I know I am in a downward spiral of depression due to me not recovering from the accident like a normal person would. I sit here and think, when I get off of the meds the doc gave me for this accident I will still be in horrific pain from the accident+Fibro/other conditions and it sucks. This is why I don't take pain meds or muscle relaxers because you cannot stay on them forever even though you wish there was some way you could because that's the only time you feel halfway normal with all the pain you deal with on a daily basis.
There is even more bad family news for hubby and the fact that I almost died in a car crash, I think he is a bit stressed out. I feel for him. I don't know how to make things better, I cant make myself healthy or his other family members that are sick, better.
Before the accident last week, I had been telling him how I wanted to invite everyone over and just have a party. We couldn't figure out a reason, now I have one I think... I am alive, whats better than that?!
The other issue making me depressed is the fact that my husband and best friend are the only ones who seem to take this whole thing seriously... I could be dead. I am scared to drive. I keep having flashbacks and shopping for a car online/or in person is terrifying because that means I will have to drive... but I have appts and things that I need to be driving for. Its upsetting. Its amazing I walked away with only a slight concussion and muscle strain to my left side of my body.... I am truly blessed but it doesn't mean that because you cant see glass shards all over or a clearly broken arm, that I am not scared or hurt or that I could've been gone. Again it comes to invisible diseases/invisible conditions/invisible pain. I feel like certain people saw me after and are like oh, never mind I thought it was serious. Well they had to use the jaws of life to get me out, and I consider that serious but I guess others don't.
Like 2 days after the accident, I was at home with hubby and M had called, she was asking hubby a bunch of questions about things that I had said to D on the way home from the hospital. I was all full of adrenaline and the fact that I was coming to a realization that I may have not been here, I was asking D for ways to connect with M about everything going on with her and the stuff involving B. He said he got where I was coming from and didn't know what to say to help. Well... when M showed up at my house with D, she told me he had said how I went off on some crazy tangent about B and M. Would've been nice if he couldve said that to my face. Plus the fact that bringing this up when I am on a bunch of meds and trying to recover from a concussion, it was seriously ridiculous to bring it up right now. It got into a huge "thing" and I left the room because I couldn't handle it. I honestly don't feel like my relationship with any of them will ever be the same. I feel so deeply alone(especially when hubby is at work) that its just pitiful. Makes me feel like, why did I live through that crash? Obviously, I am here for a reason, I just wish I knew why. I cannot handle anymore relationships where people don't care about me or they are always putting themselves into things that aren't their business.
I used to be this open book to almost everyone, and I find myself down becoming withdrawn and closed off to almost everyone. I don't like being this person but its hard when you feel like the people who were closest to you(besides hubby) just aren't in the battle anymore... you realize they gave up long ago on you and your health problems.. and those other problems... well forget those! My mission is to keep doing what I am doing, if I don't want to talk to someone I don't have to feel like I need to pick up the phone, if someone is pissing me off I don't have to pretend like I am ok, I will say something. Most of all, I will do whatever is best for me and my health... and I want to live my life to the fullest because who knows how much longer we all have.
2 comments:
Oh my. I haven't been blogging these last weeks and I was shocked to read of your accident. Thank G-d you weren't any more injured than you are.
Of course you are a wreck. You were in one! Give yourself some time to rest. You should allow yourself to be a mess at least for awhile.
And it's ok to be a melancholy princess as well. At least that's what I tell myself. Better than a depressed skank right? ;)
Gentle hugs and many prayers for you. And rest rest rest!
Thank you, yes I was very lucky. What you said is all true... I need to give myself some time, even if others dont want to give me any.
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