Insurance how I hate you

I guess its not bad enough that I deal with chronic pain, am not able to follow my dreams/goals as I had hoped, and have big old drama going on. I had a dentist appt today for a cleaning, I had one cavity which I kind of figured its been years since having one and this tooth was on the "watch list" for a while, and it was becoming increasing sensitive. I have some kind of tiny cracks in my enamel that I asked about and basically its because I grind(I wonder why!?) and because my bottom teeth are not aligned with my top ones which stayed straight due to a permanent retainer. These bottom teeth are more crowded than before I had braces, it sucks. I was a teen when I had braces and I remember once I got them off I wore my retainers religiously and then would take then in to get tweaked by the Ortho people, the last time I had to go it was so tight it barely fit on the bottom ones, so slowly as the years went by I couldn't fit it on anymore even with wearing it every night. Now the bottom ones are getting grinded by my permanent retainer and top teeth so basically if I don't get bottom braces..again.. it wont get better.

I asked at my appt how much my insurance would cover if I went through their Ortho person, they told me 60%, that should be do-able right? Not if they are wrong... I called my insurance company to make sure I didn't have any other Ortho options and they proceed to tell me, they don't cover anything for adults for that type of stuff. Great.

I wish I wouldn't have been so afraid as a teen to speak up and say this barely fits but I didn't want them to think I was being a wuss or trying to tell them how to do their job and I hated going there anyways... so as it got the point of not fitting at all, I didn't dare show up and ask for help when I was younger because I was so scared they would say it was MY fault and accuse me of not wearing my retainer. Believe it or not I was a very responsible teen and I wanted those braces off and I wanted pretty teeth, and less headaches, so why would I not wear it?! I even wore the God awful headgear when I had braces, if that doesn't show dedication I don't know what does.

Hubby is enrolling in school because he was laid off for a year last year which was really rough, and now this new job is going back and forth with hours. I am proud of him but I am somewhat jealous that he can follow his dreams and do what he wants. Plus it doesn't help that college costs money. I want to take some kind of small culinary classes, not some crazy mainstream yearlong program but something that is new and exciting but to where I could not have to miss too much if I am in pain or whatnot. Maybe one day....

I want to be more like the person I was when I met hubby, I still had pain issues but it was before they got horrific and before I was on Lupron which caused more pain issues. I was fun to be around, more goofy, not afraid of looking dumb, not scared to try something new. I don't know if its because I always think to myself about what is going to cause me lots of pain so I wimp out or if I have just become lame but it needs to end.

I want to be able to sing in the car as loudly as when I am by myself but with a carload of people(if the situation calls for it) without being scared some parts will be out of tune or I will squeak and look silly. I wish I could be the girl who took random road trips to where ever on a whim, just get in the car and lets go. Even if I had ended up somewhere with not much there, I still made the best of it and had fun and took goofy pictures. I do not know what happened to that girl but I want to be her again. I feel like somewhere in between surgery, being lied to and treated like a lab rat with all the meds, gaining so much weight from meds that I have been uncomfortable in my skin suddenly for too long yet there's nothing that helps me lose weight and being told I'm shit out of luck or that no one believes me... or maybe the fact that day in and day out I am in debilitating pain. Who knows?! Either way.... I want to be that girl... maybe a little wiser but nonetheless she was a pretty happy person.

The pain game

**First, a shout out to my Endo sisters! I have noticed I haven't been getting as many comments and hoping its not because I have posted about PTing with my kid. Even though I have one, I want to acknowledge your pain because I was once there... I do get it. I try not to post much about it because I do not want to offend anyone or make you feel sad, its just sometimes that's what my life consists of and with my pain on top of it I feel like people need to know how hard it is with all of this crap we go through. So.... I hope I haven't offended anyone, I will try to tone it down and not write whole blogs about situations surrounding that.**

I am feeling like I am an ex drug addict or something that needs a fix, except that I have a reason to actually want the drugs. I am in lots of pain and have been lately because of the below freezing temps. My bones/joints have been aching. Even though I stopped taking any kind of sleep aid(because it was causing more nausea) I am having huge issues with nausea again for no reason.... AGAIN.

So frustrated that I do not have any meds and the new doctor that I saw about a month ago said that for Fibro they only mask when you're overdoing it... but even then its like what about days I'm not exercising and am in massive pain? I don't need to worry about it masking anything because I cant move in the first place. With my Endo I am in pain, I got off of continuous Birth Control Pills since after 7 yrs the risk for stroke and all of that goes up and since I gained like 80lbs from the Lupron I don't like risks like that. So Ive been off of those for about 4 months and besides my period pain which since my surgery where they removed my peritoneum and did the pre-sacral neurectomy hasn't been half as bad. It still isn't fun. Plus, the rest of the month I still have lots of pain with Endo and dysfunctional pelvic floor and if I eat gluten by accident. Since being off the bcp's too I am very PMS woman, I flip out or cry SO easily and I don't even see it until my period comes and I go.... Oh... that's why I feel like this. Which is so not me and never has been before this.

I have a dentist appt on Monday and nervous they are going to say I need a bunch of work done. When I was a teen I had braces and they put a permanent retainer on the top on my mouth behind the 2 front teeth... looks like a staple. My bottom teeth are worse now then when I had braces and I did wear my retainer and all of that crap... so needless to say I have massive headaches which are probably associated with that. Now that little retainer rubs against one of my teeth and is causing a little rift in it... maybe I need braces again. My parents paid a big amount of money and now I will have to pay for it all over again in my adulthood??? Ridiculous. We will see. I have TMJ and last time I went to the dentist they told me that I did and that there isn't too much you can do, but I have found exercises for it online and such. I just have had all kind of bone issues since that Lupron so its like even when I do things for problems I have I feel like they don't get fixed like they should.

I'm not depressed just still irritated with things in my life, or people. Oh. Didn't make it to the funeral yesterday... was in too much pain. Felt bad but its not like the person was there really... and my mom told me she had been buried last week technically I guess. So ugh... maybe I will play in the snow today.....

Done with

Currently I am feeling very done with all the BS. I am in pain and I do not have the energy to sit there and explain to people why I am mad or that I am not really socializing because I just cant handle anymore crap.  For example, I forget things easily and I know that so I mark things on a calendar so I know if I have plans or appts etc.... well I am going to a family friend's funeral later today and I was supposed to meet up with  M and drive over, but now last night she tells me she possibly either had plans or just made plans to meet B(of whom treats her like shit and is very selfish) because he has his kids this weekend, but if she doesn't hear from him today then she will call and THEN we can meet up and drive together.

One, that fucking sucks that she is putting me 2nd after making plans with me, so no I am not going to say ok if she calls me and wants to drive with me. Two, she is one who made the deal of not discussing B because anyone who talks with her about him ends up getting mad because she defends his selfishness, so here we are again discussing him. Three, she already saw his kids last night so its not necessary to ditch me, if she hadn't seen them already I would overlook this a little more.

M and I have been very close for a long time and this is just really getting to me. Ever since B moved back to this state things have been so full of drama. Don't get me wrong, I love B but the choices he makes make it hard to... he is just kind of twisted. I love his kids and want to see them but he doesn't bother to get them together with us, so I am going to get together with his ex because eventually he is going to move out of state again with his job and I want have an ok relationship with his ex so we can actually see the kids.

All of this makes my stomach go into knots, causes me physical and mental pain. Yet I feel like I cannot even talk about it and try to get it fixed. I understand its a weird situation for them, I get it. I'm not saying choose sides I'm just saying do not discuss it and stop letting his BS rub off on her. She is menopausal so she kind of taking things the wrong way than I would expect, it makes me feel like there is no "good time" to talk about anything. So, I keep my distance and when I am encouraged to see him, I decline politely. At some point though, I am going to flip... because its all just building up.

Ah Potty training...

So the day has arrived. The other night I went to go to the bathroom and my child followed me in as usual but then asks me to help her get her pants down... ok, then proceeds to ask to take her diaper off...alright... then sits on the potty nakey... good... and I am done going at this point and I say ok stay there Im going to throw your diaper away, still being able to see her I went down the hall. Then I hear the miraculous sound of potty song music!!! *heavens above opened up* I was almost going to flip out, obviously in a good way, but I had to contain it to a calmer version as to not freak her out. I, then gave her a sticker which she was stoked about and could not stop smiling I was so happy this had finally happened. If that wasn't a sign saying she was ready I don't know what would be.

The next day I decided to get this going since she started... went and bought a new travel potty chair for the car and a couple different kinds of pullups(cool alert, nighttime, and Dora) hoping that we would find one that she would be good with, some stickers and skittles and let her pick out her own undies for later on. Since that day I had to run around and pick my parents up, and that was a long drive I really didn't get into the whole "scene" until today. Plus I am pretty much keeping the PT thing a secret because I don't want my mom calling everyday asking how its going if its not going well and the fact that I want to surprise everyone. So it was rather tough because I was really excited.

Now we are on the technical first day of training... ask me how hard this day has hit me, I dare you! I began realizing how I cannot do the things I want to do in life and for my family, etc and it really brought me down. It was hard because I was trying the naked method, but halfway through the day it was snowing and she deserved to go out and play... but its too cold for naked outside playing. Had to use a pullup which I felt ok with until I realized that she was treating the pullups as if they are just diapers(and those things are pricey!). I just got this 3 day potty training thing and am going to try this starting tomorrow because it makes more sense than my thing I was doing... I knew I was lost and hopefully while doing this I can regain my composure once again.

Its not that I am not totally stoked still... its just after the initial pee in the potty, and lots & lots of pee on the carpet it starts weighing down especially when you are in massive pain from the cold weather. This 3 day one pretty much says I cannot use pullups anymore, so that was a big waste of much money... and now I have to send my husband tomorrow to buy more undies because there are going to be lots of guaranteed accidents in during the next couple of days and I don't know if I will be able to catch up with the laundry since you have to watch the kid like a hawk for this to work. Only God knows.

Considering all of this is going on, I haven't worked out for longer than I had hoped. So hopefully she can catch on and I can re-start my workouts. My child is my main focus currently and I am ok with that. So if you don't hear from me for a couple days send Stanley Steamer out to my house because I am probably drowning in wet flooring... or if you see random posts that are ramblings about pee/poop its probably safe to assume things are not going to great...also if you have any helpful hints I am all ears. I know my kid can do this but I don't know if I can!

Time out Central

I'm in much pain since I did a dinner for my grandfather yesterday night. The fact that I am dog sitting for my parents dog is definitely NOT helping matters. My kid isn't being mean to him she just wants to play and their other dog, Jack(the one I blogged about) used to let her come cuddle in his bed and just was very relaxed with her...unlike this dog who at one time was my brother's whom treated the dog like crap to where my parents finally took him. I'm pretty sure since my brother/his wife started ignoring and being mean to this dog around the same time they had their 1st child, he probably associates that with any kid. He is small and really annoyingly moody, so my kid is trying to play with him or just pet him and he is growling. I keep telling her to leave him alone and that doesn't work, doing MANY time outs. Its just a lot of extra stress I do not need.

I haven't been exercising this last 4-7 days because I just feel pain and yucky from all the family/personal stress going on. Not that I'm lazy or whatever, its a matter of I need to take care of my kid well and if that means I don't work out for a little while than that's what I need to do. Just frustrating, I woke up yesterday before my pain hit, and wanted to go to the trail for a walk and hubby refused stating he wanted to "sleep in" even though I let him the day before and this was the only time before my pain would hit along with exhaustion that I would be able to go. Its so irritating because usually he gets me but then it was like... he just didn't. But I will say it was very nice that he cleaned the house for me when I was preparing dessert ahead of time yesterday and dinner.

Someone had posted on some board about not being able to work out when they had been doing really good and I totally related so I told them that, and some other chick posts back about how if they waited around for more energy they would always be in bed so to pretty much just suck it up. It was messed up in my mind because just like anyone else I have other issues besides fibro, such as Endo my first disease which doesn't get any better after working out. Also other things but besides all of that the whole kid thing, so many people I seem to talk to are older or don't have kids and I feel like that is something so hard to explain that yeah I want to work out and I'm not lazy and I know I shouldn't expect more energy but if I had a frickin nanny... SURE I would be working out and able to do more because a kid takes a lot out of you. It would be nice for that to be acknowledged once and a while.

Good for the Environment

I am so proud of my husband! Today when we got home from running errands and dealing with a cranky, sick child...we went outside and picked up trash that had been strewn from the neighbors yard into the street and some of it went into our ditch too after it was all mowed from the city. I always tend to think if people cant even pick up their own litter from their yard then I bet they aren't very clean people at any aspect of life.

It was so disgusting... beer cans galore! We still have a whole ditch or so to go on their side of the road but since we filled our garbage cans up and it doesn't get picked up until the end of the week we will have to wait until after garbage day. Its kind of frustrating that they don't get in trouble for having their yard littered with so much crap that it gets into the street and yards around it. Plus the fact that we are having to pay for our garbage to get picked up when in this case it wasn't our garbage at all. I want to do things that are good for the environment and also because I don't want friends/family that come over to see that, it looks trashy.
LITTER-ally. Haha I couldn't help myself! It just makes me mad because its not that I am some hippie person who knows too much about what people "should" do, its just a simple matter of clean up after yourself or your friends. I don't know if you can really report people and if so to who for littering...in their own yards or ditches? I just don't want to have to keep cleaning up their mess every couple of months, its not fair...especially to my husband who did most of it...because I was not feeling good. So I'm just so proud that we did this and that he was willing to clean up even when it wasn't our mess to clean.

Negative town

Its amazing how some things don't change. Some things people don't want to change like their children growing up or their waist size... and other things like negativity or family drama never ceases. I can just feel it all around me and makes me very negative and feel like I'm being lied to. I don't know why when I bring a random person's name up that usually isn't associated with drama, if my sibling has talked crap about that person THAN its like their is some huge secret and no one fills me in. Meanwhile I am left in the dust and talking to this person not knowing if they have some evil plan against some of my family or what. All I want is for people to give me the same honesty I give them. Its becoming more obvious that the tight relationship I thought we all shared isn't as tight in their mind if they can keep stupid secrets from me that their is no reason for me to go tattle about or anything so there is no reason not to tell me. I hate feeling stupid. Tonight was my "birthday dinner" and I just felt like an idiot being here, kind of a "what is the point"? If I wasn't taking care of their dog this weekend and dropping them off I wouldn't have come, it feels too soon. Nothing has changed yet and for me to be able to handle this bullshit... something has to give.

My workouts are slowing down now because my pain is increasing greatly and that also is bumming me out, not that I was losing weight or anything. But I was proud of myself and now I'm... I don't know with myself. I'm doing decently with the Gluten free stuff but tonight my birthday torte wasn't and some of the veg had gluten in the sauce... I didn't know until after. GF is hard... I wish there wasn't gluten in anything. Its not like you can complain because the person is trying to do something nice for you but at the same time its frustrating because they know you cant have gluten and they don't research anything ahead of time. Ugh.... I need to stop this negative before it takes me down harder.