That feeling

Ah that oh-so-familiar feeling of alone. My old arch nemesis, comes back to haunt me again. Doesn't matter if I am in a room with people or I am by myself. It doesn't matter who I am talking to(typically), I feel like they don't want to get it. I even have endo sisters out there that I try to converse with and while some are very open to it, others make me feel like its a pity thing and then eventually stop talking to you altogether. Its a very unsettling feeling to have someone who supposedly has a life similar to yours in pain/issues and then have them up and decide you aren't worth speaking to. Its the same feeling of an old friend whether they had similar health issues or not... its a matter of you've been friends for a long time and then they just give you away. There are things I regret because I wasn't the perfect friend, no one is. Ive let friends go too as we grew apart but most of them just moved away and didn't stay in touch, and I didn't take that personally. When someone ends up in the same town as you though, you tend to take it personally. They don't have kids, or anything major because it was always the same things going on with them. I wonder how long my nemesis will be in the shadows lurking.

Inner peace, even if the outside looks crazy!

I am deciding that I am going to pretend I am calm and then eventually my body will think I am. Its not like I wont stand my ground if I need to, because I will. I just finally figured out what I wanted to say to some folks, and I said it, nicely. Didn't seem like they really understood where I was coming from or what I wanted from them but whatever. I said what I needed to and am going to leave it at that. I need to find my inner peace. I need to my happiness to shine. Even my mom said that to me today that her and my dad needed to get back to being happy(before all my brother BS). That's sad to me that they have let this get to them, and their actions combined into pleasing him and his actions(which is the chain of events) has also obviously effected me. I love his kids and I will do anything I can for them. But I cannot try and live my life around my brother or his kids. Because right now all they are is pawns, they aren't old enough to choose where they want to go play or who they want to see and I understand that and wont ever blame them for not seeing me. I try to see them as much as possible, and have them play my LO. But I cannot go on trying to figure this fucking rubix cube of a relationship out. I still plan on a being the fun aunt they can come to as they get older and talk about whatever with.

Gotta hit rock bottom before it gets better...

So started off this morning talking to my mom about my niece and nephews upcoming birthday party which we were invited to by my soon to be ex- SIL. Its a very nice gesture and she doesn't have to do it, and I will be going to it with hubbs and LO. My mom said she is going to ask my brother if/when he is doing a party for them, she wants to do it at her house to where the kids can run around and swim or something. She mentioned nothing about inviting us to this which kind of sucks, just because my brother cut me out of his life apparently I don't get to come to certain events and if I am offended I am being "oversensitive". Lovely. Then she proceeds to tell me that if I want to drop my LO off the night before then she can play with his kids at the party... so again basically I am not invited. How nice. I got off the phone calmly and was kind of irritated.

Then called my grandmother who is another state who typically gets all of this stuff and thinks my brother is a jackass too.... he doesn't talk to any of them in that state. We are talking and things are fine then she starts in on me again about going to one of those mommy groups. I said no as I have been for months. I say we take her to parks, and do lots of stuff for her/with her. Sorry that the people we meet at the park aren't hitting it off with us and giving us their number to get our kids together all the time! Then she ends up hanging up on me due to me saying no. I was telling her and have before about how I never know how I'm going to feel until the day of something and even then I can be at an event and have to leave because I get lots of pain..etc. She had told me to put that aside and do it for my kid.

It leaves me feeling raw. I feel like if I am not the crazy one in all the stuff that has gone on then they are all slowly driving me crazy. I went and took a shower and saw on the caller ID she called me back but didn't leave a message. I'm not ignoring her but I just cant handle anymore crap. Right now I'm dealing with endo issues, lupron detox recovery, messed up hormone levels, possible infertility and PCOS now. I feel like why am I even thinking about bringing another child into this fucking crazy family?! Makes me feel like a crappy mom. I have sacrificed my happiness and went to family events for my child's sake, so she could see her grandparents or her cousins even if I was not feeling good or wasn't really feeling welcomed or was verbally attacked. I did that for LO, because she loves seeing her grandma.

As hubby pointed out I need to start worrying about me. I can still do things for my kid but when it comes to family and overextending myself or putting myself into bad situations I just should not do it anymore. I must agree. I don't like feeling like this. My brother was never made to feel like he didn't matter or that he should just die... but I have. Yet no one sees that. All I can say is thank God for giving me my husband and LO otherwise I wouldn't go on with this.

I'm still a fighter

I hope you all like the profile changes I made, trying something a little more soothing for the soul.

Talked to one of my doctors today. He thinks I have PCOS now due to my weird hormone levels and things that have come up. I need to now go get a pelvic ultrasound...fun... I talked to him about wanting a child but scared since all of my lupron crap. He thinks I should try and just go for it considering I have endo and possibly PCOS, 2 of which are both big deals in fertility. He said if I keep on my progesterone I should be able to keep a pregnancy. Considering my LO is healthy then I shouldn't feel guilty or worry about having one with birth defects and whatnot. I'm still scared though. He also told me it IS ok to exercise, at first I was told it wasn't by someone else and was freaked out that I was harming my body more. So I gotta get my figurative boxing gloves back on and start kicking some ass. I want to lose some more weight and hopefully we can control the hormone situation enough to where that happens then I can consider having a child. I just wont bring a child into a situation where I don't feel a little healthier and where we don't have a better flow of income coming in. All I can do is pray and hope. Trying to think of inspirational quotes and things that will keep me going. After all in this kind of life ya gotta be a fighter or you wont make it out of here alive.

Cracks me up that there is a T-shirt out there like this

Things shouldve been different

I always felt like I would have my kids closer together in age. My brother and I are about 5 years apart and there were always constant reminders of it. Yet Ive felt like the older sibling for a while now due to his dumbass-ed-ness*. I obviously had to try to get pregnant when I was younger than expected because of my endo. My brother and I have kids around the same age because he accidentally got pregnant... twice. I love his kids. Its just like insult to injury that people don't even think about trying to get pregnant, they don't even want kids yet and they bitch about how they want to travel more etc, but they are the ones that it just clicks for. The way things are looking at I either wont be having another child at all or there are going to be possibly a bigger age gap than my brother and I. Which Id rather have a gap and a healthy child than not so that's ok. I just thought life would be different when it came to this stuff.

I dropped out of college due to pain. I did multiple jobs that I loved but I had to leave or they cut my hours way back because I was in pain. I got much more pain throughout the years and its gotten worse. But I NEVER thought my plans for finishing our family would be screwed up. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful for my LO, but I have a lot of guilt. My husband was an only child and had a rough upbringing. I had the one sibling but its so fucked up now it doesn't really matter that I do, hes cut me out.  LO loves kids so much. That's the main reason she wants to go to parks, the kids, not the toys. It kind of breaks my heart. I watch my brother's kids and how they have each other and it makes me feel guilty that my body is fucked up. I want good things for my LO so I want a sibling for her. If I cant ever have a kid I will adopt after saving up. I know its expensive.

Just things I never thought Id have to think about.

Some answers but still many questions

After playing phone tag with my doctor since last week, we finally got a chance to talk about my results. I asked if he had a patient who hadn't been on Lupron what would he typically suggest. He said some med that regulates the testosterone and a birth control pill WITH estrogen... which for me would never work considering with endo that is bad news. He also agreed more than just the couple were out of range, due to the "varied" markings from the blood lab they don't say if they are but they were. I'm glad I have concrete showings that my body is clearly messed up hormonally and now I can start looking at more things that are messed up. He told me that the things that are off usually cause or are the cause of ovarian dysfunction. I did some research and its pretty serious. While I am blessed that I was able to have my LO and I did so earlier in life due to fear of not being able to have a kid, I feel such guilt for having her after being on Lupron. I don't know what it has done to her considering I still struggle with what its done to her. I am hoping she was somehow unfazed by it. I am scared to even try for another child because of miscarriages and I don't want to pass anything unhealthy onto a innocent child. I'm detoxing as much crap as I can out of my system but that's all I can do. 

Today is a bad pain day since I have been out of my regimen. Hoping for good things and thankful that I have the people that I do in my life. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and have a pity party but when it comes down to it I love my family/friends who have been great enough to stay in my life. Those people that cant handle it or that try to make me feel bad for being me(whether its because I'm sick or because of my weight from being sick) they can go down another road in life. I am trying to keep looking forward and not back, nothing can be changed at this point but I can try to be proactive about it by researching.

The results are in

I was supposed to get results in from the lab I went to and got work done in. I hadn't seen anything so I called them. The guy said he sees my form that I signed to have results sent to me, but for some reason it didn't get sent. He gave me some of my results, I think some of them he skipped over or was talking too fast I don't know.

But later in the day I got my mail and my doctor had forwarded the results to me. Multiple of my hormones are off. One of the things that was off I researched trying to figure out what the heck that means, and I found stuff that it could mean you have adrenal tumors, adrenal cancer or adrenal hyperplasia. That freaked me out!!! I like to be informed because I feel like as patients we are our only advocates. For example Ive been going to GYN's for years saying that I felt very moody and like my hormones weren't right and they did basic things for me or made up some BS... but now being with one doctor and they routinely suggest a full panel, and look at all this crap! I'm talking to some women and I guess what happened is from being on one of the endo meds 4-5yrs ago, it messes up your whole system. Which is how I got fat, my "fibro" , and other issues. Basically at this point we are trying to reverse the effects as much as possible. I am so damn nervous I just don't even know what to do! I want to know what this means now....