to run errands and whatnot. Did stuff around the house when we finally got home and I wanted to see if there was a huge difference with a GF lady finger for Tiramisu, so I was standing for a while making all of that...there is a difference by the way they are VERY cookie like and you almost need to soak them for a while first otherwise it wont soak through like the regular ones. I think I am going to try homemade shortbread next time. Then hubby really wanted meatloaf so I tried a new recipe and mashed potato's and amazing GF gravy. I have been pretty much standing, cleaning, cooking all day. I mentally felt better because I didn't have the chance to think about things too much and it was nice and sunny.

The last multiple hours got rough though. My legs are like gnawing down to the bone, hips to toes. Hubby came and elevated them for me and gave me ice packs for my thighs. Then he changed my dressings for my stitches, which now has gotten so raw from the often band aid changes that I had to have him try to tape gauze on which doesn't stay very well.

We had planned 1 thing so far for tomorrow and it is supposed to be quick. Now MIL calls and is asking for "possible" help with something that is hours away from where she or we live and isn't even sure its going to happen.... shes so weird. Then she doesn't tell hubby about HIS grandfather and the cancer stuff, but when on the phone with me she tells me all about it, her tone of voice didn't change once. Then we had offered to have her(and others) over to our house for an Easter egg hunt thing for the children around, she then invites herself to do egg coloring with us. We do that before Easter itself and now that LO is getting old enough its something that is just for the 3 of us, but this is the type of thing she does. Even though normally she wants nothing to do with her son or granddaughter.

On top of just being in massive pain and stupid drama, in spring we get these tiny little ants here or there in the bathroom or whatever room really. It is driving me crazy! It makes me feel like we aren't clean or are slobs or something which really isn't the case. I have no idea how to make them go away, plus its kind of hard since we have LO we really cant use a bunch of sprays or whatever in the house.

Hoping things turn out for everyone, my blogger friends included. Seems like a lot of us have been having hard times.