I am wondering if anyone else has these same thoughts and feelings as I do about fights in life with friends, family, or significant others really taking ya down to a dark place where as if I wasn't dealing with my medical stuff I would be able to handle these situations better.
Its frustrating enough that I have all of these medical conditions and a couple new things that have now risen since I saw a new doctor last week, so again I have new worries and of course who could forget about the old worries! It just boggles my mind how much some of us deal with and yet we still go on, most of us very nice people on top of it!
Currently, I am in a bit of a freak out mode. I had a slight argument with someone and its really just weighing on me hard. I keep going over it thinking did I do something wrong in it or am I right in being mad? So far I don't think I am all wrong or all right. I explain to people what I need to be successful with the weight loss stuff when they ask so they can be sure to know what I need.... then they turn around and don't do ANY of the crap I need... none. Makes me feel like wow, its all about you... and in many relationships its like that. I don't need people to be focused on me all the time or anything I am a pretty laid back chick most of the time, but if you ask and I tell you then its just plain messed up to do the opposite things and then wonder why I am so mad/upset/discouraged.
I just want important people in my life to get me, even when I am down. I wish I had one of those relationships where the other person knew what you were thinking before you said it or just got you enough to not make you feel the way I feel right now. At the same time, this isn't even a HUGE argument or anything yet its just made me feel very alone which then leads me to feel like why is this such a big deal to me? Am I a little bit crazy or something?
I think we all want what everyone wants though except for us it really is hard to find... people who just understand. To make us feel like we aren't alone in this battle, which is the reason I am writing on here compared to bitching to a friend or something... because I know so many of you get this... because you're in the same predicament I am. While I wish none of us had to go through this, it does give me comfort to know someone is out here listening... and I hope I can be that comfort for someone else too.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Stylish Blogger Award!
I think this is amazing that Bloggers can give other bloggers they connect with awards. Makes ya feel like there is someone listening out there whether you have 1 follower or a bunch of them! So my friend over at That Girl With Endo nominated me for this award and now I'm going to pass the torch to some bloggers I have related to.
The rules for accepting this award are:
- Thank and link back to the person who has awarded you.
- Award 15 other bloggers.
- Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.
All of these people whether it be about health, past lives looking for family, or current everyday life all have interesting perspectives on all they blog about! I suggest taking a look!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Out with the old, In with the new... People that is
Ive decided to let my guard down for a while and try to either meet new people not online who I have similarities with or start talking to people from my past who were always amazing people. So far I may have done both! I contacted a friend from my past who now has a wonderful fiance and baby and since I know he is a great person I am not scared he will end up being a crazy... plus from the sounds of it his fiance is comparable to my personality.
It sucks that I even have to "clean house" with people though. Believe it or not I am not a mean person and am hoping this doesn't make me sound mean. I just cant take people who pretend they care about you or want to be in your life but turn around and do things that show the exact opposite.
I recently started talking to an old friend of mine who was always really fun, she was someone I met when I started working at a grocery store and we went to the same high school. We both had hard times during high school and leaned on each other and drank...a lot. We talked a couple times and it felt like old times minus the fact that I am married and have a kid. She said she wasn't really partying anymore and sounded like she was growing up. I saw all her pictures on FB and half of them she is half naked... to me that is trying a bit hard. Posting pictures in general of my family freaks me out but I especially don't put 1/2 naked pics of me up where you can tell the person is really trying to be... THAT GIRL. Just makes it kind of weird for me because I wouldn't want my husband to end up looking at my FB and see her pics, its that bad. But I was overlooking it for the time being because I thought she has some issues and she is a nice person. As I talk more to her, it becomes more and more apparent she doesn't give a crap about anyone but herself. One night she was even supposed to call me and then just didn't, never heard anything since about, "oh sorry _____________ came up."
Just kind of hurts when you realize(in any relationship) that you care more about the person then they do about you. I think that is the point where you need to decide if that person is worth wasting your time over.
I don't think a couple people in my life are worth me wasting my time. As my father pointed out to me recently when talking about some family drama... would you let anyone in your life cause you physical pain by punching you etc? I said no of course not, and he said "Well, why are you letting these people cause you physical pain with their drama?"(because of my chronic pain). All I can say is thanks dad! Because now I get it, something clicked. I don't have to be a jerk but I can be honest and if people wonder why I am not asking them how they are anymore I can tell them.... because I cared more about you than you did about me and I need a friend sometimes too, I'm not your groupie.
It sucks that I even have to "clean house" with people though. Believe it or not I am not a mean person and am hoping this doesn't make me sound mean. I just cant take people who pretend they care about you or want to be in your life but turn around and do things that show the exact opposite.
I recently started talking to an old friend of mine who was always really fun, she was someone I met when I started working at a grocery store and we went to the same high school. We both had hard times during high school and leaned on each other and drank...a lot. We talked a couple times and it felt like old times minus the fact that I am married and have a kid. She said she wasn't really partying anymore and sounded like she was growing up. I saw all her pictures on FB and half of them she is half naked... to me that is trying a bit hard. Posting pictures in general of my family freaks me out but I especially don't put 1/2 naked pics of me up where you can tell the person is really trying to be... THAT GIRL. Just makes it kind of weird for me because I wouldn't want my husband to end up looking at my FB and see her pics, its that bad. But I was overlooking it for the time being because I thought she has some issues and she is a nice person. As I talk more to her, it becomes more and more apparent she doesn't give a crap about anyone but herself. One night she was even supposed to call me and then just didn't, never heard anything since about, "oh sorry _____________ came up."
Just kind of hurts when you realize(in any relationship) that you care more about the person then they do about you. I think that is the point where you need to decide if that person is worth wasting your time over.
I don't think a couple people in my life are worth me wasting my time. As my father pointed out to me recently when talking about some family drama... would you let anyone in your life cause you physical pain by punching you etc? I said no of course not, and he said "Well, why are you letting these people cause you physical pain with their drama?"(because of my chronic pain). All I can say is thanks dad! Because now I get it, something clicked. I don't have to be a jerk but I can be honest and if people wonder why I am not asking them how they are anymore I can tell them.... because I cared more about you than you did about me and I need a friend sometimes too, I'm not your groupie.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
"Useless" Anger
I'm just so annoyed right now I need to let it go so I can stop feeling like this. I don't understand people... they want me to be healthy and happy so I have been trying bunches of diets for the last couple years to combat pain while trying to lose weight. So far nothing has worked on both levels well enough. I have been doing this one I have described in previous entries now for about a month and haven't been able to really do a good workout yet because my pain is just unbearable. Well today I just really couldn't get the idea of a good walk out of my head. So because my husband had the day off I begged him to come with me. First... he says he wants to do HIS workout and then we can go. To some this isn't a big deal but he is already skinny, that's fine if he wants to workout but I needed to get walking before I was hit with pain that would combat any thoughts of going on a decent walk. Eventually he agreed.... so we hit the trails!
I was very invigorated it was just nice to be doing that again plus I like to talk and walk so we able to just shoot the shit, which is good. At the end of the walk I decide I want to jog for the last couple minutes in my new shoes! So I did... it was ok right after but the rest of the day I have been useless.
This is what I do NOT understand about "normals". They want you to be fit or whatnot and bitch at you making you feel like crap even though you've explained how many frickin times that it causes massive pain and you are then left useless for the rest of the day and sometimes days on end. So when you finally give in(because its not like you don't want to be healthier anyhow!)... and then you are left useless after the workout. You are made to feel guilty because you are not pulling your weight! WHAT?! Its pure insanity! I just don't get it... I even make dinner after all of this and my legs were the most painful and yet somehow I am doing something wrong. Guess I see where this will get me everytime, such a catch 22 situation.
I was very invigorated it was just nice to be doing that again plus I like to talk and walk so we able to just shoot the shit, which is good. At the end of the walk I decide I want to jog for the last couple minutes in my new shoes! So I did... it was ok right after but the rest of the day I have been useless.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I think I may be a control freak!
I am currently reading this book my mom got herself one copy and me one. Its all about letting go to whatever spiritual power you believe in and letting them take your burdens. For me that is hard to do. I feel like such a control freak after reading some of it. I didnt even think I was one. I feel like I have felt like a burden to those around me for years to where I have just gotten used to feeling this way, and its hard to let anyone, let alone God to take over all of my burdens. With food, with my health, with my life. Im not a super religious person but in the book it talks about so many people keep God seperate from their lives and if they just let that power take over what we cannot control(even though we believe we can control things) then things would change for the better. Its interesting, hope Im not butchering it by trying to explain it but its kind of opened my eyes to things I havent heard or tried before. Not saying I want to be one of those people who push their beliefs on others or spout out religious things all the time but I want to be able to let go.
My pain last night was so horrible. from my toes to my butt my left leg was hurting. Then my lower back for some reason has just been really touchy. So I had some of my lidocane patches that I never tried for this specific pain so I tried them, still didnt do that much for me. Then.... I started feeling like my heart was palpitating oddly so I went online to see what the deal was, it had only been on for like 1/2-1hr. Of course they list every side effect in the book just like any other drug so they cover their asses, so that didnt help. But then I found customer reviews of people for the most part it was how it either worked or didnt then I found one that said they had the heart racing thing and took it off and 20min later felt better. So I took it off. Of course I still had horrible pain so I didnt know what I was supposed to do. Didnt get to sleep until late, then woke up early as usual. Man I am exhausted....
So much to do and learn and change in so little time... I need to let go.....
My pain last night was so horrible. from my toes to my butt my left leg was hurting. Then my lower back for some reason has just been really touchy. So I had some of my lidocane patches that I never tried for this specific pain so I tried them, still didnt do that much for me. Then.... I started feeling like my heart was palpitating oddly so I went online to see what the deal was, it had only been on for like 1/2-1hr. Of course they list every side effect in the book just like any other drug so they cover their asses, so that didnt help. But then I found customer reviews of people for the most part it was how it either worked or didnt then I found one that said they had the heart racing thing and took it off and 20min later felt better. So I took it off. Of course I still had horrible pain so I didnt know what I was supposed to do. Didnt get to sleep until late, then woke up early as usual. Man I am exhausted....
So much to do and learn and change in so little time... I need to let go.....
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Learning and Living
I have noticed that even though I am blessed enough to be married and have found a good guy, I still feel alone in my illnesses. I wonder if other people with chronic pain conditions feel similar whether they are surrounded by people or all alone? Because even when you talk to others about your current experiences some of the normals just dont care to hear about it unless it involves them. Sometimes its hard to take, I can understand where they dont want to hear about it because its usually the same thing all the time. I try to explain to people or their loved ones that even though you may be sick of hearing your loved one talk about pain, or letdowns, etc with illness you need to realize they LIVE with it every-single-day. How frustrating it is... day in and day out no matter what I seem to change in my diet or lifestyle, it stays the same or gets worse, doesnt seem to get better. Yet here I am trying, still trying after all this time and will continue to until I die.
Sometimes I am exhausted(currently) with trying to either please others or just trying to get them to hear me. I feel like even if I screamed in their faces they would just go along their merry ways, saying stupid shit like "You look fine to me" "You seem ok" "Must be nice to just sit at home". Well besides using ALL of my energy to raise kids and then running out before I can even take care of me, then getting bad news, worse news.... it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out why so many of us feel down even when we try to remain positive.
I personally dont think its a bad thing because without feeling depressed once and a while due to our situations I dont think we could appreciate the simple things we appreciate over others. We probably wouldnt be as compassionate as most of us are. Even though I am in far more pain that I used to be I think I value my life more, my quality isnt the best because I cant do all the things I wish. The things that I do though, they are wonderful! I only do things I want to at this point, still learning to say no, but usually doing what I want... what I need. Our lives are so short and even though we cant do many things we may want to do, maybe it just wasnt in the cards to do. Maybe its a sign for things to come, as my mom has said, "You have paid your dues, your future is filled with good Karma." I believe it too.
Sometimes I am exhausted(currently) with trying to either please others or just trying to get them to hear me. I feel like even if I screamed in their faces they would just go along their merry ways, saying stupid shit like "You look fine to me" "You seem ok" "Must be nice to just sit at home". Well besides using ALL of my energy to raise kids and then running out before I can even take care of me, then getting bad news, worse news.... it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out why so many of us feel down even when we try to remain positive.
I personally dont think its a bad thing because without feeling depressed once and a while due to our situations I dont think we could appreciate the simple things we appreciate over others. We probably wouldnt be as compassionate as most of us are. Even though I am in far more pain that I used to be I think I value my life more, my quality isnt the best because I cant do all the things I wish. The things that I do though, they are wonderful! I only do things I want to at this point, still learning to say no, but usually doing what I want... what I need. Our lives are so short and even though we cant do many things we may want to do, maybe it just wasnt in the cards to do. Maybe its a sign for things to come, as my mom has said, "You have paid your dues, your future is filled with good Karma." I believe it too.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The dog that saved my life
I just want to take a moment to write about how Im feeling because its really nagging at me. My parents have had my dog since when I moved out. There were certain places where dogs werent allowed(apartments etc). But I always felt like he was MY dog. He always seemed so happy to see me and listened to me even when he didnt listen to anyone else. I chose him over bunches of other dogs at the humane society.
Heres some backround: when I was a teen I had many horrible experiences and had a hard time with it all. Pretty much right after all of those experiences I was always seeing doctors about my pelvic pain, treated like I was making it up for a long time then got surgery and was dx'd with endo.
Sometime in between my horrible experiences and my endo diagnosis, I got Jack. I had been so deeply depressed, I was sort of obsessed with things involving death. Im also an artist and most of the things I drew and wrote about were beyond dark or disturbing. I had talked to my parents about the fact that we had a family dog who I loved dearly but he wasnt mine to take care of, he was a group thing. They agreed to get a buddy for our family dog. What we didnt know is this dog would save my life. He saved me from my dark depression, he was one of the things I would think about if I was in a dark place that I didnt think I could get out of. He made me laugh, he made me mad but he didnt make me in the least bit depressed. He let me cuddle him for as long as I wanted, made me feel like I wasnt a lost cause. Then as I got older and wouldve been able to keep him at my house, he was so attached to the other dog at my parents I couldnt split them up, but I still always thought of him as my dog. Once I had my child, he let her climb all over him and just be crazy around him and wouldnt do anything even resembling mean or irritated.
Recently, he started limping around and none of us knew what the deal was. My parents took him to the vet where they told them stuff but implied it wasnt a big deal. He got worse. Then they took him back multiple other times, he was all kinds of fucked up. They put him on pain pills and were supposed to wait and see if he got better. He rapidly got worse.
So today I went with my dad and had to have him put down. It was such a draining experience, the whole drive to the vet I was nervous and then from the second I stepped into the office I felt like puking and couldnt stop my tears. I just sat there staring out the window when they took him back to insert the IV, I just couldnt look anywhere but out. I had these feelings of maybe we should quick swoop him away and get the hell outta dodge! But I knew he wouldnt get better and we would end up back here. They then called us back to be with him while he nervously(he hates anywhere but home)waited on the table, we sat and talked with him. I cried a lot.... I couldnt hold it back I felt like this moment was my last straw that broke the camels back. We finally had to call the vet over, she first gave him a seditive. The thoughts of how this dog saved my life and here I am not doing a damn thing but petting him gave me so much guilt. My mind raced, there had to be something I could do for him to make him healthy again... nothing. Not to meantion the fact that I had been told this was inhumane by some idiot, kept rotating in my mind. The vet gave him the last meds and we just kept talking and petting him until they told us he was gone. I kissed him and said goodbye.
To some people this post may not be their thing because they dont understand why I am so emotional over a dog, but as I have said he wasnt just some random dog.... he saved my life... probably more than once. Im glad he is not in pain anymore but I cant help but feel upset that this even had to happen or that I wasnt able to help him more.
I will miss you Jack. You made my mom so angry, which made my dad and I laugh so hard. You always were someone to talk to and constantly willing to cuddle up. You saved my life and I hope I can be half the mammal you were, you did what you wanted/needed and thats all anyone needed to know as far as you were concerned and I need to learn from that attitude. Love you man.
Heres some backround: when I was a teen I had many horrible experiences and had a hard time with it all. Pretty much right after all of those experiences I was always seeing doctors about my pelvic pain, treated like I was making it up for a long time then got surgery and was dx'd with endo.
Sometime in between my horrible experiences and my endo diagnosis, I got Jack. I had been so deeply depressed, I was sort of obsessed with things involving death. Im also an artist and most of the things I drew and wrote about were beyond dark or disturbing. I had talked to my parents about the fact that we had a family dog who I loved dearly but he wasnt mine to take care of, he was a group thing. They agreed to get a buddy for our family dog. What we didnt know is this dog would save my life. He saved me from my dark depression, he was one of the things I would think about if I was in a dark place that I didnt think I could get out of. He made me laugh, he made me mad but he didnt make me in the least bit depressed. He let me cuddle him for as long as I wanted, made me feel like I wasnt a lost cause. Then as I got older and wouldve been able to keep him at my house, he was so attached to the other dog at my parents I couldnt split them up, but I still always thought of him as my dog. Once I had my child, he let her climb all over him and just be crazy around him and wouldnt do anything even resembling mean or irritated.
Recently, he started limping around and none of us knew what the deal was. My parents took him to the vet where they told them stuff but implied it wasnt a big deal. He got worse. Then they took him back multiple other times, he was all kinds of fucked up. They put him on pain pills and were supposed to wait and see if he got better. He rapidly got worse.
So today I went with my dad and had to have him put down. It was such a draining experience, the whole drive to the vet I was nervous and then from the second I stepped into the office I felt like puking and couldnt stop my tears. I just sat there staring out the window when they took him back to insert the IV, I just couldnt look anywhere but out. I had these feelings of maybe we should quick swoop him away and get the hell outta dodge! But I knew he wouldnt get better and we would end up back here. They then called us back to be with him while he nervously(he hates anywhere but home)waited on the table, we sat and talked with him. I cried a lot.... I couldnt hold it back I felt like this moment was my last straw that broke the camels back. We finally had to call the vet over, she first gave him a seditive. The thoughts of how this dog saved my life and here I am not doing a damn thing but petting him gave me so much guilt. My mind raced, there had to be something I could do for him to make him healthy again... nothing. Not to meantion the fact that I had been told this was inhumane by some idiot, kept rotating in my mind. The vet gave him the last meds and we just kept talking and petting him until they told us he was gone. I kissed him and said goodbye.
To some people this post may not be their thing because they dont understand why I am so emotional over a dog, but as I have said he wasnt just some random dog.... he saved my life... probably more than once. Im glad he is not in pain anymore but I cant help but feel upset that this even had to happen or that I wasnt able to help him more.
I will miss you Jack. You made my mom so angry, which made my dad and I laugh so hard. You always were someone to talk to and constantly willing to cuddle up. You saved my life and I hope I can be half the mammal you were, you did what you wanted/needed and thats all anyone needed to know as far as you were concerned and I need to learn from that attitude. Love you man.
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