Training

So... I think I want to do a half-marathon. I want to be in shape SO badly. I am so scared of falling to wayside again as I have every time before due to pain or getting off schedule. I need to keep reminding myself I CAN do it! Today I started with my long walk with a little sprint in the middle. I'm going to put my mind to it and just do it!

Checkin in

Its been a while and I thought I might as well check in. Ive been trying to keep up with all of my blogger buddies and it seems like everyone is having a rough time right now. I'm thinking of you all and hoping things get better for all of us!

I have so much going on but not sure where to start so I think Ill just keep some of it to myself for the time being. Ive been sick with a yucky cold for a bit now and had to go to the urgency care clinic and they told me I had a sinus infection ear thing and also Bronchospams which I had never heard of before. Ive been on meds for almost a week now and they said I should be feeling better, low and behold I woke up with morning with sharp-ish pains in my back/front near where my lungs are. Been contacting my doctor all day and they supposedly couldn't get me in until tomorrow, so I left a message for the nurse to see if they want me to do an xray or what since all he can do is listen to my lungs. Now I'm waiting.... again. Hoping things get better with that stuff. It seems like one small illness like a cold turns into something much bigger. We've been TTC for a while now and the only thing besides the obvious(painful periods) is that you know there is a possibility of being pregnant yet you cant tell yet since every month is new things like taking meds for being sick is more complicated or getting xrays. It gives me such anxiety and then if this month is like every other month where I'm not pregnant, I will feel stupid for freaking out about having to take antibiotics to feel better. Its just a crazy cycle!

Some of my family recently decided that they were concerned about my "weight". Ive been left questioning my relationships with them. Some of them have never said anything negative about it  and those are the people who I think try to relate to me as much as they possibly can given that they haven't been through what I have. But the others... I'm looking at them like where the hell were you?! They've all been around me since I gained the weight(years ago from meds). It all happened very fast, it was like within a year I gained all of this weight and I wasn't sitting around eating donuts or anything, I was working a physical job at the time and working out.... I was an emotional mess due to the lupron. Still though, what gives them the right to sit there and criticize me when they never said anything to me or tried to help me in the past? These are the same people that I cannot talk to if they are jerks because they cannot handle it, but its ok to talk about me and all of my supposed "character flaws"IE sarcastic and fat... LOL. I like me. I will keep trying to lose weight but I am not going to torture myself since I have chronic pain. That's all there is to it.

Deep dark place

I am not in a good place. Most likely getting a hyst in the next couple of months after issues with wanting another child. No one seems to read this anyways so yeah, but thought Id say I may not post for a bit. Prayers for digging out of this hole are always welcome.

The simple things

I have a good life overall. My husband is good to me even though we fight from time to time like any normal couple. My child is healthy and usually happy with a tantrum here or there. Sometimes we forget those things that we take for granted. Like our sight, the ability to see the wonderful views of the ocean or a sunset things that calm my soul. Or our smell, I love the smell of fresh cut grass or when I am baking something wonderful. Hearing too, the sounds of music or our loved ones voice's. Just being able to move, breathe on our own, and laugh, such things that are typically overlooked.

I find it hard to appreciate the simple things sometimes because of how life is going. Sometimes I think I choose to be mad because I just forget the things that I am so blessed to have.

This year was supposed to be the start of something great. I have had a really bad luck kind of year though but maybe the great thing is me realizing all I need is the things I have now. While we are trying not to not get pregnant because I don't want to get my hopes up or for it to become mechanical like the first time, if it doesn't happen then I will know it wasn't meant to be. I've had skin cancer problems, totaled my car beginning of the year, family drama, found out M is having major surgery soon, and today... well today I got into a car accident for the 2nd time in a year. While I am so fucking pissed off for a couple reasons. I am so much more thankful that my child, my husband and I were not hurt. I don't know why a deer decided to jet out of the bushes from nowhere right at that second but it did. Maybe its time for a deeper reflection, maybe I didn't understand something after the first car accident this year. Is it a sign? Maybe or maybe not... but either way why sit here and be mad/sad for something that turned out ok in the end?

So I am going to take things one day at a time if I can possibly stand it. Which means, today I am thankful that my family and I are still breathing, still listening, still talking, still smelling the fresh cut grass! It could've been so much worse which is why I look at our situation like we have it made.

That feeling

Ah that oh-so-familiar feeling of alone. My old arch nemesis, comes back to haunt me again. Doesn't matter if I am in a room with people or I am by myself. It doesn't matter who I am talking to(typically), I feel like they don't want to get it. I even have endo sisters out there that I try to converse with and while some are very open to it, others make me feel like its a pity thing and then eventually stop talking to you altogether. Its a very unsettling feeling to have someone who supposedly has a life similar to yours in pain/issues and then have them up and decide you aren't worth speaking to. Its the same feeling of an old friend whether they had similar health issues or not... its a matter of you've been friends for a long time and then they just give you away. There are things I regret because I wasn't the perfect friend, no one is. Ive let friends go too as we grew apart but most of them just moved away and didn't stay in touch, and I didn't take that personally. When someone ends up in the same town as you though, you tend to take it personally. They don't have kids, or anything major because it was always the same things going on with them. I wonder how long my nemesis will be in the shadows lurking.

Inner peace, even if the outside looks crazy!

I am deciding that I am going to pretend I am calm and then eventually my body will think I am. Its not like I wont stand my ground if I need to, because I will. I just finally figured out what I wanted to say to some folks, and I said it, nicely. Didn't seem like they really understood where I was coming from or what I wanted from them but whatever. I said what I needed to and am going to leave it at that. I need to find my inner peace. I need to my happiness to shine. Even my mom said that to me today that her and my dad needed to get back to being happy(before all my brother BS). That's sad to me that they have let this get to them, and their actions combined into pleasing him and his actions(which is the chain of events) has also obviously effected me. I love his kids and I will do anything I can for them. But I cannot try and live my life around my brother or his kids. Because right now all they are is pawns, they aren't old enough to choose where they want to go play or who they want to see and I understand that and wont ever blame them for not seeing me. I try to see them as much as possible, and have them play my LO. But I cannot go on trying to figure this fucking rubix cube of a relationship out. I still plan on a being the fun aunt they can come to as they get older and talk about whatever with.

Gotta hit rock bottom before it gets better...

So started off this morning talking to my mom about my niece and nephews upcoming birthday party which we were invited to by my soon to be ex- SIL. Its a very nice gesture and she doesn't have to do it, and I will be going to it with hubbs and LO. My mom said she is going to ask my brother if/when he is doing a party for them, she wants to do it at her house to where the kids can run around and swim or something. She mentioned nothing about inviting us to this which kind of sucks, just because my brother cut me out of his life apparently I don't get to come to certain events and if I am offended I am being "oversensitive". Lovely. Then she proceeds to tell me that if I want to drop my LO off the night before then she can play with his kids at the party... so again basically I am not invited. How nice. I got off the phone calmly and was kind of irritated.

Then called my grandmother who is another state who typically gets all of this stuff and thinks my brother is a jackass too.... he doesn't talk to any of them in that state. We are talking and things are fine then she starts in on me again about going to one of those mommy groups. I said no as I have been for months. I say we take her to parks, and do lots of stuff for her/with her. Sorry that the people we meet at the park aren't hitting it off with us and giving us their number to get our kids together all the time! Then she ends up hanging up on me due to me saying no. I was telling her and have before about how I never know how I'm going to feel until the day of something and even then I can be at an event and have to leave because I get lots of pain..etc. She had told me to put that aside and do it for my kid.

It leaves me feeling raw. I feel like if I am not the crazy one in all the stuff that has gone on then they are all slowly driving me crazy. I went and took a shower and saw on the caller ID she called me back but didn't leave a message. I'm not ignoring her but I just cant handle anymore crap. Right now I'm dealing with endo issues, lupron detox recovery, messed up hormone levels, possible infertility and PCOS now. I feel like why am I even thinking about bringing another child into this fucking crazy family?! Makes me feel like a crappy mom. I have sacrificed my happiness and went to family events for my child's sake, so she could see her grandparents or her cousins even if I was not feeling good or wasn't really feeling welcomed or was verbally attacked. I did that for LO, because she loves seeing her grandma.

As hubby pointed out I need to start worrying about me. I can still do things for my kid but when it comes to family and overextending myself or putting myself into bad situations I just should not do it anymore. I must agree. I don't like feeling like this. My brother was never made to feel like he didn't matter or that he should just die... but I have. Yet no one sees that. All I can say is thank God for giving me my husband and LO otherwise I wouldn't go on with this.