I guess its not bad enough that I deal with chronic pain, am not able to follow my dreams/goals as I had hoped, and have big old drama going on. I had a dentist appt today for a cleaning, I had one cavity which I kind of figured its been years since having one and this tooth was on the "watch list" for a while, and it was becoming increasing sensitive. I have some kind of tiny cracks in my enamel that I asked about and basically its because I grind(I wonder why!?) and because my bottom teeth are not aligned with my top ones which stayed straight due to a permanent retainer. These bottom teeth are more crowded than before I had braces, it sucks. I was a teen when I had braces and I remember once I got them off I wore my retainers religiously and then would take then in to get tweaked by the Ortho people, the last time I had to go it was so tight it barely fit on the bottom ones, so slowly as the years went by I couldn't fit it on anymore even with wearing it every night. Now the bottom ones are getting grinded by my permanent retainer and top teeth so basically if I don't get bottom braces..again.. it wont get better.
I asked at my appt how much my insurance would cover if I went through their Ortho person, they told me 60%, that should be do-able right? Not if they are wrong... I called my insurance company to make sure I didn't have any other Ortho options and they proceed to tell me, they don't cover anything for adults for that type of stuff. Great.
I wish I wouldn't have been so afraid as a teen to speak up and say this barely fits but I didn't want them to think I was being a wuss or trying to tell them how to do their job and I hated going there anyways... so as it got the point of not fitting at all, I didn't dare show up and ask for help when I was younger because I was so scared they would say it was MY fault and accuse me of not wearing my retainer. Believe it or not I was a very responsible teen and I wanted those braces off and I wanted pretty teeth, and less headaches, so why would I not wear it?! I even wore the God awful headgear when I had braces, if that doesn't show dedication I don't know what does.
Hubby is enrolling in school because he was laid off for a year last year which was really rough, and now this new job is going back and forth with hours. I am proud of him but I am somewhat jealous that he can follow his dreams and do what he wants. Plus it doesn't help that college costs money. I want to take some kind of small culinary classes, not some crazy mainstream yearlong program but something that is new and exciting but to where I could not have to miss too much if I am in pain or whatnot. Maybe one day....
I want to be more like the person I was when I met hubby, I still had pain issues but it was before they got horrific and before I was on Lupron which caused more pain issues. I was fun to be around, more goofy, not afraid of looking dumb, not scared to try something new. I don't know if its because I always think to myself about what is going to cause me lots of pain so I wimp out or if I have just become lame but it needs to end.
I want to be able to sing in the car as loudly as when I am by myself but with a carload of people(if the situation calls for it) without being scared some parts will be out of tune or I will squeak and look silly. I wish I could be the girl who took random road trips to where ever on a whim, just get in the car and lets go. Even if I had ended up somewhere with not much there, I still made the best of it and had fun and took goofy pictures. I do not know what happened to that girl but I want to be her again. I feel like somewhere in between surgery, being lied to and treated like a lab rat with all the meds, gaining so much weight from meds that I have been uncomfortable in my skin suddenly for too long yet there's nothing that helps me lose weight and being told I'm shit out of luck or that no one believes me... or maybe the fact that day in and day out I am in debilitating pain. Who knows?! Either way.... I want to be that girl... maybe a little wiser but nonetheless she was a pretty happy person.
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