Healthy changes for longer ages...

I have to say today was a VERY trying day on me. I was/am pretty depressed about everything that we keep getting hit with and in general me just feeling very alone in all of my Plethora of "THINGS". I went on a walk today with my husband and from the minute we got there it was just kind of a negative energy and I will take the blame for that. He said a couple things to me that may or may not have been taken out of context, my memory sucks so I cant be expected to remember everything so I forgive and literally forget.

I got a call a day ago from my lawyer who I'm not sure if I am going to keep around or not. My first appt with her halfway through she says to me, "Ok, its been 20minutes, you seem ok to me???" and I had to explain myself and how I manage to control my movements when I am in public or around people I am not comfortable showing my pain to(plus I look like a tweaker if I'm moving every 2 seconds) and the fact that I am so fucking used to acting like everything is ok. Afterwards she just tells me how I should just do what I need to do and all this other crap. She had not even looked through all my records. She has said that because my rheum doctor didn't say his wording right that SS could say I didn't have Fibro. I told her even my new family doctor said there really are not definite tests for it so anyone could argue you do or don't have it. Then the lawyer tells me that my fibro case probably wont be applicable, but that she would tell me how much I would get a month(she estimated 100-200 bucks a month) even though I have worked a crap load... I felt like she was saying that just because I am youngish. As I said I talked to her a day ago and she says I would get close to 500bucks... that's a big difference to me... that IS worth fighting for! Again she says the fibro isn't worth it though... and I say what about my Endo? She asks if I have any papers showing I get medical treatment for this and I'm like UHHH... YAH! Considering I have had 4 surgeries and one last year in fact! Are you kidding me? From what my husband says she doesn't seem like she that interested in the case or doesn't care much... and my friend who referred me to that office(not her specifically though, she had someone else) even said she sounded like she was judging me from the get go. I hate how being a nice person gets me no where, I always thought it was better to use honey not vinegar?

That whole thing is a stressor that just makes me feel gross having to go sign a paper to release her and then get another lawyer and ask for help again, which was hard enough the first time.....

I went back to bed once we got home and just let the depression and alone feeling take over me. Was it the best thing to do? Probably not, but its better getting down here or there than ALWAYS being down. Once we finally talked a bit more he was about to leave for work and he said all of these great things to me that just made me feel so loved and great that I couldn't help but cry into his shirt. That's all I wanted... those words.

Nevertheless, I still felt downer. I decided that I was going to go to town and get all the fixings for an amazing salad and roasted chicken, AND coconut milk ice cream(gluten free, low glycemic index). I was actually really proud of myself that I chose that stuff over going and getting fast food(the easier approach) or even ice cream at some place that would've been full of sugar and bad things. What a change I am making to myself! Even though I have not lost more than 5ish lbs that seem to keep flip flopping back and forth, I don't care... as long as I know I am being healthy and doing the best I can for my body. I know some people wondered why I haven't lost a bunch of weight like "normals" lose when they choose to eat healthy or whatever but it just doesn't work like that for me. I'm sure people look at me like yeah sure she is eating healthy in front of us but I bet when she gets home she is going to go food crazy... but I don't. I eat my multiple small healthy meals throughout the day and a couple of healthy snacks.

Even though times are tough, I will go on, and so will everyone else.