Back to being me

I will admit I have been posting more so about my about family drama lately, and apologize for taking up all of your time with mindless chatter during certain times. I have had a really hard time just letting things go. My problem is, I get used to not having certain folks in my life for months/years then... all of the sudden they are back and bringing all their baggage along. Its hard for me to separate myself once they are back, I don't know why because many people I don't really care whether I am around them or not, and some even cause me physical pain with all of their stress.

So... I am getting back to being myself. I am taking long, deep, soothing breaths. I am listening to calm music if I am overwhelmed. I vent to my hubby if I feel like I just cannot get thoughts out of my head without talking about it. I need to be more Zen again. I like when I am that carefree chick who just has my own set of issues(mainly health) to focus on, because for anyone... that is enough to worry about! I need to come off to other people as if I don't care(even if something is currently irritating me) because I feel like eventually my own "its cool" attitude wears off on myself.

So far I haven't made myself all cutesy today because I feel like hell. I did make a new cupcake recipe yesterday(GF of course!) and the cupcake itself is not what I was looking for... the consistency is all wrong. That rubbed me the wrong way, because you spend a decent amount of money on GF flour/etc and then it goes wrong...plus I have this attitude when cooking of "how could it have gone wrong?! I am a great baker/cook!" The little bit of perfectionist that I am, is all about how I cook/bake for others and I love to bask in their compliments. I made up for it in a simple fruit jello salad thing, and some taco dip... very simple but all the easier not to mess up on! I made dinner tonight and had Hobo Dinner, its a favorite of mine which I keep coming back to when I don't know what else to make.

I am sick of being in pain today, rather negative energy happening right now but I think its because of my nervousness for tomorrow's biopsy. In one instance, because I have been dealing with pain/health problems for far too long for my age I almost hope they find something so they can remove it, treat it, and I can finally feel good again. BUT at the same time I am scared they will find something too serious and I don't want to die or anything. Not sure if that sounds odd... but that's just how I am feeling right now.