I'm still a fighter

I hope you all like the profile changes I made, trying something a little more soothing for the soul.

Talked to one of my doctors today. He thinks I have PCOS now due to my weird hormone levels and things that have come up. I need to now go get a pelvic ultrasound...fun... I talked to him about wanting a child but scared since all of my lupron crap. He thinks I should try and just go for it considering I have endo and possibly PCOS, 2 of which are both big deals in fertility. He said if I keep on my progesterone I should be able to keep a pregnancy. Considering my LO is healthy then I shouldn't feel guilty or worry about having one with birth defects and whatnot. I'm still scared though. He also told me it IS ok to exercise, at first I was told it wasn't by someone else and was freaked out that I was harming my body more. So I gotta get my figurative boxing gloves back on and start kicking some ass. I want to lose some more weight and hopefully we can control the hormone situation enough to where that happens then I can consider having a child. I just wont bring a child into a situation where I don't feel a little healthier and where we don't have a better flow of income coming in. All I can do is pray and hope. Trying to think of inspirational quotes and things that will keep me going. After all in this kind of life ya gotta be a fighter or you wont make it out of here alive.

Cracks me up that there is a T-shirt out there like this

Things shouldve been different

I always felt like I would have my kids closer together in age. My brother and I are about 5 years apart and there were always constant reminders of it. Yet Ive felt like the older sibling for a while now due to his dumbass-ed-ness*. I obviously had to try to get pregnant when I was younger than expected because of my endo. My brother and I have kids around the same age because he accidentally got pregnant... twice. I love his kids. Its just like insult to injury that people don't even think about trying to get pregnant, they don't even want kids yet and they bitch about how they want to travel more etc, but they are the ones that it just clicks for. The way things are looking at I either wont be having another child at all or there are going to be possibly a bigger age gap than my brother and I. Which Id rather have a gap and a healthy child than not so that's ok. I just thought life would be different when it came to this stuff.

I dropped out of college due to pain. I did multiple jobs that I loved but I had to leave or they cut my hours way back because I was in pain. I got much more pain throughout the years and its gotten worse. But I NEVER thought my plans for finishing our family would be screwed up. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful for my LO, but I have a lot of guilt. My husband was an only child and had a rough upbringing. I had the one sibling but its so fucked up now it doesn't really matter that I do, hes cut me out.  LO loves kids so much. That's the main reason she wants to go to parks, the kids, not the toys. It kind of breaks my heart. I watch my brother's kids and how they have each other and it makes me feel guilty that my body is fucked up. I want good things for my LO so I want a sibling for her. If I cant ever have a kid I will adopt after saving up. I know its expensive.

Just things I never thought Id have to think about.

Some answers but still many questions

After playing phone tag with my doctor since last week, we finally got a chance to talk about my results. I asked if he had a patient who hadn't been on Lupron what would he typically suggest. He said some med that regulates the testosterone and a birth control pill WITH estrogen... which for me would never work considering with endo that is bad news. He also agreed more than just the couple were out of range, due to the "varied" markings from the blood lab they don't say if they are but they were. I'm glad I have concrete showings that my body is clearly messed up hormonally and now I can start looking at more things that are messed up. He told me that the things that are off usually cause or are the cause of ovarian dysfunction. I did some research and its pretty serious. While I am blessed that I was able to have my LO and I did so earlier in life due to fear of not being able to have a kid, I feel such guilt for having her after being on Lupron. I don't know what it has done to her considering I still struggle with what its done to her. I am hoping she was somehow unfazed by it. I am scared to even try for another child because of miscarriages and I don't want to pass anything unhealthy onto a innocent child. I'm detoxing as much crap as I can out of my system but that's all I can do. 

Today is a bad pain day since I have been out of my regimen. Hoping for good things and thankful that I have the people that I do in my life. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and have a pity party but when it comes down to it I love my family/friends who have been great enough to stay in my life. Those people that cant handle it or that try to make me feel bad for being me(whether its because I'm sick or because of my weight from being sick) they can go down another road in life. I am trying to keep looking forward and not back, nothing can be changed at this point but I can try to be proactive about it by researching.

The results are in

I was supposed to get results in from the lab I went to and got work done in. I hadn't seen anything so I called them. The guy said he sees my form that I signed to have results sent to me, but for some reason it didn't get sent. He gave me some of my results, I think some of them he skipped over or was talking too fast I don't know.

But later in the day I got my mail and my doctor had forwarded the results to me. Multiple of my hormones are off. One of the things that was off I researched trying to figure out what the heck that means, and I found stuff that it could mean you have adrenal tumors, adrenal cancer or adrenal hyperplasia. That freaked me out!!! I like to be informed because I feel like as patients we are our only advocates. For example Ive been going to GYN's for years saying that I felt very moody and like my hormones weren't right and they did basic things for me or made up some BS... but now being with one doctor and they routinely suggest a full panel, and look at all this crap! I'm talking to some women and I guess what happened is from being on one of the endo meds 4-5yrs ago, it messes up your whole system. Which is how I got fat, my "fibro" , and other issues. Basically at this point we are trying to reverse the effects as much as possible. I am so damn nervous I just don't even know what to do! I want to know what this means now....

What is normal?

I am on these hormones for some of my issues so in general I am overemotional and I know it. Today was a day that things kept going wrong.

I wanted to get my haircut on a Sunday, pretty much no places in my small town are open on Sunday.... then the places in the big city are open later in the afternoon. Had to wait for hubby to exercise so he could go into town with me. I had scheduled an appt and wasn't some walk in or anything, and ended up with an older gentleman. Ive never had a guy cut my hair especially one who could be my grandpa at a hair salon(not barber shop!) and he was NOT gay. He definitely had some old school methods and he was nice, but I felt like things didn't end up even. I felt so bad that he was old and all of that, I said a couple things to him for him to even it out but didn't complain to anyone. Then he just HAD to be the one to ring me up at the register(this was at mall salon inside a major store), then asked if I wanted to add anything on to my bill(meaning tip). I'm sorry but I had warm water that had went down my whole back/shirt when he washed my hair, but I didn't complain because it was an accident I'm sure. Then in general my hair stuff, plus he took double the time it would normally take someone. PLUS their prices randomly went up and we are still poor. So I had to say no to the tip... not to be mean or a cheapskate but because I don't have money and it wasn't that great of an experience and then I felt like a jackass.

Before we left the house I noticed that now we have bigger ants and was freaking out. Bugs in general gross me out but I'm so sick of dealing with it. I had to call around and get quotes for exterminators and of course it takes time for you to see a big difference which pisses me off because I am one of those people who want instant gratification. Plus the fact that we don't have money and here we go spending more kind of sucks.

Then we have my dad's fathers day dinner to go to and I was supposed to make a potato salad... but since I had ants I didn't even want to stand in my kitchen. So I bought one, and it was expensive and not as good as mine.

By the time I got into my parents drive way I was on full breakdown mode. Sobbing to where I couldn't breathe and finally telling my husband how I felt like a crazy person. Why am I so crazy?! Why do I feel like this?! Am I ever going to get fully better?! What is wrong with me? Everything is so off with me today that I felt like I needed to write it down. I need to re-group. Because after all what is "normal" anyways?

Trying to get positive

Despite everything going on, I am trying(Keyword:trying) to get a positive attitude going again. Ive been in pain each day pretty badly but I am still here, kicking ass and taking names! Its been really nice out this weekend so I tried to take advantage of that even if it was only for a little while.

I am becoming more and more appreciative of the friends(Internet or not!) who understand these illnesses. Who whether ill or not, are up front with me about anything that comes up! I really wish people that didn't want anything to do with me, would just stop talking to me altogether instead of me wondering if they are fazing me out or mad etc. I just don't have the time nor the energy to deal with people like that. I know everyone has their own battle and I am very supportive to each of my friends in their own battles but if they cannot even respond to me or act like they care, then fuck 'em.

Getting back on the gluten free train(toot toot!)! I am excited about it! This time I think Im going to focus on the sauces/spices more to where I don't have to worry if a noodle or something has what kind of flour in it. The meat and veg's will be my main sources of food, plus its low carb and I really really pray I lose some weight.

Currently my plan of attack is to lose some weight. Hopefully get well enough to get back on a semi-normal schedule of working out and then try to have a baby. When I have the baby I will get my partial hysterectomy. I have a feeling I have Adenomyosis the only thing that can cure that is a hysterectomy so why the heck not once I am done having kids?! Hoping hubbs work picks up enough to pay off our credit debt from his hours getting cut back(groceries,etc) then I would like to start trying. I need some kind of security that it'll actually be ok before bringing another LO into the picture... if I can even have kids at this point.

I am hopeful but not getting my hopes up if that makes sense.