Positivity

I just have to say that I think all of my lady and fellow chronic pain sufferers of any kind are the most positive, strong people I know. I am sick of hearing how "negative" we are thought of by some of the normals in our lives, its ridiculous!

I think it takes a lot of damn courage and strength to get out of bed each day and do anything when you feel like you got the flu, got hit by a car, and have alzheimers. Seriously. I know so many of us deal with this day in and day out and dont get credit for it and I just want to give some credit to us! We are a badass group of people that could conquer anything that we put our minds to! Yes sometimes maybe itll take us a bit longer than others or we may need to come back to certain things later but we get it done!

Some of the people I know personally are just the most interesting people. The things they have been through and dealt with so graciously is truly amazing; because of this they are so beautiful and wonderful, and overall just great well rounded people. So many Normals in life flip out for stupid things, like when the Barista makes their coffee the wrong way or when their friend on FB says something and they misread it because its in text... they just dont know how hard it could be. Everyone has struggles and I try not to compare because at some points in life yours may be better than others and different times others lives may be better. Just saying for how much the Normals seem to criticize, we as a group seem to control ourselves so much better sometimes even though certain times I think we deserve to flip out.

I left my lawyers office today and while she was very nice, its just so hard for me to explain where I am coming from on my problems. I am so sick of hearing how COMPLEX my history is! I know, I lived it and am still living it because no one can fucking help me. It's a feeling of being out in the middle of the sea drowning... theres a boat right next to you with floatation devices but for one selfish reason or another they just wont give you one...you just keep flailing to stay afloat. I yelled at the top of my lungs on the ride home, I just couldnt stand it anymore, no tears just screams.

Im trying so hard to be this better person but these things make it so hard for me not to isolate myself. Things are going on and I cant even talk about it because so many of my family would look down on me for even thinking of applying for disability because Im young and I should magicially just be getting better. I look at it as asking for help which I was always told I needed to work on, but then you get judged just like I always assumed when I was growing up.

I talk to my husband who is supportive but just doesnt really get it, I tell him I am happy with him and my kid among other things, but it has nothing to do with how depressed/angry over what my present/past medical history keeps coming out to. I always hear, "everything will be ok." I am starting to say, "No it wont", back to him. Its harder to go on with this facade of Im ok when I have this hope that gets ripped away much too often.

These last parts may sound negative to some Im sure, but I want to point out that I dont sit in bed eating bon bons all day(even though I want to!) because Im in pain or depressed/angry. I get my ass up and take care of business...and some! We all have the right to bitch and moan about whats really going on because we deal with this daily and without talking it out we probably wouldnt survive it. Its like poison to the soul.