Deep dark thoughts

I am currently having a lot of emotions and I know it is in part to do with female hormones, mine are for sure messed up! I am not having thoughts of suicide or anything but more thoughts of if one more thing happens I am going to have a nervous break. Ive felt like that for a while now, even when there was a little less going on(there is always something)I just cannot escape that drowning above water feeling. Its like I'm screaming, waving my arms in the air... people are around but they don't care enough or they are too busy to care.

To me, being too busy should not be associated with the ability to care about someone. It has nothing to do with one another. If someone is important enough you will make some time at one point, even if its a quick email or call. The people that are caring(or coming off as caring) are some of the people that others are saying I should not be associated with, they are horrible etc etc. Yet the people telling me how horrible others are, are the ones who don't seem to give a crap about me. Ironic...hypocritical maybe? I think so.

I called M today because she is going to watch my kid for an hour while I have my moles biopsied tomorrow, needed to verify everything. Things have gotten even more weird, it seems now she is B's messenger. It really pisses me off and I said a couple things but they were avoided, which is rare to see in her. She asked something about what was all going on? I said nothing.... just same old crap and some new. She asked what? I told her about the braces thing because I had emailed the place that I had previously had braces from and asked if they could help me out since we had paid lots of money to fix my teeth, and they said they would have a consult for me. I told M that I am going to call but I want to verify what exactly they are willing to do for me about this before I bother to go in, considering they have gotten our money before. She agreed. Asked what else was going on? I said nothing... she kept bugging me.... I gave little tidbits of other things that really are not even bugging me. Then she didn't ask anything more. I feel like she doesn't think anything is going on between us, which is odd since I feel it so much. Oh well, maybe it will get brought up tomorrow. I told hubby that if she does anymore messenger crap for B, I am going to pick up the phone and bitch out B right in front of M then proceed to tell M that she is now not the messenger anymore and I don't want to hear anymore about it.

I just don't like being told who I can and cannot talk to or what we can or cannot talk about. I live in a country where we have free speech, and I am an adult, I'm not an idiot either so that should pretty much tell them I'm not going to mess up my life or theirs by talking to someone for an hour. No wonder why I don't bother to make new friends or go out of my way to meet anyone, because the more people in your life the more complicated it all gets. For me, I can barely handle the group I have now... why would I add more crap to that?! I will stick to my online people I meet who are more supportive of me and my health issues than most of the people in my real life family/friends.