FREAKING OUT!!!!!

I am totally freaking out right now. We got a bill from my car accident and its like $800+  so I called the hospital and asked them to bill my insurance because they clearly did not do that, they told me this bill was just sent before that... which is odd because at the top it lists who our insurance is. Then I am asking about if the physician fee is included in the ER visit and am told no, they are with a different company. I call that said company and am told there is a bill being processed to my insurance for like $400ish.... great. I ask if its them or the hospital that I would tell that this doc spent like seriously maybe 10 minutes with me which is probably why he didn't catch that I had a mild concussion or whiplash and just told me that my muscles would be strained and sent me home with nothing... which led me to go to my doctor within the next day which was just fucking fantastic. Then I call my insurance to see what is being processed or if they have any amounts so I can know whats going to hit me. They then tell me that I also have a ambulance bill coming from the local fire department which  isn't a preferred provider that is around $600. Amazing. I really don't mind paying the ambulance people because those are the guys that cut me out with the jaws of life, had to lift my ass out on a gurney and calm me down. Plus they were amazing and very caring, even when they had left and came back on another call when I was being released from the ER they came back to check on me.

 But the doctor pisses me off because I was at the hospital for multiple hours and you would think that someone would been there to help me get up when it came time for the neck brace to come off. Instead the doctor left because when the nurse took my clothes off due to me needing to "try" to go in a bedpan(which by the way I couldn't and I REALLY had to pee) she had left my undies hanging off of one foot so when the doc came in and said I could get up after seeing my xrays were ok, he saw a little pad hanging off my undies(no blood or anything though). He clearly got freaked out and left the room for me to get up by myself. I was super woozy but wanted to get the fuck out of there because they didn't know crap and I was treated badly.

I feel ya man....totally...

The whole experience just pisses me off.... somehow I managed to get the ticket because this old lady is old according to the insurance they have a slower reaction time so even if she was speeding it wouldn't matter because she was going up a hill. Plus what person in their right mind is going to admit to a cop that they were speeding??? NO ONE. And I'm not talking about 1-5mph over here I'm talking about a decent amount of extra speed. I was totally SPUN AROUND and I was only going about 5-10mph since I had been at a stop and was turning. I'm NOT one of those people who quick whip out in front of others, that's a jackass move. I still have to go to court for my f-ing ticket which just further pisses me off. I lost my new car, I was terrified of driving for a while and still have issues when others are driving, got a concussion/whiplash, have annoyingly large medical bills so I think I have paid my fucking dues into this car accident of what was my fault..... The old lady was totally fine and hasn't had to do crap... I'm glad she is ok though don't get me wrong.

P.S.... we have ants. Which is another reason I am freaking out. I hate bugs. These little tiny ants would go away! We've gotten the traps where they are supposed to eat it and then take it back to the nest and kill the queen, spray outdoor/indoor.... they are beasts I tell ya! I just cant keep up, I don't feel good as it is and cant keep cleaning like a mad woman because of stupid bugs.

I am just praying for something good to come our family's way. We need a pick-me-up.

Angry

I have this anger for myself and towards others(some of them deserve it). I am so sick of being sick. I hate looking at everyone else's FB profiles and see how they are partying it up or just having stupid things to worry about. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to isolate myself because you don't end up with that hurt of having to watch others live life so easily. Even when I give myself a positive spin on things I still end up with bad things, last time I ended up with those biopsy results. I am sick of being poked, prodded, and feeling diseased. I just want to be purely happy.

 I told hubby at this point with how often I am sick and how not often I have a "normal"ish feeling I ONLY want to spend time with people who its worth it. I don't want to waste those moments of normalcy or ones that I know are going to send me into a flare with people who either don't care about us or that just aren't worth being around. I am sick of being that nice person who is always thinking of everyone else's feelings so I don't hurt them even when I am hurt. I'm just sick and angry.

2 doctor appt updates

My cancer-cell removal appt thing went from next week to this week, ended up on the same day as my GYN appt. In the morning I went in for that, it was disgusting. Much worse than the just plain biopsy because you can just feel the skin hanging there, plus they cauterize you when the chunk of skin is out and you can smell you flesh.... totally gross. Plus the tugging on my neck as they stitched me up really just sat wrong with me, yucko. But other than that it went fine, I was still numb for a while after so it really didn't bug me until later in the day/night. At this point I keep getting tinges of pain where it feels like it is being cut right now, my mom thought maybe because it was so deep that maybe it hit a nerve area. Probably.

I had my GYN appt in the afternoon which went ok. I started back on birth control yesterday because she said the risk factors are always going to be better if you don't take any meds but outweighing the pros/cons I think I should be on it. So that's good. Then we talked about how since the last time I saw her over a year ago Ive seen MANY doctors. I showed her my records, my surgery from last year pictures,etc.

 There is now this breast cancer med that has been used recently for Endometriosis. It makes sense how she explained it because both of those diseases involve estrogen directly. While Lupron was more of a shut down everything kind of a drug since it was previously used as a prostate cancer drug, this is more of a block estrogen before it gets out into the body and that's it. Plus this is a daily pill which obviously you can stop whereas the Lupron was a monthly shot that you didn't have an option of going back on once you had it. The whole cancer drug thing scares me though, the side effects remind me of Lupron with all the bone issues, but it makes sense. Anything that is giving you no estrogen is going to disrupt your bones, that's all there is to it. The only thing that sucks is in doing my research of this drug many of the stories I hear its hard to tell if their lasting side effects were from this drug or from a former cancer drug due to most of patients are breast cancer patients that go on other cancer drugs first.  I'm trying to find out what I can because I don't want even more problems. Even my GYN said I seem to get every side effect you can get when I take something or I develop certain problems that are just more and more random.

BUT I was researching online, and I found a website thing that talks about natural ways to lower estrogen production. I liked that it wasn't just like oh avoid certain foods and exercise like a crazy person. It was more of a guide of what this chick did who had endo. She talked about how estrogen is very linked to the liver and how important it is to have a good liver. She said she had went to regular doctors who seemed focused on certain things and Chinese medicine people who were focused on the other spectrum but there was no middle ground so she tried stuff on her own. At first for herbal she was put on some of those ones that have plant estrogens in them that are supposed to help with lowering people estrogen(such as black cohash,etc.) She explained that the first couple weeks she felt great and that was due to the circulation or something it was helping but that after that her pain seemed worse than before.... which I felt was really interesting because my mom just started black cohash for female issues and she has been telling me the same thing about it how she feels worse now. This chick goes on to say that she ends up figuring out Chinese Bitters and Coptis really helped. They clear the liver more which helps with the estrogen stuff. She said all of her pains/health issues pretty much cleared up. While I believe that it helped and everything she said made total sense, I don't think it'll make my issues disappear altogether but I'm willing to try.

Its just very interesting to find all of these things out. No regular doctor will tell you typically go for herbals and not a lot of Chinese herbal people consider hormones at all believe or not so you may not be getting the right things. I'm excited for this and going to do it!

Feels like getting robbed....ALL THE TIME

I have been trying to think of ways to explain what my extreme pain from my endo is like. Plus the fact that I feel like I just keep going through the same things and no one is willing to go the extra mile and really figure everything out.

Its like living in a bad neighbor hood where maybe there is one or two certain people for whatever reason or non-reason are out to get you or just ruin your life. You never know when they are coming for you, if you'll be home or if you will just come home to a ransacked house. Once it happens and they attack you, you are on guard all the time just waiting for it to happen again. Then you try and live your life maybe even move on.... BAM it happens again when you least expect it. You try and report it to the police but they just wont listen they tell you there is no evidence or that you are just nuts or they are friends with these people so it could not be true. Sometimes you are scared for your life when it happens and then after multiple times of it happening to you, you start wishing you were dead. Its hard to not be able to live your life and move on at some point, but you must always have some kind of anxiety because you need to be on guard you don't have a choice, no one else believes you or is willing to help you. Its just you and these "people".

Kind of looks like some of the docs Ive seen...

The difference between that and chronic pain is eventually you would get fed up and either move or go buy a gun and get some vigilante justice... whereas with chronic pain there is no justice unless you are lucky enough to have bunches of money to travel to where they have experts who care enough to see through that you end up feeling better.

I want some fucking justice. I am in so much pain. This is probably the worst period Ive had since being with my husband so that's a while. I am off of my birth control so to me that says this is my endo and not some other bullshit. Ive went down EVERY other possible avenue all the docs asked me to, Ive had all the horrible tests they wanted to do.... yet here I am back at the same place. Being beaten down in a bad neighborhood with the cops doing nothing. If only I could move out of my body.... after all its not a nice neighborhood anymore and hasn't been for a while, not even a good view.

Awful pain

About 6 months ago I got off of my birth control for many reasons. Now the last couple months my periods are now 2 wks apart, its ridiculous. I am in so much pain. Last night I was in so much sudden pain that I spent an hour or 2 just puking, it was awful. Now this morning I still haven't eaten anything because I'm afraid I'm going to get sick again because obviously I still have pain its just the beginning of the period. So sick of this.... haven't had a massive pain period like this for a while. Hoping I can get past it. Seeing my GYN on Thursday, hoping for some kind of bright light from her. I need some good news for once. All I can say is I hope I don't have another night like last night.....

Going out on the town

This may be kind of a confusing post, I feel like I cant find all the right words to explain what I am feeling about this.

Like a week or so ago M and our friend asked me if I would wanted to go out, they need a break but obviously want to drink and I don't drink much so if I could drive. They said they would pay for my gas and food/drinks. So sure, why not?! I need a break too, I need to escape this life if even for a night.

Last night we met early and did our hair and all of that and just made ourselves look good, its nice to "go all out" once and a while. We planned on going to a couple bars and a couple new ones that the one I was really excited about, seemed like my kind of scene. We only made it to the first two places, but that's ok, then we met up with their husbands at the next two places. It was nice, silly. Sometimes I feel like I think things are funny and everyone else is cracking up(maybe its because they work together) but I felt like I had to try and make myself laugh, even if the joke was funny. I don't know if that is a depression thing or what. I wasn't in too much pain until later in the night, super loud(but good) band which later I realized was almost too loud. I feel like an 80yr old grandma that goes along for these trips.

I see all these people my age or in my friends cases in their 30's or their 40's and 50's that are going out dancing, being silly, etc. Here I am so young, and I never got to experience any of that, Ive been sick since I was 16. I know people talk about loss and remembering the old times, like I always reminiscence about my biking/jogging days when I was pretty fit. I don't know if it hurts more or less but I know it hurts to know that I probably wont ever have that normal age appropriate experience of going out and getting wasted because you want to let loose. Or even the cute pictures all my friends have from nights of going out, don't have many. I always try to be a "normal" on these nights we go out.... and it never happens.

So at the last bar we went to M and the friend I will call White Mocha were pretty gone and silly. M asked me a couple times if I was ok. I said I was.... but I wasn't. Its so weird how when M is drunk she can see the hurt in me and asks if I am ok, but when sober she doesn't ever ask. I was pulled out on the dance floor by them and so I "busted a move" totally sober by that point so I'm sure I was dancing quite Caucasian-ally. I ended up running into a guy from my school days and a friend who helped me through a lot back in the day. Ive run into her once before and asked if she had gotten mad at me or what happened since she seemed to have stopped talking to me, in the past she said she had went through some marriage stuff. I got her number and she got mine, but I have issues with trusting people. Even old friends, because at some point none of them were there for me like I was there for them.

I told everyone I was leaving and they kept asking me to stay longer and I couldve stayed and had a few drinks because the night was still young but I just felt so out of my element. I even felt judged, by no one specifically but overall. I feel like I am a confident chick usually but out of my element with people I don't know or randomly run into that remember me as thinner and cuter brings me down, because I don't want to get into the whole life story of my health problems but that is the only way that people could even try to understand.

I left feeling like I was going to cry. No matter how hard I want certain things in my life... Big things like another child or small things like one night out.... it doesn't matter because they all feel like failures brought on by myself, and no one gets that. I felt like I was bringing people down or like fake smiling/laughing even though I didn't talk about my medical stuff at all. Maybe I need others to drive ME around so I can get silly and drink AND THEN even vent and vent until I cannot vent anymore about my health, maybe even cry.... but that's not very fun is it? I am no fun anymore, I feel like I bring others down... and times like these make me feel like why am I even around if its only bringing others down?

Cartoon I did NOT create, but represents this all pretty well

Fall Guy

I have been thinking... a little bit too much for my taste. It seems like a lot of us with fibro seem to over think things sometimes... or maybe its just me! I have been thinking of current people in our families life. And some that aren't so current but have been. I have been thought of as a "fall guy" for some folks and at this point I am not going to accept it. Maybe its this crap mood I am in or maybe its because when I look back at certain people and where it went wrong, they ended up taking NO(not even 1%) responsibility and blamed it on me. That is one thing I cannot stand. I feel like am a pretty up-front chick, not in a bitchy, in your face way but like I just ask whats going on if something seems weird and if people chose to not say anything I go on with life.

MIL- before xmas this last year she decided to tell hubby it was MY fault that she didn't come around more to see LO or him because I made her uncomfortable in some way. This was the first time ever hearing it. We had a huge discussion being as that she was a shit mom to hubby when he was growing up and never tried to fix anything(again that's a long and depressing story). So I'm sure I wasn't coming off overly bubbly but I was always polite towards her, I know my manners. I also said to her that I am always in pain and she would show up randomly and typically it was when it was really bad pain or after surgeries or tests. But I was even nicer from then on..... YET somehow.... she is not even around STILL. I mean she calls me and asks me for advice on shit quite often now due to her dad being ill but she doesn't update her son on it or come to visit LO. Example- today she decided to randomly drop this tree that she said her neighbor gave her at our house, and didn't even knock on the door or anything. The only reason I knew it was her is because I happen to look out the window to see why the dogs were barking. I WILL NOT BE YOUR FALL GUY ANYMORE.

Hubby's ex friend- he blames me for hubby not calling him or whatever for the last year or so. I told him hubby has had the same email address since high school if you wanted to reach him you could've, its a 2 way street. I will say I did like this guy like an annoying brother back when hubbs and I started dating. Once we moved out he puked into our couch and just left and didn't tell us, he looked at porn on our computer in our living room(in our TINY one bedroom place) where I couldve walked out into that, had his fathers friend call us on our honeymoon and leave a message about how fat, bitchy, etc on our voicemail, then when we had LO she was a couple months old he came to our house and played video games with hubbs and he sat there like 2 feet from LO and I and showed hubbs pictures on his cell phone which hubby told me later that night when he came to bed that they were naked women. Just a total disregard for respect for ANY women. Recently back in our life again.... and tried playing the blame game as if I had issues with him for no reason.... uh no... I had plenty of reasons and they didn't just stop they kept going on and on! I WILL NOT BE YOUR FALL GUY ANYMORE.

Brother- recently cut me out of his life and blames everyone else besides himself for anything that goes wrong in his life. After years of being treated like crap by him and his wife I didn't try so hard anymore. We talked at family gatherings but it wasn't like we were close like we used to be at one time. He decided to divorce his wife of whom he blamed for treating me and my parents like crap for over 8 yrs(when we asked why we were treated this way). I put all of those 8 yrs behind me, because he was my brother and I believed him. Then I saw the same old behaviors happening, and he has girlfriend who is stirring up trouble herself on top of it. I talked to his ex because I wanted to see my niece/nephew that was the only reason but she was nice and seemed changed. If he had ever bothered to see my kid or get all of them together then I wouldn't even have had to go there but considering he moves all the time our family should be able to talk to his ex because when he is gone again we all want to be able to see the kids. Unlike his ex, he didn't change at all. ALL the same old behaviors and some new ones happened. He knew I was talking to his ex for the kids sake and wanted me to get information out of her for the divorce(it was OK then for me to talk to her!), followed up by an email questioning all of what I do by his nosey mistress, which I chose to not respond. He texted and asked what I found out and I told him I wasn't going to be his spy and I also wasn't going to explain myself to his girlfriend, he then said I chose a side and cut me out completely. Yet even now I still have to deal with BS that he does because its effecting my parents and his kids. I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FALL GUY AGAIN...EVER.

I am not a perfect person even though I will admit I like to think I know all the answers. I will say that I do admit when I am wrong even if it takes me a minute to realize it. I don't blame everyone else for my own faults. Everyone is responsible for their own life and who is in it, and how they treat others.

My example is Lupron, I could blame all my issues on lupron(fat,fibro,etc)but while I may suggest that it caused some of problems, I know ultimately I was the one who chose to get the shot. I realize I was young and lied to but I was still the one. That's me taking responsibility for some of the biggest issues in my life right now. Why cant everybody take a second and think of how they truly are the ones impacting their lives good or bad?