The dog that saved my life

I just want to take a moment to write about how Im feeling because its really nagging at me. My parents have had my dog since when I moved out. There were certain places where dogs werent allowed(apartments etc). But I always felt like he was MY dog. He always seemed so happy to see me and listened to me even when he didnt listen to anyone else. I chose him over bunches of other dogs at the humane society.

Heres some backround: when I was a teen I had many horrible experiences and had a hard time with it all. Pretty much right after all of those experiences I was always seeing doctors about my pelvic pain, treated like I was making it up for a long time then got surgery and was dx'd with endo.

Sometime in between my horrible experiences and my endo diagnosis, I got Jack. I had been so deeply depressed, I was sort of obsessed with things involving death. Im also an artist and most of the things I drew and wrote about were beyond dark or disturbing. I had talked to my parents about the fact that we had a family dog who I loved dearly but he wasnt mine to take care of, he was a group thing. They agreed to get a buddy for our family dog. What we didnt know is this dog would save my life. He saved me from my dark depression, he was one of the things I would think about if I was in a dark place that I didnt think I could get out of. He made me laugh, he made me mad but he didnt make me in the least bit depressed. He let me cuddle him for as long as I wanted, made me feel like I wasnt a lost cause. Then as I got older and wouldve been able to keep him at my house, he was so attached to the other dog at my parents I couldnt split them up, but I still always thought of him as my dog. Once I had my child, he let her climb all over him and just be crazy around him and wouldnt do anything even resembling mean or irritated.

Recently, he started limping around and none of us knew what the deal was. My parents took him to the vet where they told them stuff but implied it wasnt a big deal. He got worse. Then they took him back multiple other times, he was all kinds of fucked up. They put him on pain pills and were supposed to wait and see if he got better. He rapidly got worse.

So today I went with my dad and had to have him put down. It was such a draining experience, the whole drive to the vet I was nervous and then from the second I stepped into the office I felt like puking and couldnt stop my tears. I just sat there staring out the window when they took him back to insert the IV, I just couldnt look anywhere but out. I had these feelings of maybe we should quick swoop him away and get the hell outta dodge! But I knew he wouldnt get better and we would end up back here. They then called us back to be with him while he nervously(he hates anywhere but home)waited on the table, we sat and talked with him. I cried a lot.... I couldnt hold it back I felt like this moment was my last straw that broke the camels back. We finally had to call the vet over, she first gave him a seditive. The thoughts of how this dog saved my life and here I am not doing a damn thing but petting him gave me so much guilt. My mind raced, there had to be something I could do for him to make him healthy again... nothing. Not to meantion the fact that I had been told this was inhumane by some idiot, kept rotating in my mind. The vet gave him the last meds and we just kept talking and petting him until they told us he was gone. I kissed him and said goodbye.

To some people this post may not be their thing because they dont understand why I am so emotional over a dog, but as I have said he wasnt just some random dog.... he saved my life... probably more than once. Im glad he is not in pain anymore but I cant help but feel upset that this even had to happen or that I wasnt able to help him more.

I will miss you Jack. You made my mom so angry, which made my dad and I laugh so hard. You always were someone to talk to and constantly willing to cuddle up. You saved my life and I hope I can be half the mammal you were, you did what you wanted/needed and thats all anyone needed to know as far as you were concerned and I need to learn from that attitude. Love you man.