Thankful

Today was a trying day. I had barely slept when I finally felt tired enough to go to bed, my hips were excruciating and my pelvic pain shot down my thighs it was awful. I woke up early then headed out the door to spend time with some extended family. There is so much drama in my family, its been ongoing set of crap because of B and recently was weighing heavily on me. I only have one sibling and he just doesn't care to have me or my kid in his life. He is that way towards my parents now too but not as much as he is to me. I even tried to extend out an olive branch to a holiday get together, and I found out he straight up blocked me in every way possible.... it really feels like hate towards me at this point. How can you hate your sister so much that a invite and saying I still love you and miss you turn into what it is? I just cannot understand and my mom has tried to tell me that he she had a sibling do that she wouldn't even try anymore, its just hard for me because I literally did nothing so there is nothing I can fix, yet I feel the need to fix the situation. I was also told that he has so much going on that he probably just cant handle dealing with how he feels towards us/working it out with us. Again, I just cannot comprehend this due to I have been having chronic pain since I was 16 and had horrible things happen to me etc... yet I have never treated anyone like that family or not.

But.... the good news is I am thankful. I am very thankful I do have what good health I do. I am thankful I have a great kid and a wonderful husband. I am thankful for the family I do have and are worth being in my life. While things obviously aren't perfect I am a better person for knowing the things I do, and going through the things I have. I guess I am gearing up for thanksgiving because all I can think of is I am thankful.

Straight up

Do you ever find yourself asking "why?"... Why am I pushing myself? Why do I try to remain so positive for others when some of them don't do anything but remain negative? I'm taking it upon myself to be even more blatantly honest than I was before.... some people don't seem to understand things and it seems no one is willing to say things up front... I will be the jerk. This wont be my first time, I just cant handle stupidity anymore while I am in pain. For me to be honest with others(no matter how it makes me look) makes me more positive in the end and hopefully it'll help others to get their life on track too. I'm not going to be mean or put anyone down because that isn't my style, but I cannot tell a lie!

Still training and I feel like its making me feel better overall. Its still tough but I am starting to kind of love it. My husband even knows now not to tell me bad news before a workout because I freak out... but if he waits until after I'm like ok, whatever man, its all good! I feel like I am doing more things in life overall that I have done in years... sometimes its a little overwhelming though. I find myself getting frustrated while I am out and about smiling, happy, loving life and then my pain starts hitting me and I'm reminded of how it goes. I try to get home in time enough to keep the pain manageable. Days like today I didn't get home soon enough, but I was letting my kid enjoy a play date for a little bit longer. While I hate the pain, I loved seeing my kid play and enjoy her friend. I'm sure there will be plenty is times I will have to leave something early and LO will suffer too so why not take a little more pain once and a while so a kid can have some fun for once. So many kids never get the chance to stay a child for long, I want to try and keep mine for as long as I can.

Numb

I'm back to the old so familiar "feeling" of numbness. I have pain so I do feel that and have moments of sadness or happiness but overall I'm in this rut. Money is non-existent, I am exhausted and in pain but I am still doing my workout. I am training for the half and am still excited about that. But everything else with finances piling up or my health just keeps clouding all of my good thoughts. I now have a lump that I have to get checked out which I am having serious anxiety about. I don't want cancer or anything more health wise to happen to me or our family so its almost a guilt of having more health issues. Trying to focus on the positive by at least eating pretty healthy and just keep on training. I don't want to go into the under current again, I want to make it out on top for once! Oh how the things in life change from what you had wanted your life to be.

Training

So... I think I want to do a half-marathon. I want to be in shape SO badly. I am so scared of falling to wayside again as I have every time before due to pain or getting off schedule. I need to keep reminding myself I CAN do it! Today I started with my long walk with a little sprint in the middle. I'm going to put my mind to it and just do it!

Checkin in

Its been a while and I thought I might as well check in. Ive been trying to keep up with all of my blogger buddies and it seems like everyone is having a rough time right now. I'm thinking of you all and hoping things get better for all of us!

I have so much going on but not sure where to start so I think Ill just keep some of it to myself for the time being. Ive been sick with a yucky cold for a bit now and had to go to the urgency care clinic and they told me I had a sinus infection ear thing and also Bronchospams which I had never heard of before. Ive been on meds for almost a week now and they said I should be feeling better, low and behold I woke up with morning with sharp-ish pains in my back/front near where my lungs are. Been contacting my doctor all day and they supposedly couldn't get me in until tomorrow, so I left a message for the nurse to see if they want me to do an xray or what since all he can do is listen to my lungs. Now I'm waiting.... again. Hoping things get better with that stuff. It seems like one small illness like a cold turns into something much bigger. We've been TTC for a while now and the only thing besides the obvious(painful periods) is that you know there is a possibility of being pregnant yet you cant tell yet since every month is new things like taking meds for being sick is more complicated or getting xrays. It gives me such anxiety and then if this month is like every other month where I'm not pregnant, I will feel stupid for freaking out about having to take antibiotics to feel better. Its just a crazy cycle!

Some of my family recently decided that they were concerned about my "weight". Ive been left questioning my relationships with them. Some of them have never said anything negative about it  and those are the people who I think try to relate to me as much as they possibly can given that they haven't been through what I have. But the others... I'm looking at them like where the hell were you?! They've all been around me since I gained the weight(years ago from meds). It all happened very fast, it was like within a year I gained all of this weight and I wasn't sitting around eating donuts or anything, I was working a physical job at the time and working out.... I was an emotional mess due to the lupron. Still though, what gives them the right to sit there and criticize me when they never said anything to me or tried to help me in the past? These are the same people that I cannot talk to if they are jerks because they cannot handle it, but its ok to talk about me and all of my supposed "character flaws"IE sarcastic and fat... LOL. I like me. I will keep trying to lose weight but I am not going to torture myself since I have chronic pain. That's all there is to it.

Deep dark place

I am not in a good place. Most likely getting a hyst in the next couple of months after issues with wanting another child. No one seems to read this anyways so yeah, but thought Id say I may not post for a bit. Prayers for digging out of this hole are always welcome.

The simple things

I have a good life overall. My husband is good to me even though we fight from time to time like any normal couple. My child is healthy and usually happy with a tantrum here or there. Sometimes we forget those things that we take for granted. Like our sight, the ability to see the wonderful views of the ocean or a sunset things that calm my soul. Or our smell, I love the smell of fresh cut grass or when I am baking something wonderful. Hearing too, the sounds of music or our loved ones voice's. Just being able to move, breathe on our own, and laugh, such things that are typically overlooked.

I find it hard to appreciate the simple things sometimes because of how life is going. Sometimes I think I choose to be mad because I just forget the things that I am so blessed to have.

This year was supposed to be the start of something great. I have had a really bad luck kind of year though but maybe the great thing is me realizing all I need is the things I have now. While we are trying not to not get pregnant because I don't want to get my hopes up or for it to become mechanical like the first time, if it doesn't happen then I will know it wasn't meant to be. I've had skin cancer problems, totaled my car beginning of the year, family drama, found out M is having major surgery soon, and today... well today I got into a car accident for the 2nd time in a year. While I am so fucking pissed off for a couple reasons. I am so much more thankful that my child, my husband and I were not hurt. I don't know why a deer decided to jet out of the bushes from nowhere right at that second but it did. Maybe its time for a deeper reflection, maybe I didn't understand something after the first car accident this year. Is it a sign? Maybe or maybe not... but either way why sit here and be mad/sad for something that turned out ok in the end?

So I am going to take things one day at a time if I can possibly stand it. Which means, today I am thankful that my family and I are still breathing, still listening, still talking, still smelling the fresh cut grass! It could've been so much worse which is why I look at our situation like we have it made.