Insurance how I hate you

I guess its not bad enough that I deal with chronic pain, am not able to follow my dreams/goals as I had hoped, and have big old drama going on. I had a dentist appt today for a cleaning, I had one cavity which I kind of figured its been years since having one and this tooth was on the "watch list" for a while, and it was becoming increasing sensitive. I have some kind of tiny cracks in my enamel that I asked about and basically its because I grind(I wonder why!?) and because my bottom teeth are not aligned with my top ones which stayed straight due to a permanent retainer. These bottom teeth are more crowded than before I had braces, it sucks. I was a teen when I had braces and I remember once I got them off I wore my retainers religiously and then would take then in to get tweaked by the Ortho people, the last time I had to go it was so tight it barely fit on the bottom ones, so slowly as the years went by I couldn't fit it on anymore even with wearing it every night. Now the bottom ones are getting grinded by my permanent retainer and top teeth so basically if I don't get bottom braces..again.. it wont get better.

I asked at my appt how much my insurance would cover if I went through their Ortho person, they told me 60%, that should be do-able right? Not if they are wrong... I called my insurance company to make sure I didn't have any other Ortho options and they proceed to tell me, they don't cover anything for adults for that type of stuff. Great.

I wish I wouldn't have been so afraid as a teen to speak up and say this barely fits but I didn't want them to think I was being a wuss or trying to tell them how to do their job and I hated going there anyways... so as it got the point of not fitting at all, I didn't dare show up and ask for help when I was younger because I was so scared they would say it was MY fault and accuse me of not wearing my retainer. Believe it or not I was a very responsible teen and I wanted those braces off and I wanted pretty teeth, and less headaches, so why would I not wear it?! I even wore the God awful headgear when I had braces, if that doesn't show dedication I don't know what does.

Hubby is enrolling in school because he was laid off for a year last year which was really rough, and now this new job is going back and forth with hours. I am proud of him but I am somewhat jealous that he can follow his dreams and do what he wants. Plus it doesn't help that college costs money. I want to take some kind of small culinary classes, not some crazy mainstream yearlong program but something that is new and exciting but to where I could not have to miss too much if I am in pain or whatnot. Maybe one day....

I want to be more like the person I was when I met hubby, I still had pain issues but it was before they got horrific and before I was on Lupron which caused more pain issues. I was fun to be around, more goofy, not afraid of looking dumb, not scared to try something new. I don't know if its because I always think to myself about what is going to cause me lots of pain so I wimp out or if I have just become lame but it needs to end.

I want to be able to sing in the car as loudly as when I am by myself but with a carload of people(if the situation calls for it) without being scared some parts will be out of tune or I will squeak and look silly. I wish I could be the girl who took random road trips to where ever on a whim, just get in the car and lets go. Even if I had ended up somewhere with not much there, I still made the best of it and had fun and took goofy pictures. I do not know what happened to that girl but I want to be her again. I feel like somewhere in between surgery, being lied to and treated like a lab rat with all the meds, gaining so much weight from meds that I have been uncomfortable in my skin suddenly for too long yet there's nothing that helps me lose weight and being told I'm shit out of luck or that no one believes me... or maybe the fact that day in and day out I am in debilitating pain. Who knows?! Either way.... I want to be that girl... maybe a little wiser but nonetheless she was a pretty happy person.

The pain game

**First, a shout out to my Endo sisters! I have noticed I haven't been getting as many comments and hoping its not because I have posted about PTing with my kid. Even though I have one, I want to acknowledge your pain because I was once there... I do get it. I try not to post much about it because I do not want to offend anyone or make you feel sad, its just sometimes that's what my life consists of and with my pain on top of it I feel like people need to know how hard it is with all of this crap we go through. So.... I hope I haven't offended anyone, I will try to tone it down and not write whole blogs about situations surrounding that.**

I am feeling like I am an ex drug addict or something that needs a fix, except that I have a reason to actually want the drugs. I am in lots of pain and have been lately because of the below freezing temps. My bones/joints have been aching. Even though I stopped taking any kind of sleep aid(because it was causing more nausea) I am having huge issues with nausea again for no reason.... AGAIN.

So frustrated that I do not have any meds and the new doctor that I saw about a month ago said that for Fibro they only mask when you're overdoing it... but even then its like what about days I'm not exercising and am in massive pain? I don't need to worry about it masking anything because I cant move in the first place. With my Endo I am in pain, I got off of continuous Birth Control Pills since after 7 yrs the risk for stroke and all of that goes up and since I gained like 80lbs from the Lupron I don't like risks like that. So Ive been off of those for about 4 months and besides my period pain which since my surgery where they removed my peritoneum and did the pre-sacral neurectomy hasn't been half as bad. It still isn't fun. Plus, the rest of the month I still have lots of pain with Endo and dysfunctional pelvic floor and if I eat gluten by accident. Since being off the bcp's too I am very PMS woman, I flip out or cry SO easily and I don't even see it until my period comes and I go.... Oh... that's why I feel like this. Which is so not me and never has been before this.

I have a dentist appt on Monday and nervous they are going to say I need a bunch of work done. When I was a teen I had braces and they put a permanent retainer on the top on my mouth behind the 2 front teeth... looks like a staple. My bottom teeth are worse now then when I had braces and I did wear my retainer and all of that crap... so needless to say I have massive headaches which are probably associated with that. Now that little retainer rubs against one of my teeth and is causing a little rift in it... maybe I need braces again. My parents paid a big amount of money and now I will have to pay for it all over again in my adulthood??? Ridiculous. We will see. I have TMJ and last time I went to the dentist they told me that I did and that there isn't too much you can do, but I have found exercises for it online and such. I just have had all kind of bone issues since that Lupron so its like even when I do things for problems I have I feel like they don't get fixed like they should.

I'm not depressed just still irritated with things in my life, or people. Oh. Didn't make it to the funeral yesterday... was in too much pain. Felt bad but its not like the person was there really... and my mom told me she had been buried last week technically I guess. So ugh... maybe I will play in the snow today.....

Done with

Currently I am feeling very done with all the BS. I am in pain and I do not have the energy to sit there and explain to people why I am mad or that I am not really socializing because I just cant handle anymore crap.  For example, I forget things easily and I know that so I mark things on a calendar so I know if I have plans or appts etc.... well I am going to a family friend's funeral later today and I was supposed to meet up with  M and drive over, but now last night she tells me she possibly either had plans or just made plans to meet B(of whom treats her like shit and is very selfish) because he has his kids this weekend, but if she doesn't hear from him today then she will call and THEN we can meet up and drive together.

One, that fucking sucks that she is putting me 2nd after making plans with me, so no I am not going to say ok if she calls me and wants to drive with me. Two, she is one who made the deal of not discussing B because anyone who talks with her about him ends up getting mad because she defends his selfishness, so here we are again discussing him. Three, she already saw his kids last night so its not necessary to ditch me, if she hadn't seen them already I would overlook this a little more.

M and I have been very close for a long time and this is just really getting to me. Ever since B moved back to this state things have been so full of drama. Don't get me wrong, I love B but the choices he makes make it hard to... he is just kind of twisted. I love his kids and want to see them but he doesn't bother to get them together with us, so I am going to get together with his ex because eventually he is going to move out of state again with his job and I want have an ok relationship with his ex so we can actually see the kids.

All of this makes my stomach go into knots, causes me physical and mental pain. Yet I feel like I cannot even talk about it and try to get it fixed. I understand its a weird situation for them, I get it. I'm not saying choose sides I'm just saying do not discuss it and stop letting his BS rub off on her. She is menopausal so she kind of taking things the wrong way than I would expect, it makes me feel like there is no "good time" to talk about anything. So, I keep my distance and when I am encouraged to see him, I decline politely. At some point though, I am going to flip... because its all just building up.

Ah Potty training...

So the day has arrived. The other night I went to go to the bathroom and my child followed me in as usual but then asks me to help her get her pants down... ok, then proceeds to ask to take her diaper off...alright... then sits on the potty nakey... good... and I am done going at this point and I say ok stay there Im going to throw your diaper away, still being able to see her I went down the hall. Then I hear the miraculous sound of potty song music!!! *heavens above opened up* I was almost going to flip out, obviously in a good way, but I had to contain it to a calmer version as to not freak her out. I, then gave her a sticker which she was stoked about and could not stop smiling I was so happy this had finally happened. If that wasn't a sign saying she was ready I don't know what would be.

The next day I decided to get this going since she started... went and bought a new travel potty chair for the car and a couple different kinds of pullups(cool alert, nighttime, and Dora) hoping that we would find one that she would be good with, some stickers and skittles and let her pick out her own undies for later on. Since that day I had to run around and pick my parents up, and that was a long drive I really didn't get into the whole "scene" until today. Plus I am pretty much keeping the PT thing a secret because I don't want my mom calling everyday asking how its going if its not going well and the fact that I want to surprise everyone. So it was rather tough because I was really excited.

Now we are on the technical first day of training... ask me how hard this day has hit me, I dare you! I began realizing how I cannot do the things I want to do in life and for my family, etc and it really brought me down. It was hard because I was trying the naked method, but halfway through the day it was snowing and she deserved to go out and play... but its too cold for naked outside playing. Had to use a pullup which I felt ok with until I realized that she was treating the pullups as if they are just diapers(and those things are pricey!). I just got this 3 day potty training thing and am going to try this starting tomorrow because it makes more sense than my thing I was doing... I knew I was lost and hopefully while doing this I can regain my composure once again.

Its not that I am not totally stoked still... its just after the initial pee in the potty, and lots & lots of pee on the carpet it starts weighing down especially when you are in massive pain from the cold weather. This 3 day one pretty much says I cannot use pullups anymore, so that was a big waste of much money... and now I have to send my husband tomorrow to buy more undies because there are going to be lots of guaranteed accidents in during the next couple of days and I don't know if I will be able to catch up with the laundry since you have to watch the kid like a hawk for this to work. Only God knows.

Considering all of this is going on, I haven't worked out for longer than I had hoped. So hopefully she can catch on and I can re-start my workouts. My child is my main focus currently and I am ok with that. So if you don't hear from me for a couple days send Stanley Steamer out to my house because I am probably drowning in wet flooring... or if you see random posts that are ramblings about pee/poop its probably safe to assume things are not going to great...also if you have any helpful hints I am all ears. I know my kid can do this but I don't know if I can!

Time out Central

I'm in much pain since I did a dinner for my grandfather yesterday night. The fact that I am dog sitting for my parents dog is definitely NOT helping matters. My kid isn't being mean to him she just wants to play and their other dog, Jack(the one I blogged about) used to let her come cuddle in his bed and just was very relaxed with her...unlike this dog who at one time was my brother's whom treated the dog like crap to where my parents finally took him. I'm pretty sure since my brother/his wife started ignoring and being mean to this dog around the same time they had their 1st child, he probably associates that with any kid. He is small and really annoyingly moody, so my kid is trying to play with him or just pet him and he is growling. I keep telling her to leave him alone and that doesn't work, doing MANY time outs. Its just a lot of extra stress I do not need.

I haven't been exercising this last 4-7 days because I just feel pain and yucky from all the family/personal stress going on. Not that I'm lazy or whatever, its a matter of I need to take care of my kid well and if that means I don't work out for a little while than that's what I need to do. Just frustrating, I woke up yesterday before my pain hit, and wanted to go to the trail for a walk and hubby refused stating he wanted to "sleep in" even though I let him the day before and this was the only time before my pain would hit along with exhaustion that I would be able to go. Its so irritating because usually he gets me but then it was like... he just didn't. But I will say it was very nice that he cleaned the house for me when I was preparing dessert ahead of time yesterday and dinner.

Someone had posted on some board about not being able to work out when they had been doing really good and I totally related so I told them that, and some other chick posts back about how if they waited around for more energy they would always be in bed so to pretty much just suck it up. It was messed up in my mind because just like anyone else I have other issues besides fibro, such as Endo my first disease which doesn't get any better after working out. Also other things but besides all of that the whole kid thing, so many people I seem to talk to are older or don't have kids and I feel like that is something so hard to explain that yeah I want to work out and I'm not lazy and I know I shouldn't expect more energy but if I had a frickin nanny... SURE I would be working out and able to do more because a kid takes a lot out of you. It would be nice for that to be acknowledged once and a while.

Good for the Environment

I am so proud of my husband! Today when we got home from running errands and dealing with a cranky, sick child...we went outside and picked up trash that had been strewn from the neighbors yard into the street and some of it went into our ditch too after it was all mowed from the city. I always tend to think if people cant even pick up their own litter from their yard then I bet they aren't very clean people at any aspect of life.

It was so disgusting... beer cans galore! We still have a whole ditch or so to go on their side of the road but since we filled our garbage cans up and it doesn't get picked up until the end of the week we will have to wait until after garbage day. Its kind of frustrating that they don't get in trouble for having their yard littered with so much crap that it gets into the street and yards around it. Plus the fact that we are having to pay for our garbage to get picked up when in this case it wasn't our garbage at all. I want to do things that are good for the environment and also because I don't want friends/family that come over to see that, it looks trashy.
LITTER-ally. Haha I couldn't help myself! It just makes me mad because its not that I am some hippie person who knows too much about what people "should" do, its just a simple matter of clean up after yourself or your friends. I don't know if you can really report people and if so to who for littering...in their own yards or ditches? I just don't want to have to keep cleaning up their mess every couple of months, its not fair...especially to my husband who did most of it...because I was not feeling good. So I'm just so proud that we did this and that he was willing to clean up even when it wasn't our mess to clean.

Negative town

Its amazing how some things don't change. Some things people don't want to change like their children growing up or their waist size... and other things like negativity or family drama never ceases. I can just feel it all around me and makes me very negative and feel like I'm being lied to. I don't know why when I bring a random person's name up that usually isn't associated with drama, if my sibling has talked crap about that person THAN its like their is some huge secret and no one fills me in. Meanwhile I am left in the dust and talking to this person not knowing if they have some evil plan against some of my family or what. All I want is for people to give me the same honesty I give them. Its becoming more obvious that the tight relationship I thought we all shared isn't as tight in their mind if they can keep stupid secrets from me that their is no reason for me to go tattle about or anything so there is no reason not to tell me. I hate feeling stupid. Tonight was my "birthday dinner" and I just felt like an idiot being here, kind of a "what is the point"? If I wasn't taking care of their dog this weekend and dropping them off I wouldn't have come, it feels too soon. Nothing has changed yet and for me to be able to handle this bullshit... something has to give.

My workouts are slowing down now because my pain is increasing greatly and that also is bumming me out, not that I was losing weight or anything. But I was proud of myself and now I'm... I don't know with myself. I'm doing decently with the Gluten free stuff but tonight my birthday torte wasn't and some of the veg had gluten in the sauce... I didn't know until after. GF is hard... I wish there wasn't gluten in anything. Its not like you can complain because the person is trying to do something nice for you but at the same time its frustrating because they know you cant have gluten and they don't research anything ahead of time. Ugh.... I need to stop this negative before it takes me down harder.

Only the good...

Today started off pretty good with a friend of mine and some coffee. It was very relaxing and nice to know I could just vent and let her vent without any judgements. Ive known her for about a year or so, met her through this local support group for chronic pain. I no longer go to the meetings because the woman running the meetings couldn't get anything straight and seemed pretty hypocritical/judgemental and after a while I just couldn't handle it.... I had enough stress at my house I wanted to feel good after going to a meeting but I would sometimes end up crying in my car afterwards because it was so depressing. I was the youngest person at the meetings and it felt like everyone there pretty much had their life keep getting worse and worse in each imaginable way. My friend and I have kept in contact since even as the group was crumbling, we got to know each other and our families more. She is the kind of friend I hope I can keep through my life, I never feel her judge me and I feel like we can always vent to each other... in my experience with people that is SO rare.

I am still having my own family issues which are putting a dark cloud above me. I have been keeping my mouth shut with them because some of them are the ones I am usually the closest with and this is the most distant I have felt from them due to the issues being caused by a different family member whom I am not close with. I feel as though that other person is given a get out of jail free card one too many times and its not just that I am annoyed that my family is getting taken advantage of but also because its effecting my relationship with my family. Hoping things will get better without having to talk about it any further because if I mention it its so "Taboo" but if they mention it to me its fine and I just cant say anything back.  I don't want a huge blowout with some of the people that mean the most to me.

Also... my hubby heard from his father recently and I guess he has cancer. I have never met him but have talked to him and he seems like a very nice guy, he may be coming to see us soon. Its always amazing to me that God gives these people who are nice cancer or chronic pain,etc.... not that I wish it on others but seriously its sad to see. I hope that things turn out well for him and the relationship for him and us keeps growing because I feel it would do both parties good.

Praying for everyone to either get their shit together or for things to fall into place for others.

*Birthday Post*

We went up to where the snow was this weekend for my birthday, had my parents watch the kids! It was so nice to have a bit of a break! We even went snow mobiling which was a new thing for me, really fun! The only issue was the Gluten stuff.... I ate regular food over the weekend because it was kind of hard to avoid the gluten and that meant I was in massive pain and in the bathroom for hours.... but other than those hiccups along the way it was very nice.

My brother's birthday is actually a day before mine, so I made sure to give him a card before I left. I haven't heard anything from him about my birthday though... its kind of irritating. I know my birthday is on Valentines Day which makes it so people seem to either remember right off the bat because its on this day or they forget because they are so wrapped up in their own stuff. Considering his is the day before mine and stuff though, its like, really you couldn't have sent me a quick email!? Things like this kind of upset me when there is more going on behind the scenes. I get on FB hoping to see just even one happy birthday, and nada. Kind of bummed me out.... these are the moments I am like maybe I will just delete everyone since I hate FB anyways and the only reason I add people is because they add me first, and are usually family but I mainly use FB for different groups. I guess they still have all day....its just nice to be thought of by people when I go out of my way to make them happy for their birthdays or whatnot.

Ive always hated having my birthday on Valentines Day... which most people assume and say to me "Oh you get double I bet!"... no. Its not that hubby doesn't do great things or anything because as I said we had our weekend retreat and it was great. Its that on everyone else's birthday they are celebrating THEIR day, everywhere they go its about them, they can get special deals-whatnots. For me its super busy restaurants, women all around me getting flowers,candies,cards, and its not "special". I am not a center of attention kind of person usually, but on my birthday its just nice to be acknowledged.

So anyways that is my birthday rant! I need to get back on track with my workouts since I skipped 2 days over the weekend. I am dreading it but i know its good for me! Here I go!

Weight Scale of DOOM

I just had to post first thing this morning because that is when I always weigh-in. I'm glad I didn't post  yesterday when I was all excited that I had lost a total of 8lbs since the beginning of the regimen... because now I have gained 4 of those pounds back magically. I am so angry. I am angry because I have been working my ass off! I have been pushing myself because I thought if I did more than I should than I would get better/sooner results. It doesn't matter how often I work out I still don't lose very much weight, or it comes back(what feels like)a second later. I'm following everything to a T and yet here I am struggling. I have this weird massive headache that had begun in the middle of the night last night and I'm pretty sure its from doing too much. What do I have to do to lose some weight around here?!

 I have seen it done, hubby lost 70lbs last year! He doesn't have chronic pain or the issues I do and hasn't been on Lupron in the past(which I know makes this harder) but geez. I feel like throwing in the flag. I haven't even given myself a day of rest for probably 4-5 days because as I said in my previous post my birthday is on Monday and I know there will be lots of "cheat" foods. As I keep seeing my scale go back though it makes me feel like I don't deserve a good cake or anything but a salad on our fun weekend. I know I shouldn't be weighing everyday and usually I don't but since I had 2 hardcore workouts in a couple days I thought I HAD to be thinner! nope.

I have a friend who I had just talked to about this and she has Fibro and other conditions and has told me it doesn't matter that she eats small portions and eats pretty healthy, or even walking here or there... she cant lose more than like 5-10lbs. I'm scared the same thing is happening to me. I have heard of other women who took Lupron, that for years until it was really out of their system, they couldn't lose significant weight. I know my stuff is messed up but this is out of control. I am nauseous so I don't even want to eat at this point... hoping I can get through the 3 mile walk/jog with my mom. I need some support...some guidance.

Gluten-Free Haze

Ive been meaning to post about this since figuring out I was Gluten free but it seems like almost everyday I find something that I messed up on and had a tiny bit of Gluten that causes pain... so felt like I shouldn't. But now I realize that this seems to be the normal thing for people to experience when they first HAVE to start eating this way.

I knew there was Gluten in soy sauce so I had picked some up from this small store about an hour away that is made with coconut enzymes or something, haven't tried it yet but it was lower sodium than the other one. But it seems like each day I look into the fridge or try and figure out what to plan out for dinner there is gluten in every damn marinade, sauce, anything.... Then I have to pour the whatever it happens to be that day down the drain. Its hard, I'm not a waster. Plus, to buy the GF version of foods/sauces its much more expensive and its smaller sizes too.

After the super bowl on Sunday, my husband really wanted some pizza and I had been craving some too and since that was my "cheat" day to eat something with a bit more carbs, I was in! We go to order somewhere in our small town(we have like 4 pizza places)... none do GF. So... we looked online to see who even has GF, a couple places about an hour away. Again more expensive for the smaller size of pizza, then it was like ok you have the Gluten crust figured out but is this or that ingredient ok? Is that sauce ok? It was totally mind boggling to where I had to just say, YOU DO IT! I will admit that was a bit of a toddler move to just up and leave the room, but it is so frustrating to be trying to be low carb-Paleo then finding out now it also needs to aim towards GF. Eventually, we went and got the pizza... I was going to post a picture because of the huge dilemma and the expense of it.... but hubby ate it! I'm super sensitive to smell/taste of things so it was ok, but the smell of the different flour kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

I feel like we really cannot go many places to eat because of me, I mean in seasonings alone you can get screwed over and Id be doubled over in pain afterwards. Its that insane! I want a Chinese restaurant to at least have the option for GF soy sauce or Teriyaki sauce.

I talked to the owner of the small GF store I mentioned earlier. I asked him questions about the products whats good, whats better? I told him how I feel lost in this and am also doing Paleo-low carb and how I can skip bread but for majority of GF foods, sauces, etc.... you aren't in a very low carb category. He replied with "Yes its nearly impossible to be low carb and do GF." At this point its like I like losing weight  and I need to... not want... need. But if I am always eating gluten and cant get a handle on what is and isn't GF, then I will be in more pain again and wont be working out like I am able to currently.Yet if I am not losing weight because I cant follow the diet I WANT to follow(Paleo-low carb...IE easier than GF) then I will be discouraged there as well. Not sure what I can do about this. For right now I am going to try and keep doing what I am doing, hopefully with less gluten mistakes now that I know more about the sauces/seasonings.

I am also doing workouts pretty much everyday sometimes with a day of rest in between. Let me tell you, it is like torture to my body. I thought I was in pain before but now... its astounding the pain that comes after. Yet I keep getting told I just need to lose weight... well lets see how much it really helps! I am doing Zumba and alternating it with 2-3 mile walk/jog's. I think I may have to cut back to more rest days soon but since my birthday is coming up and I know there will be some serious carbs happening I just want to keep going until then.. until Monday.  Have you ever had to pick your leg up to move it using your arm? It makes you look like such a weirdo but hey when ya cant even move it... ya gotta do what ya gotta do! I feel like a fool doing this because deep down I know I am doing too much but I feel like I am letting everyone down if I don't... even myself. For some reason even though I hurt and I am doing this to myself by working out, it makes me feel like I look like one of those self-harm people.... they do it because they want to show their pain on the outside. Kind of the same I guess because we are considered to have "Invisible Disabilities" and when you overdo it working out(or doing whatever) you are limping, picking up your legs using your arms,etc.

I need a good massage.... and a good nights rest. I know neither of those things are going to happen anytime soon so I'm just going to do what I am doing and hope it does me well.

Bring on the Empowerment

Each day is a new day, for a new beginning or an end to a relationship. I am getting to a point between the torturous pain-inducing workouts, figuring out Gluten free with no help, and many smaller things in the mix.... to where I want to scream at people who are bitching about insignificant things. Or people who don't give a crap about anyone but themselves or choosing their brand new girlfriends over their children or their family, its sickening and I want to yell at them. WHAT IS SO HARD?! I don't expect anyone to hold my hand through every barrel of shit that gets thrown at me but to show me the respect of a call/email returned would show much improvement.

I get so sick of being taken advantage of or being put in weird situations of not being able to defend myself because I shouldn't ruin an event(holidays, get together's, etc). But at this point its a matter of keeping my sanity. Even if everyone gets mad at me(except hubby) because I just have to tell it how it is instead of sugar coating the bullshit.... I think I'm just going to go for it. As they say "You cant polish a Turd."

When someone tells my child to/not to do something when I am right there by them, I will proceed to tell them that I GOT THIS. If someone offers to help me figure out why I'm not losing weight when it works for everyone else and I must be doing something wrong and then doesn't even bother to email me back after I make a 20minute chart they ask for.... I will go on to ask them What their deal is?!

I don't understand why people who have cell phones attached to their hands 24/7 in front of us, expect us to believe that they didn't get our call or they just haven't checked their email.... yeah right! I am the kind of person who considers it a matter of respect if you're online or have your phone all the time and I know it, that you get back to me within a week before I get irritated. Especially if I am doing YOU a favor anytime soon. People that I know don't get online much or are not Internet savvy I don't blame so much, but ya can still pick up a phone. I probably come off very needy in this post but in reality I am laid back just don't like getting treated like I don't exist and then if I give the person a taste of their own medicine they have the gall to get mad at me.

I am getting my ME back. I am going to the place where I am sensitive to other people to a certain point. I understand things come up but I also know what it is to be stepped on. Whether friend, family, whatever... its just not going to fly anymore. My body is physically worn out from trying to mend my own health problems/lose weight along with the stress of trying to please everyone so no one gets hurt yet trying to fix their issues when they think their perfect. You just cant fix denial, they have to want to change and do it themselves. You for damn sure cant fix stupidity.

Ah yes, Cousin Red...

Oh the days of nausea are back. I so hate this, and I hate people's reaction to it. Its always them starting off with "are you pregnant?!" No. I'm not. Thanks for asking and making me freak out a little in my head even though this nausea is a constant thing.

For me it works out like this, go to bed feeling decently(pain still usually there). Then I take Melatonin for sleep now before bed so I am passing out on the couch because I am so tired from it. In the wee hours of the morning I wake up to go potty because at some point during one of laproscopies for Endo someone HAD to have nicked something because my pee schedule is not normal and wont ever be.  Anyhow when I go back to bed after getting up to potty, I am feeling kind of like puking but eventually my tiredness takes over and I fall back asleep. Not for long.... every so often I wake up and look at the clock and still feel ill. Its almost like I am nervous about something but I'm not thinking about anything. Now I wake up and just fight from getting sick.... I don't understand this, its making me mad. One thing I hate more than pain oddly enough is the nausea.

Ive had this issue since I was about 14 or so. I would at that age get up feel the same symptoms and try to go to school. Puke in my brothers car all over myself on the way there(it ended up being like mucus not even vomit) and then he would have to loan me his sweatshirt if I forgot to bring an extra shirt. I looked like a ghost because of how sick I was. Then at about 10-11am I was fine, it all went away. Then the next day it would be the same battle, it was a seasonal thing every couple seasons it would happen. Now its not seasonal its almost all the time with a break here or there. I remember my mom finally asking me if I was pregnant at 15 when it kept happening, and I had never even had sex.... so awkward. I was taken to the doctor to see what was going on... they didn't really take many tests and the doctor assumed I must have anxiety problems and put me on an anti-depressant which introduced me to depression.

I have noticed now that I am off my continuous birth control pills my hormones had seemed to be leveling more. But yesterday I got my Cousin Red, I realized that's probably half of the reason the last couple of days Ive been so down and angry.... Like an epiphany it hit me. I need to look into some herbal remedies for PMS or PMDD now because I think with having been on Lupron and how that messed up my body so badly and just different hormone things with Endo in general I need to figure something out.

I would like to add I re-made my GF lemon poppy seed muffins last night, they turned out amazing! And I made a orange muffin since some people cannot have poppy seeds. We are going to sit at home and watch football today, GO GREEN BAY! My parents are going to come over and we're going to eat Chinese food. Today is my cheat day for food(paleo) the only thing that sucks is that I have yet to find a small town Chinese restaurant that even knows about Gluten free soy sauce or this coconut alternative one. So I will be in pain later. Still getting the hang of this GF thing.

Anger by Muffin...

I cannot describe how angry I am about my GF mini lemon poppy seed muffins, yes it comes off a little random or like "Really THAT is your biggest issue?!" but it was just the cherry on top of my day.

I had another argument with hubby for the 2nd day in a row... when that happens and it concerns stuff with my health or me needing help its a big thing for me to get over, even when the fight is. We talked it out finally but as I tried explaining to him, I am so deeply sad lately and the things that keep happening are just taking me over. I told him how I feel so alone no matter who is around and how it really doesn't help to talk to people who aren't going through it too. He kept saying Sorry and I finally had to tell him to stop apologizing because he wasn't doing anything wrong at this point, he sees me in pain but he just cannot ever fully "get" what I'm going through, and I wouldn't wish that on him.

He is the only one I really let into this deep darkness in full truth and even then sometimes I keep some of it to myself. I know my parents care about me and all but I feel like sometimes I wish they would pick up on things when clearly I am not ok but its coming off as though they just don't have time or don't notice. Even then I think they notice sometimes and just don't say anything to me about because last time I saw my father he said "You seem happier than last time, more positive." Which I was at the time but its like if you notice these things why not try and talk to me or ask me if I am ok even? It makes me isolate myself, to the point where by the time people reach out to me.... I'm tapped out.

This was today... then I decided to make some of these muffins since I had bought some poppy seeds from this organic place and it sounded super yummy. Well since the last muffins a couple days ago went in the oven for 20-25 minutes and they had coconut flour also... for some reason my mind skipped what it said
(8-10minutes) and put it in for 23minutes. When I opened the oven they were so brown. I want to remake them but I don't have anymore lemon for the zest, and I'm just so bummed out. This was supposed to cheer me up and make me feel like less of a freak and a failure... but now I feel worse. I thought I was going to cry.... yep that's right because of burnt muffins. I think you must be pretty bad off if you're going to cry about muffins.

Oh. And I fired my attorney today. Now I have to see what the hell I am doing with someone else or just give up and have no fucking money.... Its amazing how I am trying to get better and yet still the government isn't willing to help... wait .... I mean just give me MY money I paid into the system when I was able to work!

Losing my sanity and strength to keep dealing with any this.

Healthy changes for longer ages...

I have to say today was a VERY trying day on me. I was/am pretty depressed about everything that we keep getting hit with and in general me just feeling very alone in all of my Plethora of "THINGS". I went on a walk today with my husband and from the minute we got there it was just kind of a negative energy and I will take the blame for that. He said a couple things to me that may or may not have been taken out of context, my memory sucks so I cant be expected to remember everything so I forgive and literally forget.

I got a call a day ago from my lawyer who I'm not sure if I am going to keep around or not. My first appt with her halfway through she says to me, "Ok, its been 20minutes, you seem ok to me???" and I had to explain myself and how I manage to control my movements when I am in public or around people I am not comfortable showing my pain to(plus I look like a tweaker if I'm moving every 2 seconds) and the fact that I am so fucking used to acting like everything is ok. Afterwards she just tells me how I should just do what I need to do and all this other crap. She had not even looked through all my records. She has said that because my rheum doctor didn't say his wording right that SS could say I didn't have Fibro. I told her even my new family doctor said there really are not definite tests for it so anyone could argue you do or don't have it. Then the lawyer tells me that my fibro case probably wont be applicable, but that she would tell me how much I would get a month(she estimated 100-200 bucks a month) even though I have worked a crap load... I felt like she was saying that just because I am youngish. As I said I talked to her a day ago and she says I would get close to 500bucks... that's a big difference to me... that IS worth fighting for! Again she says the fibro isn't worth it though... and I say what about my Endo? She asks if I have any papers showing I get medical treatment for this and I'm like UHHH... YAH! Considering I have had 4 surgeries and one last year in fact! Are you kidding me? From what my husband says she doesn't seem like she that interested in the case or doesn't care much... and my friend who referred me to that office(not her specifically though, she had someone else) even said she sounded like she was judging me from the get go. I hate how being a nice person gets me no where, I always thought it was better to use honey not vinegar?

That whole thing is a stressor that just makes me feel gross having to go sign a paper to release her and then get another lawyer and ask for help again, which was hard enough the first time.....

I went back to bed once we got home and just let the depression and alone feeling take over me. Was it the best thing to do? Probably not, but its better getting down here or there than ALWAYS being down. Once we finally talked a bit more he was about to leave for work and he said all of these great things to me that just made me feel so loved and great that I couldn't help but cry into his shirt. That's all I wanted... those words.

Nevertheless, I still felt downer. I decided that I was going to go to town and get all the fixings for an amazing salad and roasted chicken, AND coconut milk ice cream(gluten free, low glycemic index). I was actually really proud of myself that I chose that stuff over going and getting fast food(the easier approach) or even ice cream at some place that would've been full of sugar and bad things. What a change I am making to myself! Even though I have not lost more than 5ish lbs that seem to keep flip flopping back and forth, I don't care... as long as I know I am being healthy and doing the best I can for my body. I know some people wondered why I haven't lost a bunch of weight like "normals" lose when they choose to eat healthy or whatever but it just doesn't work like that for me. I'm sure people look at me like yeah sure she is eating healthy in front of us but I bet when she gets home she is going to go food crazy... but I don't. I eat my multiple small healthy meals throughout the day and a couple of healthy snacks.

Even though times are tough, I will go on, and so will everyone else.

Nerves and Nausea

So the day started off at my parents house since I stayed over last night, I am always trying all of these new healthy recipes, always searching for more each week to keep things different. The last time I went over to their house I made this really good and different chicken thing, plus I don't really eat beef very often anymore because it grosses me out so I am pretty much looking for chicken or veggie recipes. Anyhow- I made this one recipe, it was ok but it wasn't like I would make it again because there are far better ones out there so I kind of felt like that was a letdown. But I had made some coconut flour mini carrot cake muffins that turned out really great and fully "legal" as we like to say at our house when you're eating healthy. It really put me in this great mood that Ive been baking and in general trying all of these new amazing recipes for the gluten free, low carb, detox stuff. I have some hopes and dreams again, its all coming back to me now!

My mom and I went out to lunch which was nice but for some reason my Endo pain is just kicking my butt. I was in the middle of this amazing bacon and spinach salad when my pain kept getting worse and worse, it was to the point where I could feel like face getting hotter and redder. I had even put on a thermacare heat patch thing but it wasn't touching the pain. Plus I don't have any meds and am kind of screwed on that whole front. When I feel like that, I always end up in the bathroom I feel the need. So there was a lady in there before me in the other stall which was very awkward because it was dead silent... she was obviously pooping and I was not sure what was happening with me so we kept on taking turns flushing just so it wasn't silent in there, which was kind of humorous because we didn't speak any words the whole time. Eventually, I got out of there and felt a bit better but still pain. My mom was getting her jacket on and said how she was about to come check on me because I was in there so long... which I didn't even realize. We went for a short walk before my appt next to this amazing view of the piers, but again I had to cut it even shorter than expected because I was just in so much pain again once we started walking.

The dermatologist office called yesterday and asked if I wanted to come in today instead of waiting a couple weeks and I said yes of course! As for the Derm appt today, I was pretty much terrified of getting anything biopsied because I'm a wimp when I know something is coming. I can handle all the surgeries in the world but say I need a blood draw or your going to stick some kind of needle in me and NO THANKS! But if its necessary then I will do it, and I don't complain I just get super anxious and feel like vomiting. I knew he wouldn't like the looks of the ones on my feet, one is on the bottom of my foot which all of them seemed to be freaked out by... I'm thinking must be kind of rare to see. The other was on the other foot and used to look like a moon since I was a kid and now is gross and raised, sick looking. Then he did a mole check, talk about up close and personal for a first doc visit but hey at least its not a Pelvic Exam! He shined this light all over and checked everything, I showed him one on my neck I had worried about but my family doctor had said it was nothing, well the Derm said it was something and wanted that one biopsied too... and another one on top of that. So 4 to be biopsied... I am nervous. He said he would've done them today but he was going to be out of town the rest of this week or next or something like that, and that foot biopsies can get infected much easier than other places on the body and he wants me to be able to get ahold of him.... another thing that freaks me out. Plus he tells me that its rare but with the one that's on the bottom of my foot, once it gets biopsied it could get a scar tissue thing where I will always feel that when I step... which whatever as long as I can get my shoes on!

I don't know much about Moles or things like that but it does freak me out. I have known people who had one mole biopsied and were flipping their lids... so I feel like am I overreacting or do I have a right to be worried? Yes I know I cannot control the situation only God controls the situations and life in general... but still. I am a bundle of nerves and feel like my family is looking at me like I'm nuts. We shall see what God has in store for this lady right here in a couple weeks or so.

Un-Enjoyment... oh I mean Unemployment

So since yesterday as my post showed, I was kind of down questioning things and relationship with people. As the rest of the day went by my anger faded but was still a bit sad. I left it to the situation I am in and how I am trying so hard and not seeing too many results yet. Besides on the Gluten free thing, I can tell because I'm not as bloated but its not like Ive lost a bunch of weight or anything. Its still going to take some getting used to because I forget so many things have Gluten in them.

Anyhow-- so I did my Zumba dance workout last night because I missed my opportunity during the day to do the other stuff I had wanted to do. I felt pretty accomplished after finishing the workout though, got my sweat on! I think I probably did overdo it this time though because I was massively sore a couple hours later and that is my sign. Next time I will cut it back by a song, and hope that I can keep working my way up instead of backwards.                           

                                                                         

I called my husband at some point yesterday and he tells me that probably in the next couple weeks to month he had asked his boss and hours are being cut back... again. He was laid off from December 2009 to about August of 2010 so it was about a year, very rough. We always had to borrow money from our parents for groceries and such, its embarrassing. When he got back to work end of August he was working a lot, then they cut the hours back to like 2 days a week which is pretty much just like being on unemployment or as we like to say un-enjoyment. Then they rear back up to full time and some... the company gypped him out of part of his pay for all his OT and the union is dealing with that but now again instead of slowing down to a steady pace they still have them all going full steam ahead and then are going to be barely working soon. We are thankful that he has a job, but to keep going like this is rough. I don't want to have to keep asking family for money and especially now that I cannot go back to eating Gluten and things that are typically cheaper foods. I'm sure some of you are thinking, save up then when he is working. BUT due to him being laid off for so long we had to put stuff on credit cards(not massive but enough!) and we are paying off all our bills before we do anything else so ya really cant save or we can save the money and just pay minimum payments on the cards which is what husband wants to do.

Its so amazing to me because this morning I remember thinking.... "If I have one more major thing happen, like someone dies or anymore job issues, I think I may have a mental break!" Well I am not there yet but I think that's just because nothing has happened yet for sure.... I am just so anxious that I could be vomit. As his wife I want to step up and say that's ok I can go to my old flower shop and ask to work part time.... but their part time is still like 8hr days just a couple times a week and I need more like 4 hour days. But its hard makes me feel like I should be doing more when I know in reality its next to impossible. I will say though, I have overcome impossible standards before in my life and think maybe I am due for some more.