Down and out

I am not feeling my usual spunky self. I am letting my pain conditions get to me.

I went to the dentist today and had to have something done, and while I was there I asked about things I can do for my TMJ since my insurance isn't answering them about a night guard for grinding. Pretty much nothing.... ok. I will probably end up going to the store and buying one of those ridiculously large ones. Its just a reminder to me how messed up my body has gotten since being on Lupron. Before that drug, I had Endo pain(and still do, probably worse) but that was it, I didn't have TMJ, chronic headaches, CFS, or Fibromyalgia. I didn't have this body that I have now... I am learning to embrace it but its hard when everyone else around you is losing weight with diets or walking and while I HAVE been doing that for much longer, there are no damn results. Some people assume that its not the drug which peeves me even more because I know who I was and what was going on up until being on it. Especially since I have talked to hundreds of other women who have the same exact issues within the same guidelines.

I find myself today getting depressed easily. I told hubby that I felt like crying but didn't know why, just felt a deep deep profound sadness within.... and such a nice guy... he called me(then his phone died), even so very nice. I have read other blogs about health issues tonight about bad things which of course remind me of my fight and how long and drug out it is, and reading how other people don't know how much more they can take... its hard to know what to say because I feel the exact same way... I don't know the answer. Then I read the positive ones about chronic pain as well, even those tonight make me sad because I think of WHY, why do we have to fight?! Why is it so hard for us? Cant we catch a break? How long are we supposed to keep up a facade that everything will be fine, when we don't know if it will be.

I'm overly emotional, I know. I see it, I cannot rationalize it... but I keep coming back to it. I want to call my mom and cry.... and ask when its going to get better. Yet I don't, because I know what it will be. "You have such a good life, you JUST need to lose weight and you'll feel better, go use a heating pad, that's all you can do." I don't know what I want from people when I am upset, I just know its not that. I think I just want to reinforcement of, yes this sucks, yes this isn't fair, BUT I am here for you even if we don't say anything to each other I will be a shoulder to cry on.

I feel like I have been that for other people... I keep waiting...expecting my turn for someone to my crying shoulder person. Ugh...

Waiting for my biopsy results still. I was always told no news from a doctors office is good news but in this case he is the only one to read the result so it could be something and I would just not know it because he is out of town. I'm sure everything is fine with the biopsies though, that is the one thing I bet is just fine and was probably not needed.... ha ha.... ugh.

Dammit.