Pain and People

I think I posted about my niece and nephew being here over the weekend. I swear, these kids are ALWAYS sick or even when they seem like they aren't you still end up catching something from being around them. I love them but I have enough health problems!

So like a day after they leave my LO starts getting sick, which is lovely. Add it to my list of stuff I have to take care of! It wasn't a big deal at first but then last night LO wakes up at like 1am and comes into our room and we put her in bed with us. She is acting like she is all awake, but I keep telling her to go to sleep. I go to bed late due to not being able to sleep from pain so I didn't have much sleep yet. After like 2 hours of her tossing and turning and then me having to get up to go to the bathroom and her following me. I figured we would try and go sleep on the couch and give hubby a break and if she wasn't going to sleep I would put on cartoons and try to catch a couple Z's myself.

Eventually she falls asleep all half on the recliner and every once and a while I hear a whimper from her. I got up, check my email in the other room and like within 1/2hour she is crying so hard. I know LO doesn't feel good but there's not much you can do when they are this age. I told hubby to watch her for a bit so I can catch a shower because I needed one, and I was in a lot of pain from having no sleep. I'm halfway through my shower routine and she comes in, so I decide it may help to be in the shower to get some flem or whatever out. She loved it, but didn't want to leave even when it started getting cooled down.... which then caused a bunch of crying problems.

Pain oh how I hate you.

I am at a point today, where I don't want to see anyone anytime soon. Frustrated and annoyed and wish we all could feel our version of "good".

Now hubby is expecting to go pick some random crap up for his mom... you know the one that typically is a jerk. I am annoyed with him now too because I don't see why she cant do this stuff on her own, its easier for her. For us we have cars only she has SUV's to pick this crap up, so he would have to drive all the way to her house(an hour or so) pick up her car go get the crap(another hour or so) then come back to her place unload, do whatever with it and get in his car and come home(another hour). Whereas for her, she goes out, gets it, comes home and that's it. If LO wasn't sick right now I wouldn't mind as much but since I have been around her as she has been sick for days now, my patience is wearing thin when I need help. My house isn't even clean and he is doing favors for her.... ugh... I probably sound petty but there is a whole back round I wont even get into.

Wishing things were easier.

The dust is settling finally

This whole weekend has been so busy I haven't had a minute to myself. I took this gun class thing with my mom recently, its all about self defense and just basic gun stuff then they take you to the range and you get to shoot for a while. I did pretty good, it was really exciting! Later that night my arm and back was kicking my ass though, I slept like crap. I also had volunteered to watch my niece and nephew because their father(my brother) decided to not tell their mom(his soon to be ex) that he was not going to show up on his weekend to have the kids.... I think that sucks. I know how it feels to need a break after days of being the only one tending to kids and having no adult interaction, but overall I felt horrible for my niece and nephew. Yes they are young but they still know its Daddy time and I just kept imagining them looking out the window for him. All the kids got along pretty well since they have gotten a little older. We did some fun stuff and it was just nice seeing them and I was very happy that my LO got to spend time with her only cousins.

I made a yummy Shepard's pie tonight for dinner. I made my Blue Moon ice cream the other night but for me it didn't taste like the original so I still want to go buy some one day. Then last night I made a banana dark chocolate chunk ice cream which was amazing! Its so much fun figuring out new things to make.

I got re-connected with my Maid of Honor from my wedding who I also went to high school with. Even though we weren't like super best friends through high school, she was always there for me and I for her. We got closer over the years and now we live in the same town, so we are hoping to get together soon depending on her work schedule because its kind of weird.

My stitch areas are finally healing more to where they don't itch so much. Now I am just waiting to get in for that excision surgery to take out all the cancer cells, THEN hopefully I can be done with this except for checks here or there. Have a GYN appt coming up which I am nervous about because I am betting she will opt for my 5th Laproscopic surgery since I have been off of BCP's for about 6 months now. Its just too much money for something that doesn't seem to last. We shall see. I am remaining somewhat upbeat still but I feel like once the same out routine or Monday comes into play I may be fighting off sadness again....

Life as I know it, moving on...

I realize this morning that there are so many more important things in life that are good things that just focusing on bad news, bad health problems, bad anything really doesn't do them justice. The bad will only conquer the good if I let it. I am trying more and more to do things I want to do, like crazy things...stupid things... FUN things! I don't care if someone else thinks what I do is stupid or that I am embarrassing(haven't been told this yet but Ive got time). None of us know the day we will leave this earth, and as far as Ive heard no one has gotten out alive so its time to live it up!

Yesterday I remember being in the car with hubby and LO and listening to music as the sun beamed into the car. I was holding hubby's hand and LO was being so good and we were on the way to the park. I had remembered everything I needed to bring(snacks,drinks,coats,etc). Its so simple but it made me so unbelievable happy to where I remember thinking, if I died today I would be ok with it because I was so in the moment and happy. Which is a total change from where I have been.

Now I just read my blogger friend's entry today over at As Good as Gluten about Ice cream. I am a lover of ice cream, whether your skinny or fat, small or tall, adult or child...there is always some flavor out there for you! Which is why I love it, you could have someone with a restricted diet but there is always a way to make ice cream! I love banana ice cream when I can find it! I had found one at cold stone not long ago and it was even sugar free which I was stoked about! BUT my favorite of all time because I was raised in the Midwest is BLUE MOON! Ive heard of it described as a fruit loopy taste that is so creamy and wonderful that it just cannot be topped. I agree but I have a connection to it, it takes me back to childhood and all the simple and great things associated with it. Its the small downtown candy shop, its trips with my grandparents or other relatives. If I was dying this would be what I would want my last food to be.  Since I don't live there anymore I have yet to be able to find it anywhere remotely near me. I found a recipe, so I think if I can find an affordable ice cream maker I will try to make it. I began to think of the infinite possibilities of healthy but amazingly good ice creams that I could make with it, why limit myself to just GF, SF baked goods?!

YES! My indescribable friend...

Hubby's hours have gotten cut back even more starting this week so he only worked 2 days. BUT again I am so happy to have him home. I enjoy spending time with him and making our relationship better and better, not that its bad but for some people its hard to be around each other 24/7 without work "breaks". We are doing well though and this way I am a bit more free to go sketch, paint, bake, cook,etc.

I keep getting this horrendous stomach/pelvic pain each day so I am looking forward to seeing my GYN to see if she help me. I think one day someone will figure out what is wrong with me, I think a lot of it has to do with the Lupron and the fact that its a anti-cancer drug(chemo classified). But things will be ok and I do truly believe it. At some point I'm sure I will have to come back to this post when I get sad again because its a cycle of chronic pain sufferer's but I hope to read all of these small goals and things I love and how happy I can be.

The dark side will not win.

PETA bullshit

Sorry if I offend with my title, but I believe that is exactly what they are...BULLSHIT. I have read multiple other blogs talking about the current campaign so I'm sure that majority of you have already read another blog who goes into more depth than I am going to. All the blogs that I have read discussing this have already done such a great job that I don't know what more I can say, besides that I think PETA has always been a group to get publicity even if it was bad, they don't seem to care. It kind of shocks me that in all their radical members they have, there isn't one or more that has infertility and would object to this(as far as I know none of the bloggers were at all a member of PETA). Things like this tend to make people who aren't infertile understand even less "what we are crying about" and make infertiles look a certain way which does not do them ANY justice. Here comes my last cuss of the day because I am so irritated by this considering the things I have been talking about with my own life lately.... FUCK PETA.

You cant break these infertiles, they are some strong ass women!

Results are in

Remember how I had 4 biopsies from all over my body done about 2 wks ago? Well I finally got the results when I went in to get my stitches taken out. ALL of those biopsies were pre-cancer, the one on my neck is the most advanced version. Which means once my neck is a little more healed in about 2 more wks from the original biopsy the doctor has to go into the next layer of skin deeper and cut all through that even bigger area to make sure all the cancer cells are cut out. Because they all came back pre-cancer he did a once over to make sure even ones that are just kind of yucky looking would get taken off, so I will have one more taken from my back.

I am not meaning to be dramatic but this freaks me out. I was expecting to go in and everything be benign, so its shocking that each one had a nice chance for cancer but the neck one especially. I'm glad I am doing all that I am, but I cant help but be freaked out. I feel like there is so much death around me, its just hard to handle, to think if I wouldn't have noticed all of these changes myself...who knows what would've happened?

I got home and focused on the things that needed to be done and asked hubby to mail some stuff off and things like that. When he asked about the appt I told him, he seemed shocked too but then didn't say anything else. He had to leave early to help his grandpa with something, then went on his way. He calls me after his grandpa's house and he starts saying about how he hopes he doesn't have cancer or something when he goes into the dermatologist, then asks when he should go in???

 I have been trying to get him into a dermo for the last couple of years because he has this freak mole thing on his head that bugs me... and now when I come home from this appt after weeks of being depressed about my other health issues/fertility/etc he is not asking many questions or saying much at all about it. I told him it kind of sucked that he didn't say anything much when he was home with me, and we went back and forth. Eventually after me saying this just sucks I feel even more down than before, his reply was life sucks sometimes....so I hung up. I just cannot take it anymore, maybe the cancer thing would be easier and I should not go back and have them remove the rest... this chronic pain BS is really wrecking havoc on me. Don't know how to handle anything anymore. Feel like I am being looked at like I'm dramatic, but the thing is over the past 7yrs or even the past yr things just keep getting worse so its not like this is the only thing that has gone wrong health wise.

Whatever.

When will it get better, who understands?

The last couple of days have been interesting. Kind of busy but not anything that HAS to be done, yet still cant find time to be ok. There is always something crazy going on with MIL since her dad(my hubby's grandpa) has cancer, its like she twists everything her way even if it doesn't really involve her. So we have to go straight to the horses mouth whether its about hubby's childhood or grandpa's cancer. Its a lot of run around. Normally she could care less about hubby and seeing him or LO its ridiculous. Hubby mentioned to her that we were going to do a little Easter egg hunt here for my niece/nephew, kids around, of course LO. She then decides to take it upon herself to ask if we are going to color Easter eggs, I said yes since LO is finally old enough but that is before Easter. She invites herself... not that its a HUGE deal or anything but just like when we do gingerbread houses at xmas, its usually a 3 of us thing, especially since I have so many health issues and overall craziness going on.

I was talking to my mom today about things and told her this tidbit, which in the past she knows/has seen all the crazy off-the-wall things MIL has done. Yet she is like, just let her come its not that big of a deal... I wanted to just say SHUT UP..... but instead I said I know its not a big deal but this is our time to do a holiday thing with just us, the rest of the holiday time(at any holiday) is always split up between parents and we don't get our own holiday time typically and this year I am making it happen. Why cant she just listen to me vent instead of making me feel like I am being crazy. I stopped talking about it and listened to her as usual. She has been telling me about this or that "friend" drama over the last year or so and it is still a battle, I feel like she just shouldn't even see this person if its such a big deal yet she does... that's her choice and I listen to her vent and am fine with it. Yet today when I am venting about hubby's college stuff, and how its very screwed up so he is switching schools... she halfway into my sentence cuts me off and is like "I need to start dinner." and gives me a finishing line. She wasn't mad or anything but she does this often after getting everything she wants vented out. I am starting to get pissed off.

Why is it that when I talk to others they can get their whole life story or vents out but when I start they end up cutting me off? With the exception of a couple of good friends. Not to mention my depression has not yet lifted so this sent me into another little bit of sadness that my own mother just doesn't give a crap unless we are talking about my sibling(who is a jerk to her).

I feel so judged by so many people whether I am out and about or at my home when certain people come to visit. Its this unexplainable sickness it leaves me with, that I cannot understand. I don't know why people do it and I don't know how to sift the good weeds from the bad.

But in good news, I am getting my stitches out tomorrow morning! Hooray! Hoping I have no infections!  I am having this weird leg stabbing pain that is a brand new pain, its like in the back of my thigh to behind my knee, almost vein feeling. Its horrible when it happens. There is always something new to add to my list of symptoms.

Hoping this depression lifts soon because I feel like a maniac at this point and no longer wish to feel this way or be in this much pain. I hate endo... and fibro... and any other condition that causes pain for extended periods of time.

Truly painful

Today started out ok believe it or not, I have been trying to stay busy which is easier on the weekends since we tend to have to run errands and whatnot. Did stuff around the house when we finally got home and I wanted to see if there was a huge difference with a GF lady finger for Tiramisu, so I was standing for a while making all of that...there is a difference by the way they are VERY cookie like and you almost need to soak them for a while first otherwise it wont soak through like the regular ones. I think I am going to try homemade shortbread next time. Then hubby really wanted meatloaf so I tried a new recipe and mashed potato's and amazing GF gravy. I have been pretty much standing, cleaning, cooking all day. I mentally felt better because I didn't have the chance to think about things too much and it was nice and sunny.

The last multiple hours got rough though. My legs are like gnawing down to the bone, hips to toes. Hubby came and elevated them for me and gave me ice packs for my thighs. Then he changed my dressings for my stitches, which now has gotten so raw from the often band aid changes that I had to have him try to tape gauze on which doesn't stay very well.

We had planned 1 thing so far for tomorrow and it is supposed to be quick. Now MIL calls and is asking for "possible" help with something that is hours away from where she or we live and isn't even sure its going to happen.... shes so weird. Then she doesn't tell hubby about HIS grandfather and the cancer stuff, but when on the phone with me she tells me all about it, her tone of voice didn't change once. Then we had offered to have her(and others) over to our house for an Easter egg hunt thing for the children around, she then invites herself to do egg coloring with us. We do that before Easter itself and now that LO is getting old enough its something that is just for the 3 of us, but this is the type of thing she does. Even though normally she wants nothing to do with her son or granddaughter.

On top of just being in massive pain and stupid drama, in spring we get these tiny little ants here or there in the bathroom or whatever room really. It is driving me crazy! It makes me feel like we aren't clean or are slobs or something which really isn't the case. I have no idea how to make them go away, plus its kind of hard since we have LO we really cant use a bunch of sprays or whatever in the house.

Hoping things turn out for everyone, my blogger friends included. Seems like a lot of us have been having hard times.