I had another argument with hubby for the 2nd day in a row... when that happens and it concerns stuff with my health or me needing help its a big thing for me to get over, even when the fight is. We talked it out finally but as I tried explaining to him, I am so deeply sad lately and the things that keep happening are just taking me over. I told him how I feel so alone no matter who is around and how it really doesn't help to talk to people who aren't going through it too. He kept saying Sorry and I finally had to tell him to stop apologizing because he wasn't doing anything wrong at this point, he sees me in pain but he just cannot ever fully "get" what I'm going through, and I wouldn't wish that on him.
He is the only one I really let into this deep darkness in full truth and even then sometimes I keep some of it to myself. I know my parents care about me and all but I feel like sometimes I wish they would pick up on things when clearly I am not ok but its coming off as though they just don't have time or don't notice. Even then I think they notice sometimes and just don't say anything to me about because last time I saw my father he said "You seem happier than last time, more positive." Which I was at the time but its like if you notice these things why not try and talk to me or ask me if I am ok even? It makes me isolate myself, to the point where by the time people reach out to me.... I'm tapped out.
This was today... then I decided to make some of these muffins since I had bought some poppy seeds from this organic place and it sounded super yummy. Well since the last muffins a couple days ago went in the oven for 20-25 minutes and they had coconut flour also... for some reason my mind skipped what it said
(8-10minutes) and put it in for 23minutes. When I opened the oven they were so brown. I want to remake them but I don't have anymore lemon for the zest, and I'm just so bummed out. This was supposed to cheer me up and make me feel like less of a freak and a failure... but now I feel worse. I thought I was going to cry.... yep that's right because of burnt muffins. I think you must be pretty bad off if you're going to cry about muffins.
Oh. And I fired my attorney today. Now I have to see what the hell I am doing with someone else or just give up and have no fucking money.... Its amazing how I am trying to get better and yet still the government isn't willing to help... wait .... I mean just give me MY money I paid into the system when I was able to work!
Losing my sanity and strength to keep dealing with any this.
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