Some facts about unemployment and family

Even though its been a little while since my last post things have gotten worse. Ive mentioned a couple times that hubbs job is back and forth. They have him working so much we barely see each other for a couple months and then for months on end he is working maybe 2 days a week, not enough to live off of. Yet people tell us hes lucky to have a job.... people are misguided. Just because you have a job doesn't mean there is some steady stream of income, and due to this was the first job to come up in about a year after him being laid off there were not other options and still aren't many. Due to them never knowing which days during the week will for sure be work he cant even go get a part time job slinging burgers for the days he isn't working. At this point its becoming just as bad as being on unemployment. Another factoid Id love to share is that when people are on unemployment its NOT (I repeat NOT) taxpayers doctors, its money the worker them self has put into the system that they are getting back in this type of emergency, they aren't lowly scumbags who don't look for jobs or that are just eating up everyone else's tax dollars. I hate that misconception.... my hubby works his ass off and yet here we are again. I feel so bad for him.

I wish I wasn't in so much pain and I didn't have all these health problems. I have such guilt that even the thought of a job puts me into anxiety overload because I tried to work when he was laid off last year and I was seriously dead at the end of each day and in massive amounts of pain, plus taking more meds just to get through the day. I just don't know what to do, don't know who to turn to.... I'm just at a total loss. I wish one thing would just go right, my health or our finances or something.....we just need a break Dear Lord. Are you there? Its me....

The reason I haven't been online is because my family has been visiting, plus Ive been doing copious amounts of housework to where I could barely move. My grandparents came to stay at our house which I loved! I miss my home state and I miss them. I cried on my way home today not sure if I am for sure seeing them tomorrow before they leave. They give me the comfort I need to go on... just now I burst into tears just typing the word comfort because I have none now. My aunt and uncle and their kids came out too, it wasn't that great with them. My aunt(by marriage) was very judgemental/hypocritical even though her kids are far from perfect and I didn't judge, its not my problem or place to.... yet she judged all of us. I am still angry with my brother and having that anger is making me unhappy... I am the kind of person who needs peace with most situations even when its not my fault. I don't feel peace, I feel chaos and not in a fun and kooky kind of way.

I want to move back to my home state and just leave here away from the drama. Leave some of my problems behind and look forward to bigger things. I want to blossom but I also don't want to taint memories of my childhood with adult drama and I'm afraid that since my aunt and uncle are back in that state too, that Id still have a fair amount of BS to deal with.

I think its fair at this point to say I feel very alone and am planning on isolating myself. I know its not healthy, I know its not what I'm supposed to do but I will just write on here because I feel like this is the only place I can be totally honest whether its craziness or not.

Home sweet Home... if only it were that easy...