I hope I don't sound selfish in this I just need to get it all out.
I do realize I have a child, obviously, I love her more than anything. I always knew I would have 2 kids and maybe even a dog. I remember as a child I would tell my great grandma that I would going to have 20 kids! Obviously, as I grew older my number got smaller and smaller.
Then I found out I had Endometriosis, I was told I had moderate case when I was dx'd but then I kept having surgeries and eventually was conned into Lupron. Like Ive posted before, then all of a sudden it was full body pain, headaches, etc and no relief from endo pain either. My endo was supposed to be in remission but since I was told that I had been on continuous birth control pill's for so long that my risk of the serious, deadly side effects were going up and advised to get off of them. So I did, about 5-6 months ago, I had taken breaks from it to have a period here or there previously but nothing like this.
Now, I have been having the Oh to familiar endo pain feelings, so I am pretty sure its back. My only option is surgery as usual, even then its not effective for that long or they keep looking for other things that have to be causing that pain due to the other treatments not being that effective.
After my 2nd or 3rd(lost track) surgery, I was engaged and told that they weren't sure if we would be able to have kids if we waited too much longer. Given, I was in college at the time, struggling with pain from lupron and endo. We decided to push up our wedding date to within a year of the engagement instead of 2+years so that we could start trying right away. What a great guy, I'm sure he was terrified. It took us longer than we had expected but since we had started early enough, I ended up being a tidbit pregnant by the time the wedding rolled around, which was great and we were so blessed. I was kind of crazy about it because I knew what I wanted, I charted my ovulation, the whole thing!
We were going to get a dog recently and I even had one for the afternoon, kind of a trial type thing. One, the people had saved this dog from certain death(it was their personal dog but they run a rescue) so I felt like I was ripping them apart if I took it and two, I realized I cannot do it. I mean, I have a hard enough time taking care of my child plus my health and then to deal with her messing around with a dog.
It brought me to this realization of... I will never be able to have my 2nd child(or even a dog as a replacement) in 2 different ways, my endometriosis is a very real possibility because of things over the last couple of years with it, and that I am in so much fucking unreal pain I can barely stand it. But I cannot even take the risk of trying to get pregnant because if I did, I know it would be too much.
To some people I know this sounds selfish, I used to think so too when I heard people talk about it being hard that they couldn't have a 2nd or 3rd kid. But to me, the pain is still the same as when I was originally trying to get pregnant the first time.... I didn't know I had not gotten over this dream of mine. I thought I had already convinced myself that we would only have our one child because I am in too much pain and I have endo so who knows, why mess with it? I guess, I want it really badly.
I also know I can try IF(and that's a big fucking IF) I ever feel better for an extended period of time, that I could try then(who knows how old I would be, 80?!).... but my thing with that is everyone in my family who has 2 kids who are 5 or more years apart(like me and my brother) are not close, they end up hating each other, big feuds. So this is my window currently, and its slowly slipping away... because I'm in too much pain and my endo.
Last night I had that deep deep sadness feeling... maybe this is why. Maybe it just took the whole dog replacement child idea to make me realize how sad this makes me. I hope this isn't too offensive to anyone because I know and acknowledge so many of you are trying to have kids. I really do understand it.... I just don't know how to feel better or explain it to people. They look at me like I'm nuts(normals do anyways) when I say how I cant have anymore kids because I'm in too much pain and cant handle it... if I just say we cant have anymore due to fertility issues and leave it at that then they leave me alone.
Its just lonely.
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