Been a WHILE...

I havent really posted for a while. At this point its hard NOT to be negative and since I am trying to turn it around and make myself ok I didnt want to post for a while and give all of my negative crap to anyone else.

So whats new you ask... well my husband has made off comments about wanting another child possibly. And while I always imagined myself with two, I am scared. Why scared you ask? Well because I have gained 80lbs from a drug for Endometriosis that I guess from what I have now learned is still in my system causing me to not lose weight easily and just overall is not good. Didnt realize this when I was trying to get pregnant with my kid... nice huh? The docs dont tell ya that you shouldnt get pregnant within 3 yrs or preferrably 5yrs of being on this drug, and actually they put chicks on this drug to try and get things into order TO get pregnant. Its so weird that they do that knowing what I know. So anyways back to the original question, why am I scared? Also, due to the weight I am scared to gain even an ounce more, I seriously I am about to make some changes as much as I can. Plus the fact that I will be taking care of a toddler AND a newborn... wow. I dont want to be one of those parents who is making their toddler pottytrain even though they clearly are not ready just because they are having another kid and its not convenient for them to change the toddler anymore. So I am just not discussing this with anyone but here really... I figure Ill see what happens this summer, give me about 6 months to make up my mind and see if I can even get pregnant.

Another thing I was thinking about was how crazy it is that even though there are people out there with the same diseases as me(even though each of us has their own experiences just like in life), some of them still feel the need to put themselves above others. Whether it be because they think their pain IS worse than yours, or because they can have more kids, or because they think they handle things better than you in your conditions, or maybe its because they are just jerks not sure. All I know is that I get enough guff from people whether family or friends who are NOT in pain or have chronic pain, that I dont want it from people who should understand me best and not judge me considering I dont judge them. To each their own.

Even though I know its cliche to say because most people do some kind of new years resolution and then give up eventually... I want to change my life. Not thats its horrible or anything but I am planning on doing a hude detox diet thing and detox baths and detox everything, even my attitude.Also I am trying to grow my hair out for a change since its been a while and just overall trying to make things better, dont ask how growing my hair makes me a better person, it just does.

First Day of the rest of my life

I feel like this is a big step for me in the right direction. Too many negative things have been going on for far too long and need to get back into realm of possibilities and hope. I was painting and doing things for myself for a while but eventually life kicked in and I didn't have time for that. Now I am making time! I have started this Paleo diet or rather a better way of eating plus the whole Special K for breakfast which really is just cornflakes I think. Plus now I am doing Pilate's and doing Zumba workouts, already lost 7lbs and hopes I can keep it up. Not to whine or anything but gee, I wish the pain would stop! It makes me feel so good mentally to work out and do this all for me.... but once the pain kicks in I sit there wondering why did I do this to myself? Will I really make myself go through this again tomorrow?

Then I do. I am addicted to trying to fix my flaws. I mean my husband already puts up with me being moody and not able to do much around the house at least I could look nice right? Why not?!  Plus...honestly, it would be kind of nice to loose a bunch of weight and then back to the doctors that said, "If you lose weight, the pain will disappear!" and rub their noses in it when I am still in pain but look hot. I will ask them what now? What is your magical 'cure' this time?

I think any person who deals with chronic pain can understand a place where you want to better yourself but at some point it ends up feeling like torture if the things you need to do causes you more pain. This is the reason in the past it hasn't worked for me, but I feel good about this go-around! I feel like with support from my family and friends I could really do it. I may be in pain but at least I will look good... that's what is important now-a-days right? Isn't that what I have been hearing so much about?